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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling a single parent a single parent

102 replies

Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 09:43

Got into it with someone earlier after trying to give them a bit of advice, bearing in mind she asked for advice. I couldn’t help her with what she wanted but did mention other avenues where she may get the answer she’s looking for including a group for ‘the likes of single parents’, which she is. Queue a massive, in my opinion, overreaction. Ended up telling her that I wasn’t going to argue etc and that what I said was not in a malicious way what so ever. My mum and sisters are single parents and I know how hard they work at it and how tough it has been for them.

Has the world gone mad, can you no longer call a spade a spade?

OP posts:
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/11/2017 10:49

My friend has a massive issue about it. She comes from a very bigoted traditional family and her marriage breakdown is a real sore point. Her parents still make their comments about single mothers and when she joins in I can't help wanting to point out that's she's a single mother now too.

missymousey · 16/11/2017 10:52

Doesn't look inflammatory at all, to me it reads like you're being helpful. Must have touched a nerve somehow - you weren't to know. Flowers

If she is someone you are going to see again then it would do no harm to ignore all her subsequent rant and say you are sorry she's upset and that you had no intention of upsetting her. Maybe say it in person / by phone though not on text? Then after that leave well alone till she is feeling better.

Summerisdone · 16/11/2017 10:52

Sometimes people just look for reasons to be offended, I’m a single parent and I’m not offended by the term nor do I personally know any other SP’s who are, though I do get pissed when stereotyped.

It seems to me OP that your friend wanted someone to be able to solve whatever issues it is she’s dealing with, and when you made suggestions as to how she herself could resolve these issues, rather than just doing it for her, she got pissed off but deep down knows her reasons for being pissed weren’t really viable, so had to grasp onto something else to have moan at you for.

EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 10:53

saying I was rude and offensive. That she had only asked me because of the people I know so thought I may be able to help.

Firstly we've only seen a tiny snapshot of your conversation with her, so have no idea where either of you are coming from. Secondly, still don't understand how she's apparently upset with you calling her a single parent. It only sounds like (rightly or wrongly) she's peeved you couldn't help her. Why she has found you rude, I fear that may be forever a mystery now.

MargoLovebutter · 16/11/2017 10:54

Newmum, your acquaintance (wasn't sure if it was a friend) sounds a bit desperate. She sounds like she needs some help and the stresses and strains of being a single parent are getting to her.

It appears that you were trying to help but it wasn't the help that she wanted and she is pissed off and angry and venting about the single parent terminology, when actually it is probably here whole situation that is the issue.

I'm a single parent and being pointed to something that is aimed at "the likes of single parents" would jar a bit with me too. You didn't mean it badly but it feels slightly condescending. If I were going through a low & desperate phase, I'd probably feel upset by that.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 16/11/2017 10:55

For me 'Lone parent' would be a widow or widower or someone getting absolutely no input from the other parent.

Furgggggg12 · 16/11/2017 11:00

ohreallyohreallyoh

Oh yes. What you said. Definitely!

Backingvocals · 16/11/2017 11:01

The preferred term is "lone parent" as single suggests they're on the lookout for a partner

No it isn't. Gingerbread, the charity representing single parents, are quite happy with the term single parents. I am a single parent. I am the daughter of a single parent.

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 11:02

It’s not someone I see often.

I have never once made her feel like a second class citizen etc if anything I’ve been on hand to offer advice on where to go for help and what benefits she is entitled to as she has stated in the past she has had no money. Again something both my Mum and sister have had to do when it was needed.

I have made several attempts to tell her it was not said in malice and there was no hate behind it but she has constantly fired back that I am rude and so on. It got to a point at about 3am this morning that I told her I wasn’t going to argue anymore or go in tit for tat. Essentially wanting to draw a line under it. Again this didn’t go down well and I told her I wouldn’t be responding anymore. And again I get a text of me being rude etc

OP posts:
BraveButShaking · 16/11/2017 11:04

What help was she asking for that you thought she needed advice from other lone parents?
And why do you think she took offence at that?

EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 11:07

Newmum102 I've asked several times now and you still won't answer why she specifically called you rude about calling her a 'single parent'. Sorry but I don't believe it's about that at all, I think either she's taking the mick and wants you to help more than you're capable of - or you were genuinely rude. Right now I think it was a mixture of both.

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 11:10

She was asking for someone to come in and help her out for an hour or so a week and go to appointments with her. She also mentioned that her daughter has high seperation anxieties. I pointed her in the direction of charities that may be able to help but she informed me they had high waiting lists. This is when I suggested seeking advice from either her HV or someone who has gone through issues similar to her. A crèche was a big no no from her also.

OP posts:
strugglingtodomybest · 16/11/2017 11:11

So in the second message, 6 hours after the one posted above, when she asked you to apologise for being rude, what exactly did she say? Could you just type it out if you don't want to post the screenshot? I'm still a bit confused at the moment.

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 11:12

Edmund that was what set her off. And the text that she’s reverted back to over the conversation. She had stated the term single parent was offensive and rude. I personally don’t see how as in my eyes that is the situation she is currently in.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 11:12

But what has all that to do with being offended at being called a single parent??!

Seriously feeling I'm losing the plot here, can anyone else explain it to me I'm obviously being thick Confused.

strugglingtodomybest · 16/11/2017 11:13

Did she want you to help her out for an hour or so a week and go to appointments with her?

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 11:14

Do you know how derogatory 'single parent' sounds/means? It is very offensive. I wasn't going to say anything however I feel if you don't want to offend or upset anyone in the same way in future perhaps not use that phrasing?

My question to you earlier today was purely because your x works at a nursery and i thought perhaps some of those people might like some extra cash or another reference under their belts especially ones training a year or so behind.

This was her response several hours later. I’ve taken out my name and those who have been indemnified in the text

OP posts:
WrittenandGrown · 16/11/2017 11:15

I also think that your phrase 'the likes of single parents' was insulting, couldn't she just go to a parents group? Have you recommended Surestart for an extra pair of hands if you have it in your area?

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 11:16

And this was my response. Sorry I haven’t posted her text but she uses my name several time in it and it would just be a see ofnred

Calling a single parent a single parent
OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 11:18

I’ve recommended the likes of home start which i assume is something similar. I have suggested she come to several baby groups with us in the past but she has said she feels out of place there as no one is in her situation

OP posts:
mybestfriendisadog · 16/11/2017 11:22

it's obvious that she's desperate for some help, and you caught it because you couldn't help her out. I'm sure she was unreasonable, and agree it was likely the tone as well as it not being what she wanted to hear.

At the end of the day, she's still on her own, and we all over-react sometimes. Let it wash over you.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/11/2017 11:24

The preferred term is "lone parent" as single suggests they're on the lookout for a partner

Who told you that?!

Jux · 16/11/2017 11:25

Hmm, I think someone has told her that ‘single parent’ is offensive, and she hadn’t noticed it before.

I once asked (many years ago) at a special home if there was anyone who would like to earn a little extra by helping me with gardening. I am so embarrassed by it now. Of course it was rude, to suggest that someone with learning difficulties (mental handicap back then) was worth less than anyone else. I deserved the drubbing I got.

I think you could quite easily point out to her that her suggestion that someone’s time is worth less just because they are less qualified in a job that has little to do with attending appointments is rude and derogatory.

Don’t waste your time though.

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2017 11:26

I do think the term "the likes of" could be seen to be negative.

If you want to keep in contact with her just ask her. "I'm really sorry you're upset but I'm struggling to see how I upset you; could you explain".

If you don't just ignore.

Originalfoogirl · 16/11/2017 11:26

So, she asked you if you knew anyone who was looking for some hours as a nanny/au-pair/baby sitter and you suggested she tries asking her HV for support groups for "the likes of" single parents?

Yeah, that would wind me up too.