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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling a single parent a single parent

102 replies

Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 09:43

Got into it with someone earlier after trying to give them a bit of advice, bearing in mind she asked for advice. I couldn’t help her with what she wanted but did mention other avenues where she may get the answer she’s looking for including a group for ‘the likes of single parents’, which she is. Queue a massive, in my opinion, overreaction. Ended up telling her that I wasn’t going to argue etc and that what I said was not in a malicious way what so ever. My mum and sisters are single parents and I know how hard they work at it and how tough it has been for them.

Has the world gone mad, can you no longer call a spade a spade?

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 10:03

Sorry, feel like the whole middle of this story is missing. She was cross at being called a 'single parent'? As found the term offensive or disagreed (some may not be in relationships but still co-parent equally for example)? What was her reasoning for being cross with what you said?

Starlight2345 · 16/11/2017 10:09

Sorry I am a single parent and am not offended by the term you post does not explain what she is offended about

scurryfunge · 16/11/2017 10:12

Maybe it was the use of the term " the likes of....". Bit condescending and is usually used to stereotype certain groups.

Witsender · 16/11/2017 10:15

Yes, I was thinking the same. "The likes of" is probably the problem.

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 10:15

Sorry some of the middle story is missing. I couldn’t help her with something she needed and she thought I could have as I know people. I informed her the peopl I know wouldn’t be able to help as she’s asking for what I believe something a bit more specialised and anyways the people I know all work full time so couldnt help during the day when she’s needed it. Hence why I mentioned other avenues where she may be able to get that help.

She’s called me rude, unsympathetic and wants me to apologise. Also stated that I haven’t reached out to her and I informed her that we all have stuff going on and she hasn’t once asked me how life is. To which she turned round and stated that she didn’t want me to reach out. Hope that explains a bit better. Basically she wants me to apologise for something she took the wrong way.

I also have a 20 year old sister who has a 5 year old who owns the statement single parent. She seems to think I have a negative connotation of single parent but these days does it actually really matter. In my opinion I think she has the issue with the term single parent.

I also know that there is no co parenting going on whatsoever and she has previously stated this and the fact she wants nothing to do with the ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 10:17

as for the use of likes of there is nothing meant by it it’s just the the groups I suggested are aimed at single parents and those who are in similar situations

OP posts:
Ljlsmum · 16/11/2017 10:22

Ignore her OP- you're not in charge of her feelings. Sounds like she's just annoyed that you didn't give her all the help she needed despite you saying here- those people wouldn't have been able to help her.

BellBookandCandle · 16/11/2017 10:24

YABU in general terms......a widow or widower bringing up their family may object to being called a single parent, do may someone who.is divorced because Thier partner cheated and left them in the lurch. None of them expected to be raising a child on their own - they did not chose to be a lone parent.

Single may imply a choice, ie you weren't' part of a couple when deciding to have a child/ren

Only you know if you were BU with regards to the person in your OP..... I suspect you were and used single parent as opposed to lone parent (as well as the inflammatory "the likes of.....") to get a reaction.

EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 10:24

She’s called me rude, unsympathetic and wants me to apologise.

I'm still confused. It sounds to me like you have said something rude to her, but not saying exactly what. Really can't read how this is about being called a single parent (sorry if I'm being dim).

Ljlsmum · 16/11/2017 10:24

Sorry- just to clarify I mean ignore her rants and don't apologise. She owns her feelings, you can't help how she takes what you say out of context.

Birdsgottafly · 16/11/2017 10:26

"The likes of" is never a good term to use. It is rarely, if ever not used negatively.

You are defending using it, but I think you should acknowledge to her and yourself that it shouldn't have been said and try to remove it from your usage.

TBH, most people who come out with "calling a spade a spade" are rude and/or like to get digs in.

Ted27 · 16/11/2017 10:31

I'm a single parent, by choice through adoption. I don't have a problem being called a single parent.

However, single mums get a lot of bad press,( whereas single dads are 'heros' )

So if I heard the words 'the likes of' I would infer some judgement

FlowerPot1234 · 16/11/2017 10:32

I'm still no clearer on what the discussion was about Confused.

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 10:33

Didn’t try to get a reaction out of her, what would I gain from that.

Single parent to me is someone who is both single and a parent which she is.

This is what has cause offence.

Calling a single parent a single parent
OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 16/11/2017 10:35

The preferred term is "lone parent" as single suggests they're on the lookout for a partner.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/11/2017 10:37

It sounds as though OP works in a professional capacity to me and the single parent was after free advice. OP has told her it is more specialist advice that she needs (and I suspect may have to pay for from the appropriate specialist). The OP has tried to steer to her groups or forums where somebody may have first hand knowledge or there may even be a specialist on there (like there is on legal and education here).

It sounds as though SP has got the hump that OP won't just solve her problems for her and doesn't want to have to use a SP group that might in fact have lots of advice for her.

OP ignore her until she realises she is entirely in the wrong.

EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 10:38

Single parent to me is someone who is both single and a parent which she is.

Ok, but at which point in your conversation did she become angry? What specific words or sentences did you use for her to lose her temper? Did you literally just say 'can't help sorry, have you tried 'the likes' of these single parent support groups' and she instantly reacted with 'don't call me a single parent, that's rude'? Or was there more to it (as I suspect there is). How exactly did the conversion go?

Originalfoogirl · 16/11/2017 10:38

Sounds like you have misunderstood what advice she is asking for.

I agree that adding "the likes of" is a very perjorative term.

I still can't see where she is annoyed that you called her a single parent.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/11/2017 10:39

cross post but it seems she still wants OP to solve her problems rather than working out a solution herself.

Fekko · 16/11/2017 10:40

What term does she suggest then?

EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 10:40

Sorry the picture just came up. Still don't know why you think she's offended by the term single parent though...

Furgggggg12 · 16/11/2017 10:42

"The likes of" is annoying. Single parents aren't some other species. But, I think I know what you meant. People have said similar to me with kind intentions.

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 10:44

That was the end of the conversation when she informed me that was not the type of help she required. About 6 hours later she sent another message saying I was rude and offensive. That she had only asked me because of the people I know so thought I may be able to help. I would screen shot what she said but she has used my name several times in her reply.

OP posts:
Jux · 16/11/2017 10:45

I don’t think ‘single’ suggests that at all. It suggests that they are parenting alone, just as lone parent does - actually lone parent suggests something like wide open plains and buffalo to me.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/11/2017 10:49

but these days does it actually really matter

Yes, to many people it does. There are lots and lots of threads on here openly slating single parents, references frequently made to 'single parent benefits' (no such thing), assumptions we don't work, assumptions we are young, uneducated, were never married, that we didn't work at our marriages, that we 're not really at a disadvantage because we get lots of free time, that we live in rented accommodation (never home owners), that those of us with multiple children have multiple fathers....I could go on.

We are frequently treated as second class citizens, something to be sneered at, patronised, judged. We don't work? Benefit scum. We work part time? Not trying hard enough. We work full time? We're putting our careers before our poor children who are the first to be dropped off and last to be picked up.

If you said the likes of to me you would get a mouthful. Who the hell do you think you are?