To ask you to help me reply to 'are you still mad at me'

[Ilovecoleslaw]

Long story short; friends went on a night out without inviting me and we all went shopping the next day. I felt excluded from the night out and then the shopping as they went into shops without me, didn't wait for me etc. Basically felt like a taxi driver. One of the 2 friends asked how I was the next day and I said how I felt. Turnt into an argument with her saying I was excluding myself, I was on my phone all day and I wasn't invited on the night out as I was driving them to shopping the next day.
Full thread if anyone wants more info:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3078292-To-be-upset-friends-didnt-invite-me-out?pg=1&order=
Haven't talked since the last message which was almost 2 weeks ago, and we normally talk everyday. Last message ended with me saying I was just explaining my point, and her last message was 'point received'.
Forward to last night and she messages me 'are you still mad at me?', due me having no idea what to say and after a busy day at work I couldn't be bothered to reply. Just received another message from her saying 'cool'.

Now I'm stuck.
We used to talk almost everyday and I won't lie, I have missed talking to her at times, but I haven't been desperate to talk to her either.
I've been doing really well at work and trying to be more social (I would only say I have the two friends that I mention in my previous thread), and I'm going to my works Christmas party next month. Wasn't sure about going as I'm in a temporary position, but hoping to be permanent in February, and I really want to make some new friends so thought why not. General consensus of the last thread was that I WNBU and i need to make new friends.

And now I just have no idea what/if to reply and it just all feels really childish.
Please give me some wise advice mumnetters.
And sorry for the long post, think I've got everything relevant in there!

If you want some kind of relationship in future, I would reply "I'm not mad, but still hurt by what happened and trying to figure it all out".

If you don't, I would ignore it.

She definitely wants a lift this weekend! [cynical face]

She should have apologised instead of putting it on you for being "mad". If you want to forgive her that's fine and very kind and mature. She sounds a bit childish I'm afraid.

Oh, and you need to distinguish between two things

• Missing someone out of habit, because they're always there, but they're always using you and bringing you down so actually in the long run you'll feel better for cutting contact.

and

• Genuinely missing someone and feeling like your life is smaller without them.

This sounds like the former!

I know what you mean about missing people. I'm currently refusing to respond to a friend who forgot my 40th birthday but who could remember to email me on the day to ask me to do a load of work for her for free, without any kind of credit. She is constantly using me and I've had enough. I do miss her, but I realise that the dynamics of the relationship are one-way, unhealthy and abusive and that I'll do a lot better if I just tough this out. It's like a mini-version of the breakup of a relationship with someone you know is never going to work. Painful in the short term, but necessary longer term.

"She should have apologised instead of putting it on you for being "mad"."

Yes, something like "sorry about the other weekend-can you drive me to X tomorrow"?

She is on the mooch for a lift.You could ask them what their plans are ad if it involves you driving them anywhere.Thats all you need to know.

I don’t hold grudges either but the person needs to be genuinely sorry and realise what they’ve done.
This isn’t holding a grudge. It’s not being used and cutting people out of your life who are making you unhappy.
Ignore the message.

I remember your post. These weren't exactly good friends and they didn't treat you well either. She has txt you are you still mad at me like your over reacting then responded cool like a inpatient selfish cow. Personally I'd leave it she has taken no responsibility for her actions and I dnt think she even knows what she has done wrong. I have minimal friends but in the past I have had friends like them, immature and can't see beyond them selfs. believe me I'm far better off without them and so would you be.
I'd say make a new social circle with ppl that you can relate to and are considerate friends.
From your last post it seemed ud probably outgrown these girls so it's only natural these situations occur.
Move onwards and upwards no hard feelings be around ppl who appreciate you and you them

Just ignore,no matter what you say they're never going to change and are likely to fall out with one another soon enough when they start trying that behaviour on each other.

Move on,enjoy your job,enjoy the Christmas party and make some new friends.

Sounds like she contacted you again because she wanted to use you as a taxi service again. If I thought I’d done something to upset a friend I wouldn’t deal with it by text, it deserves meeting up or at the very least a phone call. She is hiding behind the text and doesn’t sound like much of a friend. I can’t believe she didn’t invite you out because she wanted you to be sober enough to drive her about the next day! If you really want to get back in touch I would stop offering/ find a reason why you are unable to chauffeur her about and see how long she stil” wants you around.

I don't think it was a case of being mad, more a case of being hurt and upset.

I'd reply saying you aren't mad and never were, but you are still hurt and sad.

If you’re looking to find friends, join meet up.com and find groups in your area.
www.meetup.com/

She probably wants some ferrying about to do her xmas shopping.

I would reply, "No, not mad just been really busy."
Let her get all friendly with you again and the second she thinks you guys are okay, she'll invite you out, with you driving of course.

At least you will know for sure where you stand for sure.

"why, do you need a lift somewhere?"

"I'm not angry but you MUST realise the way you treated me was hurtful and disappointing and I have to evaluate where we go from here and whether we can have a relationship on a more equal footing." I wouldn't not reply as she'll tell everyone you're in the huff.

However agree with everyone else - party season is coming up and she wants a lift so I'd just gently ease her out of your life. Find better friends. Be busy, be blythe, have fun. You deserve it.

you do realise that are you still mad = are you going to stfu and carry on being our taxi driver and the butt of our jokes, dont you?
you were told countless times on your thread that those two are not your friends and you are just fooling yourself to think otherwise.

This!

I remember your original thread and these so-called friends treated you appallingly. They're not your friends, these people do not care about you at all. Better to be alone and make some new friends than tolerate these users.

I posted on your other thread. They are bitches, and I guarantee she wants something which is why you've had contact now.

Block, ignore and find some real friends who appreciate you. Don't be their taxi driver any more, please.

Given the original thread I’d assume she was getting in touch as they need you to drive them somewhere again soon. Or that she knows damn well they treated you badly and is now waiting for you to play the game, act as you normally do around them and stop them feeling guilty.

I think you were right not to instantly reply back, although I’d bet that what she expected you to do.

honeysucklejasmine's reply is perfect:

"why, do you need a lift somewhere?"

Agree, you need to be asking where gherkin wants driving to this time

She not gherkin

There's nothing wrong with being mad. There's also nothing wrong with telling the person you're mad at that they've upset you.

Something along the lines of "You've not acknowledged how I feel or how upset I am so there's not much more to say". Put it on them. They're the ones behaving like arseholes and it sounds like you're doing fine without them.

Moving on and away from people is fine. People change and grow and perhaps you've outgrown that friendship. Smile and say hi in public and keep making an effort with others to ensure you don't 'miss' your old friends too much.

I remember your thread. They are users, you did nothing wrong, and like most pisstakers, turned it all around to how it was your fault. I had friends like this. Had being the operative word. When I had it out with one, over messages, she did the same. I was treated like crap and retreated a bit but not totally then it was all turned around to how it was my fault. I never received an apology and they never bothered to get even get in touch. Told me everything I needed to know.

I wold tell them that you don't understand where they are coming from, as you have already told them, and if they fail to see where you are coming from, then you have reached a parting of ways.

What Trojan said.

She has told you that you weren't invited on the night out as you were driving them to shopping the next day.

This should confirm you are the taxi and not the friend.

Get new clothes/friends! :)