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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling a single parent a single parent

102 replies

Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 09:43

Got into it with someone earlier after trying to give them a bit of advice, bearing in mind she asked for advice. I couldn’t help her with what she wanted but did mention other avenues where she may get the answer she’s looking for including a group for ‘the likes of single parents’, which she is. Queue a massive, in my opinion, overreaction. Ended up telling her that I wasn’t going to argue etc and that what I said was not in a malicious way what so ever. My mum and sisters are single parents and I know how hard they work at it and how tough it has been for them.

Has the world gone mad, can you no longer call a spade a spade?

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/11/2017 11:27

'the likes of single parents' was insulting, couldn't she just go to a parents group?

No. Single parents aren't welcome at parents groups. Single mum is catching. We don't want all those no - single mums contaminated, do we?!

It's crazy how many people think that it's perfectly acceptable to segregate us. If it were skin colour or religion, there'd be laws against it.

reallybadidea · 16/11/2017 11:33

Yeah, she wants to pay someone to do childcare and she thinks you have stereotyped her as a poor, single-on-benefits parent. Still a bit of an overreaction but I can see why she's a bit offended tbh.

SoupDragon · 16/11/2017 11:35

I think you were rude actually. "The likes of single parents" is really rude and I think her point is that she was asking about something for which her being a single parent had no relevance.

Bunkai · 16/11/2017 11:39

I don't care a jot if I'm referred to as a single parent or lone parent. However "the likes of" implies inferior. It's condescending and rude and I would react as such. Perhaps would be best not to use that wording in future. That way you know you won't upset anyone in that regard.

I also notice you wrote in another text that you would assume... that she should have known that. Not that implies she's thick. You were wrong in your assumption yet by your phrasing you're blaming her.

So if she's already upset by "the likes of" then it's been compounded by "you should have known".

I do feel like you had the best of intentions to help but you inadvertently insulted her, It would be best to apologise in this instance (because you have upset her) and be more aware of your wording in future.

Originalfoogirl · 16/11/2017 11:39

Single mum is catching. We don't want all those no - single mums contaminated, do we?!

That and, when we socialise they are always trying to get off with our husbands. Our poor husbands just can't refuse that so we have to make sure there is no risk.

Jenny17 · 16/11/2017 11:39

I agree with SoupDragon there was no relevance in her being single parent. She is completely right in all parents can hire nanny's.

Why did you think the likes of single parents had any relevance in hiring extra help?

Bunkai · 16/11/2017 11:40

I see it's "you may have known that". Couldn't check exact wording on my phone. It doesn't change my opinion though.

Ted27 · 16/11/2017 11:42

Single parent yes, but no I'm not on the look out for a partner, Lone, yes, No but I'm not a widow, and there is no input from another parent, unmarried mum, yes but I'm not a feckless teenager.

I'm a mum who happens to be single, not married and not a widow.

Perhaps you can see why some of us might get a bit fed up with some of the assumptions made about about single parents as a group.
From the extracts you have posted, it looks like she has asked about getting a bit of domestic help which she is happy to pay for, and you have suggested a charity for vulnerable familes.
Maybe she is vulnerable, maybe she isn't, I don't know. Maybe thats where the misunderstanding stems from

FrenchJunebug · 16/11/2017 11:43

I am a single mum and judging by your posts it looks like you assumed that as a single parent she was not working full time or need extra help. In that case YABU.

I do not mind being called a single mum as it is what I mine. But I do mind being judge on it as I work full time and earn a good salary.

QueenUnicorn · 16/11/2017 11:45

She asked you about childcare as you knew someone and you directed her to a group 'for the likes of single mums'.
How frustrating for her.

Ceto · 16/11/2017 12:05

She's an idiot just for using the term "reach out" which is utterly wanky.

Vitalogy · 16/11/2017 12:09

I say lone parent and if needed describe myself that way.
"at the likes of single parents" doesn't sound great really. But it's hard to tell completely not being able to hear the whole conversation and know your friendship.

mustbemad17 · 16/11/2017 12:11

I was a single parent for 5 years. I have absolutely no issue with the phrase & i also have no issue with the sentence 'for the likes of' - i found out quite quickly where i live that the advice & support offered at general parenting groups wasn't tailored enough for single parents. The single parent group i attended was a bloody god send because i got so much info about the support i could access, the money help etc.
Also found round here that the parent groups included people who looked down their nose at single parents like me, because we are somehow inferior.

I'd have been quite relieved if someone pointed me in the direction of a single parent group personally; i spent the first year of being a single mum feeling like a leper that everyone else took pity on!!!

Vitalogy · 16/11/2017 12:14

You see, I think using the word single is similar to saying miss, why do people need to know your relationship status.

MrsOverTheRoad · 16/11/2017 12:27

Vitaology exactly. My friend brings up her DD alone. She has a relationship with a man who she doesn't live with.

So she's not a "single parent"

She parents alone though...her partner isn't actively involved in her child's life.

VelvetSpoon · 16/11/2017 12:30

Using the phrase the likes of single parents is inflammatory. Almost deliberately so. I'd be fucking livid if you said that to me.

Two things -.I don't get from your replies OP that you understand why she was offended. Do you get why saying the likes of isn't very nice and likely to touch a nerve?

Also do you have a history of being a bit condescending to her? I wonder if that's why she reacted as she did. Do you often use terms like reach out too, as I have to say that would irritate me...

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 16/11/2017 12:33

The preferred term is "lone parent" as single suggests they're on the lookout for a partner

No it doesn't. And preferred by who? Have you asked everyone?

Jenny17 · 16/11/2017 12:35

mustbemad17 from what I can see she wasn't asking for support nor did she need it. What she asked for was nanny/au pair to hire. To presume she needed support from a single parents group is not right and offensive.

SoupDragon · 16/11/2017 12:35

Some people (on MN!) say that "lone parent" means there is only one parent. So, only widowed or with an absent other parent.

I suspect you can't ever guarantee you've picked the right ohrSe.

SoupDragon · 16/11/2017 12:35

Phrase.

RoryItsSnowing · 16/11/2017 12:37

YABU for using 'queue' instead of 'cue' Hmm

Original poster
Newmum102 · 16/11/2017 12:46

Some background.

Acquaintances for 6 months, she joined our NCT group for a session as she missed her own.

She's single, she does not work and she told me she was struggling with money as she chose to have nothing to do with her ex, for very valid reasons which I am supportive of. I have provided her with practical advice in the past. She also mentions on the group chat how much she struggles with the LO and how hard she finds it. She seemed ok with me suggestining a local charity that helps families in need and those who are single parents. What I think she objects to is my use of likes of single parents. I cam see why this would offend but for someone who's asked me for a lot of advice and help I would assume she would have known I meant no malice in it.

In our group she is known to not really consider others, how they are feeling or things they are going through.

I did not use the term reach out, she did. I informed her hat I hadn't 'reached out' as I've had my own issues to be dealing with and rightly so my family comes first to me.

As pointed out, my sister is a single parent and she's single handedly raised her 5 year old son. She found the groups I suggested to be helpful, hence why I know about them.

She is also the one who has said she isn't keen on going to parent groups I've invited her too as she feels she doesn't fit it. I do not judge her, I have no need too. As stated what would I benefit from.

This thread was not intended to bash single parents or be single parents v those in a couple/marriage whatever.

OP posts:
shivermytimbers · 16/11/2017 12:48

I'd be quite offended too if I asked about hired help and got an answer that was completely irrelevant to my question. She was asking for a babysitter, not a support group. In that context, yes, you were offensive.

shivermytimbers · 16/11/2017 12:51

I do not judge her
Well, you do a bit. Otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned In our group she is known to not really consider others, how they are feeling or things they are going through.
Sounds like you've not been that supportive behind her back

EdmundCleverClogs · 16/11/2017 13:03

In our group she is known to not really consider others, how they are feeling or things they are going through.

It sounds to me like she has a very small child/baby, has left a very bad relationship and is struggling both mentally and financially. Whilst I usually believe asking how people are doing is a definite two way street, this is certainly one of the few exceptions.

The fact she's pointedly said that she feels you haven't 'reached out' to her reads to me like she feels abandoned by you as a friend. Her messages are crying out 'I need help' and your replies are almost clinical and cold, basically saying 'oh I don't know, ask someone else'. She probably snapped, felt judged as a single, non-working parent from your suggestions of 'look elsewhere' rather than replying like a sympathetic friend.