To ask you to help me reply to 'are you still mad at me'

[Ilovecoleslaw]

Long story short; friends went on a night out without inviting me and we all went shopping the next day. I felt excluded from the night out and then the shopping as they went into shops without me, didn't wait for me etc. Basically felt like a taxi driver. One of the 2 friends asked how I was the next day and I said how I felt. Turnt into an argument with her saying I was excluding myself, I was on my phone all day and I wasn't invited on the night out as I was driving them to shopping the next day.
Full thread if anyone wants more info:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3078292-To-be-upset-friends-didnt-invite-me-out?pg=1&order=
Haven't talked since the last message which was almost 2 weeks ago, and we normally talk everyday. Last message ended with me saying I was just explaining my point, and her last message was 'point received'.
Forward to last night and she messages me 'are you still mad at me?', due me having no idea what to say and after a busy day at work I couldn't be bothered to reply. Just received another message from her saying 'cool'.

Now I'm stuck.
We used to talk almost everyday and I won't lie, I have missed talking to her at times, but I haven't been desperate to talk to her either.
I've been doing really well at work and trying to be more social (I would only say I have the two friends that I mention in my previous thread), and I'm going to my works Christmas party next month. Wasn't sure about going as I'm in a temporary position, but hoping to be permanent in February, and I really want to make some new friends so thought why not. General consensus of the last thread was that I WNBU and i need to make new friends.

And now I just have no idea what/if to reply and it just all feels really childish.
Please give me some wise advice mumnetters.
And sorry for the long post, think I've got everything relevant in there!

🥒 for you Polar Bear 😂

Were you on your phone a lot when out with them?

Don't engage further, don't respond to her text.

Stop wasting emotional energy on 2 people who have made it clear that they value your chauffeuring skills over you as a person.

When people show you who they really are, believe them.

Sensible response from imafraidofvirginiawolves3cats.
Making new friends is not easy. I think u relegate friends who've let you down and 'promote' acquaintances who deserve friendship. It's not an exact science.

Definitely ignore. Unless you decide to send 'Uber is your friend now'

Do you want to mend the friendship? I know it's probably not a very popular opinion and most people say get rid. However I have been in similar positions before and have smoothed things over as I felt it benefited me more to have them in my life maybe not treating me the best then to not have them at all.
Although I probably wasn't in the best place myself at the time, so just did what I needed to do then. I have since cut the person out as the negatives outweighed the benefits.

If you don't want to repair the friendship I would definitely just text back 'cool'.

Sorry OP these are not your friends and I’d be full of apologies if I’d inadvertently hurt a good friend whether or not I felt it was my fault. And whether it was her place to invite you to the other friends house she could have said ‘shouldn’t we invite OP?’ But obviously didn’t or she’d have mentioned it.

Proper laughing at gherkin though

Id just cut them off.

Otherwise something like, im not mad you didnt invite me to someone else’s house. Im upset you didnt invite me on the night out.

I'd have been tempted, after the "are you still mad" text to reply "why, you need a lift?" Anyway...

OP, you are spending too much time trying to figure out what behaviour on your part would result in her treating you like a friend. You shouldn't have to do that with actual friends. Going out on a limb I suspect that you've either been bullied or one of your parents is quite distant/judgemental - you've got into this habit of thinking that you need to earn people's love. You don't. Nice people are just nice. If someone wants to be your friend, they will be, and you won't have to make special efforts or say the right thing. Hanging around people who've not your friend is getting in the way of you making actual friends. You have to start judging other people's behaviour. Say to yourself, of your "friend's" behaviour - going along with the plan to exclude you from the night out, using you as a chauffeur, then turning the blame back onto you in her text - is this what a friend does? Would you do this to a friend? No? Then she's not a friend.

'No, you're right, you didn't do anything. You could have invited me on a night out, you could have been interested in the shops I was interested in on our shopping trip, you could have understood why I felt left out and used, you could have treated me like a friend. But you're right, you didn't do any of those things. Here's a link to for next time you need a taxi driver. '
Send and then block.

I'm so sorry you've been treated like this. You are worth more than this. I hope your efforts to make more friends are successful.

If she was indeed your friend, I would have expected her to say to the other friend who's house it was at (given how close you 3 were supposed to be) 'what about coleslaw?' 'Is coleslaw not coming tonight?' Reading your previous thread, she was fully involved in unnecessarily excluding you, both the night out and during the shopping trip. It's always hard moving on, but I think you already know it's what you should do.

Oh FFS all this repeated drama. Just bin the cheeky feckers off, rather than continually asking us all about these so-called friends and what you should do about them. You'll be much happier.

I remember your last thread. She's not a friend - she's a piss-taking cheeky fucker. You seriously need to work on your self-esteem if you think this is what 'friendship' looks like.

I'd text back and tell her that she could have invited you on the night out. But that it's done and dusted now and you have other things to get on with, so you wish her well for the future but think that it's best to draw a line under things - and that next time she needs to be driven round, she can book an Uber.

Cut them off. I did similar when I was 22. There were 3 of us in a friendship group, suddenly the other two were going out without me, making little in jokes. Then one day they booked a holiday without me, didn't tell me and 'a' put a photo of herself and 'b' at the airport, captioned 'off with my number one for a crazy weekend' b then text me when they got home asking if I wanted to go shopping and for lunch, and could I pick them up.

I replied something along the lines of 'go fuck yourself' and then ghosted them.

They were my only friends, and it took time to make new friends, it was hard, but I took a night job in a bar - met my husband there too and my best friend. I'm 28 now and I've made better friends since getting older than they ever were.

You're so much better than they are. Don't let them back in your life. Onwards and upwards.

After reading your last thread many people encouraged you to find people who would treat you with respect because these two definitely didn't. What they did to you was awful.
It's good to hear your job is going well & is going to be permanent in the new year. Maybe you could see that as a fresh start with fresh potential friends? If I were in your shoes I'd give these two a wide berth. They haven't apologised nor have they understand fully what they did or how they made you feel. Selfish folk don't often change their personalities sadly. Good luck and enjoy your Xmas party!!

They used you. You were nothing but a convenient Taxi to them.

Drop them, walk away, find new friends and move forward. Xx

Please just ignore these poor excuses of friends. I would maybe text back that I have missed our chats but feel like the friendship is not what I thought and then move on

Did you reply to her last message op?

I agree with pp they are not your friends, I would definitely cool it with them.

I read your other thread also. They were really nasty to your at the shopping centre.

The fact they won't apologise or think of your feelings say it all really.

You have let your dislike of change lead to you hanging on to people who are not helpful to have in your life. I spent years with various friends who were not right for me, a good friendship is just like a good relationship - you have to kiss a good few frogs before you find your prince/ss. Someone who doesn't invite you on a night out so that you can drive them somewhere the next day is not your friend - they are not putting your needs above their own. By all means carry on an acquaintance with her if it is useful for you but do not let her take the p*ss, don't drive her anywhere and don't think of her as your friend - she is not! It is okay to have different people in your life for different reasons, some for fun nights out, some for heart to hearts etc etc but do not keep someone in your life who only 'takes', and do not confuse a CF for a friend. Take responsibility for protecting yourself and do keep looking, you will find your tribe and when you do hold on to them! xxx

My younger SIL is used like this by her 'friends'. So much upset so many times, no matter what I tell her. This response is BS and very juvenile. I would ditch her and the other c now ILoveColeslaw. I would see it as a step towards being a better, stronger individual. The message is all about herself with no consideration of what you have just said. They are using you. Seen it happen too often. So you were not invited, a good friend would say, ok if I bring my buddy along, most would say yeah, no probs (it's not a blacktie event FFS). So get the fuck away from those two now and you will feel better for it. You sound young, there is many other friends you will make yet.

I think that maybe you might have let your dislike of change lead to you hanging on to people who are not helpful to have in your life. I spent years with various friends who were not right for me, a good friendship is just like a good relationship - you have to kiss a good few frogs before you find your prince/ss. Someone who doesn't invite you on a night out so that you can drive them somewhere the next day is not your friend - they are not putting your needs above their own. By all means carry on an acquaintance with her if it is useful for you but do not let her take the p*ss, don't drive her anywhere and don't think of her as your friend - she is not! It is okay to have different people in your life for different reasons, some for fun nights out, some for heart to hearts etc etc but do not keep someone in your life who only 'takes', and do not confuse a CF for a friend. Take responsibility for protecting yourself and do keep looking, you will find your tribe and when you do hold on to them! xxx

You are doing so well in moving on she obviously just needs something like a lift from you. Her message was just “me, me, me”. You have managed for two weeks to do without your regular contact with her - well it takes around 21 days to break a habit so please keep going. You may find that habit is all it was. Have fun at your Christmas party

She couldn’t invite you to someone else’s house but she could have suggested that person invite you since you were going to be doing the driving for them all. I’m wondering if she’s using you as social currency, to get in with these other people.

I'd reply with 'cool' and then I wouldn't engage further. You can't force someone to see your POV and it doesn't sound like she wants to. I gave up some toxic friends about 10 years ago and I was really lonely for a while. I gradually made a few friends at work and got out a bit, then I met my DH and went out a lot with his friends and partners and just built things up from there. I doubted my decision a few times but being lonely wasn't as bad as being used by people so I stood my ground.

You could reply and engage with her message, you could ask why she knowingly left you out of a night out so that you could drive them the next day and how she would feel if it was the other way round. You could also say that if she was a real friend then turning everything around on you wouldn't have occurred to her. But she will stand by her new version of events rather than accept responsibility.

You deserve better than this.