Calling a single parent a single parent

[Newmum102]

Got into it with someone earlier after trying to give them a bit of advice, bearing in mind she asked for advice. I couldn’t help her with what she wanted but did mention other avenues where she may get the answer she’s looking for including a group for ‘the likes of single parents’, which she is. Queue a massive, in my opinion, overreaction. Ended up telling her that I wasn’t going to argue etc and that what I said was not in a malicious way what so ever. My mum and sisters are single parents and I know how hard they work at it and how tough it has been for them.

Has the world gone mad, can you no longer call a spade a spade?

I agree that the term 'likes of' may have been her issue, but I'd ignore her.

You were only trying to help.

I haven't seen the whole conversation between you but could she have been hoping you would offer some free childcare? Was she intending to pay your friend? I too think it a total over-reaction. Time to gently disengage I think. You've only known her 6 months, so not a close friend anyway!

So, she asked you if you knew anyone who was looking for some hours as a nanny/au-pair/baby sitter and you suggested she tries asking her HV for support groups for "the likes of" single parents?

Completely agree with originalfoogirl. She wasn't asking you for support groups, she was asking you if you knew anyone she could employ.

Suggesting she goes to support groups, single parent groups is not helpful to the question she posed, in the slightest.

The scenario sounds a lot more complex than the phrase. However I didn’t like being called a single parent when I was on my own with the kids for two reasons.

1. It’s a politically loaded term, it opens you up to all sorts of negative assumptions and can invite discrimination in dealings with people in day to day life.

2. ‘Single’ in my experience was often interpreted by men as ‘available’. Being single is also considered a dating status which I didn’t want to be labelled with when I was very much unavailable for any romantic involvement.

I would never have kicked off about it to anyone though. Just how I felt internally about being called ‘single mum’.

The preferred term is "lone parent"

Speak for yourself

I think the only mistake is that you said the "likes of" single parents with the "likes of" possibly indicating a derogatory manner.

I think you have done a lot to try to help her from the look of it so don't feel bad.

But if she already struggles with money, doesn't work, how exactly does she think she can employ a nanny or au pair?

I think she has some kind of martyr syndrome tbh.

That said, being the sole parent for your DC, not in a relationship puts you in a category that falls foul of or in the firing line of pretty much everyone.

Men - because they think you are desperate
married men - because they think you're desperate and will keep quiet
women - because you're either competition or after their men
the press - because we are all benefit scrounging trollops
schools - because you're not expected to be a decent parent/supporter of the school if you are on your own

'likes of' feels judgy. I think that is what has irked her, and then she's gone off on one.

OP, I think you meant to post this in the "I am Absolutely Not Being Unreasonable" topic.

An easy mistake to make.

If someone whom you have helped and given your time cannot treat you with respect then drop her.

I am a single parent. It means I parent mostly alone. The rest, my relationship status etc, is not contained in that descriptor. I could be a widow, divorcee, separated, never married, in a relationship or a combination of these.

I am never offended by the term - it is accurate. I am offended by nasty people who cannot simply say "Thank you, I appreciate your time and help but I am really looking for xxx"

‘The likes of’ is never said in a positive way, is it?

I can’t think of a single instance, except when it’s said in jest, and the joke is that it’s a derogatory way of referring to someone.

It is a derogatory way if referring to someone or a type of someone’s. Whether you meant to be rude or not.

By saying that, what you actually said was ‘you are different (from me/the rest of us), and you are lesser (than me, than the other mothers or parents)’.

And the ‘different and lesser’ group you are referring to are single parents.

Not surprising she thought you were meaning to be rude.

Put that in the context of you not answering her specific question, and deciding instead to tell her she needs ‘specialist help’ and should go to groups for those other people like herself... well, and yes, you sounded very rude.

I can see that you don’t think you were rude, possibly because you didn’t set out to be rude and therefore cannot countenance an alternative.

By the way, you asking on here a very specific question about the term ‘single parent’, is about you proving yourself right.

But by distilling this into a question which misses the point and also dismissed the context which made it rude, you appear to be fishing for answers under false pretences.

I was called an "unmarried mother" the other month. It was by a very old man though and he didn't say it maliciously but even so, I was shocked.

I disagree about "the likes of" - always used it neutrally.

"I like 70's/80s pop - you know the likes of Blondie, Rod Stewart, Michael Jackson"
"I think we should invite some of the guys from the sports club to the party - you know, the likes of Matt, Jamie and Ben - they'll be fun to have here"

In the end the woman was offended, the OP didn't intend it - storm in a tea cup.

OP, you really need to stop using the phrase “the likes of”. You have used it not only in the text, but also in one of your posts on here.

In writing, this term will ALWAYS imply judgement and condescension. Stop using it. Just stop. I have no doubt that this (along with generally feeling quite low, as I’m sure this woman does) is what has her hackles up.

Marai in cases where there is any hint that things may be taken the wrong way, I would absolutely avoid using “the likes of”.

Think about how this sentence sounds: “That would be perfect for the likes of you”. On the surface, no nasty content - but the meaning is very clear. Sniffy, haughty, disapproving.

This puts it very well:

“The phrase 'the likes of' has a pejorative connotation fairly often, but not always. But the phrase always draws attention to a stark difference between the speaker (or "us") and the person(s) spoken about or spoken to, or between the person or thing spoken about and other persons (or things) to whom he or she (or it) might be compared.”

The phrase "the likes of" is offensive.

If she was black, and was asking if you knew of a hairdresser who could do cornrows, would you say "yes that one on the high street would be suitable for the likes of you"? I presume not. Can you see how offensive it sounds?

Does she have anyone else in rl to ask?

Point taken about "the likes of you" - but that wasn't what was said. However I have learnt that though that it is best avoided unless situation clearly cannot be misunderstood.

However OP was trying to be helpful and this woman seems to be very demanding of a six-month friendship and really not very grateful for the suggestions offered. If I were you OP I'd steer well clear. She clearly has no interest in or respect for you. Friendship should be a fair exchange.

Ywbu for your condescending, pitying tone and irrelevant advice.

If you weren't intending to be condescending, what exactly did you mean by 'the likes of single parents '?

You're either a single parent, or you aren't. Who else were you trying to include by saying that? Did you feel it somehow sounded softer or less judgey than simply saying single parents ?

I'm a single parent (quite happy with the term and no I'm not on the pull it's also not my choice that my ex turned out to be an abusive dickhead ). I wouldn't be offended by the term. But i certainly would by the addition of 'the likes of'.

“Point taken about "the likes of you" - but that wasn't what was said.“

You are the one who used innocuous phrases - “the likes of Blondie etc” - to illustrate your point. I was just giving another example that was more in line with what the OP actually did say.

Meh,

You tried to help, got it wrong (and you DID get it wrong, but that's OK we all get things wrong sometimes)

She felt offended and told you so.

So now you either apologise, briefly and sincerely and continue on, or don't.

She's not wrong to feel how she feels (maligned), nor are you wrong to feel how you feel (misunderstood).