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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stay home a bit longer..

322 replies

crazycatlady5 · 18/11/2017 20:26

Aibu?

I’ve been on maternity since December. I’m due to start working again in January but I’m absolutely dreading it. It’s not like the normal anxieties, I actually really want to be able to look after her at home for longer than her one year of life.

My husband earns a pretty decent salary, not talking triple figures but pretty good. After all his outgoings (rent etc) he is still left around £3/3.5k to play with each month.

We have always split bills and everything down the middle even though I earned half what he did. I never made a fuss about this as I am not a money grabber. Having said that, since I’ve been on maternity, he’s given me around £400 a month as extras.

I really want to approach the subject of staying at home with or daughter but for some reason it sits uncomfortably with me as I have always earned my own money and have never wanted to be a ‘kept woman’ - but my friend rightfully pointed out today, it’s different now. We are married and have a family, we are a team. I am actually quite jealous of those couples of have joint accounts as that is out of the question for us (his parents told him at a young age never to get a joint account with anyone Hmm)

Aibu to want to stay off work for a while longer and ask to be looked after?!

Ps. It may sound like he is incredibly tight, he isn’t, he pays for dinners out and gifts and lots of lovely things and has also been entirely responsible for building up a chunk of savings for a mortgage (that we don’t have yet)

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 19/11/2017 19:04

Disagree, lipstick.
You're a family, and the family lives within the family means. The adults contribute in various ways - bringing in money, running the home, caring for the kids. All equal value.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 19:14

Lipstick - being married is totally different to living on your own means as a single person. In so many ways, not just financially. That's the whole point!

FATEdestiny · 19/11/2017 19:20

crazycatlady5

You need a mindset change. Consider how differently you think about life now (with a child) compared to before your pregnancy. A similar mindset change will come on the concept of parenting as a team (including finances) over the coming years.

It's not he is saving for a house
It is we are saving for a house

It is not him giving you £400 pm for housekeeping
It is that we, as a couple spend £400 pm on housekeeping

He is not saving 3k per month for a rainy day
We are saving 3k per month for a rainy day

Not that he wants to buy us a house.
It is that we want to be homeowners.

To get a joint account and a joint approach to finances does not need to change your spending and saving. It's just you do it as a team. As a family.

KERALA1 · 19/11/2017 19:41

I can't imagine trusting someone enough to marry them and have children together but not then not trust them to have a joint account with Hmm. You do know that if you divorce it's irrelevant whose "name" assets are in it's all on the table? So it's all a fiction anyway.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 20:21

And you do know people can and do manage their finances via separate accounts.fact

cantlivewithoutcoffee · 19/11/2017 20:23

I don’t believe there is anything wrong with staying at home to look after your child if that is what you want to do. Equality is fantastic and I believe that any woman who wants to go back to work and progress should be able to with childcare split evenly but some of us (myself included) are happy to pick up the majority of the childcare and work less (or not at al). We should be able to do this without being judged.

My daughter is 13 months and I have just gone back to work - I have reduced my hours to 1-2 days/week for now and will increase further if and when I’m ready. From the way I feel right now, I don’t want to increase to more than this. Like you, I absolutely love being at home with my daughter and am happy to look after the house too but I am aware that this may change in a few months and if it does, I will increase to 3/4 days per week. I am fortunate to be in a career where I have this level of flexibility and have the opportunity to temporarily increase my hours (and income) for a few projects then drop back down as it suits. Doing 1-2 days keeps my hand in my career for long term so I have something to go back to.

However, our finances are joint and I manage everything while I’m at home more. We decide together what portion of income we want to save and I track all outgoings. If it looks like we are spending more than we wanted to, we sit down and look at our outgoings and decide together how we will deal with it. We both have access to all money. I strongly believe this is how money should be in a family, particularly one where there is a huge disparity in income because one of you works less in order to provide childcare.

SittingAround1 · 19/11/2017 20:31

Make sure the house is in both your names.

gillybeanz · 19/11/2017 20:32

Lipstick

How does it work if both work? Is it a set amount between you and how do you work out how much each puts in.
Is it arranged so you both get the same amount of disposable income?

Me and dh don't have a joint account, we just never got round to it.
However, we don't have his and her money. For us it's just named accounts that different things come out of. They could just as easily be named apple and pear, not sure the bank would allow this though.
I feel like asking them now Grin

KERALA1 · 19/11/2017 20:40

Irrelevant whose "name" marital assets are in.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 20:41

No joint accounts, mortgage split pro-rata, split bills,fsplit most food
Respective Salaries to own accounts.pay own mobile phone,gym etc
If either is buying a particular niche food or thing that’s not shared they pay it
Holidays we agree a budget and split cost. Take own spending money

KERALA1 · 19/11/2017 20:45

Sounds fun!

gillybeanz · 19/11/2017 20:45

I suppose that makes sense, it certainly seems fair to both partners.
It doesn't matter who pays for what out of what account as long as the spending is fair.
If you both decide to save do you agree a percentage/amount each or are savings paid equally too.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 20:46

You take your own spending money on holiday?
What happens when you go out for dinner?

iamyourequal · 19/11/2017 20:48

OP. (If you are still here). What is your line of work? This might be key to your decision making. I'm guessing it must just have been casual work? It seems odd you said you were on mat leave and are going back to work in January but don't seem to have a job/employer to return to. What happened? . I only ask as some careers/jobs are far easier to rent to after a break than others.

Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 20:49

some of us (myself included) are happy to pick up the majority of the childcare and work less (or not at al). We should be able to do this without being judged.

Absolutely.

Though if there if one person left solely responsible for earning any money, they must be 100% on board with bearing sole responsibility for that as well, otherwise I don’t think it will work.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 20:51

Yes,We do agree amounts to save to a joint savings for contingencies etc
No other shared monies as we have our respective salaries,to spend how we wish
I don’t ask him how or what to spend my money on,it’s up to me.and vice versa

Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 20:52

I think if both people in a marriage are happy with one person working full time and the other at home full time, that is fine and they certainly shouldn’t be judged. It’s only a problem if one of the couple are not happy with the status quo. Has the OP been back to tell us what her DH’s feelings are?

FitBitFanClub · 19/11/2017 20:53

What happens when you go out for dinner?

Maybe there's a whispered hissy argument in the restaurant along the lines of, "but I only had the tomato soup." Grin

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 20:55

Yes the sole earner needs to agree to take on that responsibility,it must be agreed
Being a man doesn’t mean he has to be the earner.and being female doesn’t mean giving up work
This is a big deal and he is entitled to say no.its not a given,but do talk about it

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/11/2017 20:56

If we go out we split bill for what we ate,that’s fair.how else would it go?

cantlivewithoutcoffee · 19/11/2017 20:59

Completely agree @Appuskidu. Having one main earner absolutely has to be a joint decision.

We are happy with ours as me being around more allows him to invest more in his career and he earns far more than he would have if we had both dropped our hours. This benefits the family as it is also more than I would have earned if I had worked more hours than I do.

By working a small amount, i keep my hand in my career and can step back up when I am ready. They way things stand right now, this should be fairly easy as I am still in the workforce. If however things change where my career/employer is concerned, I can always look at stepping up hours sooner than originally intended

FitBitFanClub · 19/11/2017 21:01

How else would it go? One or other of us uses our card (from the joint account) to pay the bill, regardless of who's eaten what. No discussion or maths needed at the table.

And what about what the kids eat? Who pays for them or do you split that too? Just seems a crazy way to live, when you're a family.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 21:04

Appuskidu - the OP never really mentioned how her DH felt about her going back to work. Maybe she got a vibe that he expects her to? I suppose if you give your wife a limited amount per month, it's tantamount to saying, "If you want more it's up to you to earn it". It would be hard for her to feel fully supported in that scenario.

Also I think it's quite a lot to ask relatives to take up the slack (unpaid?) so that two parents can work. I get that this could be necessary where finances are really tight but his is not the case here really.

RJnomore1 · 19/11/2017 21:06

When we go out for dinner, one or other of us pays. We don't keep track of who or split it in any way. It's not weird and it's not difficult.

Parisa78 · 19/11/2017 21:07

Lipstick - Do you really split the bill at dinner? Sorry I just find that astonishing. I don't mean to be rude, I just have never come across this kind of set up. Do you have DC as well?