New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

Rachie

thank you

My partner has 4 children with his ex wife and we have them every other weekend. His kids are great, so sweet and well behaved. But they are HIS kids, not mine. I can understand the step mum wanting to feel part of the family etc but I cannot understand why she would want to take them to school in the mornings or be responsible for them when he isn’t there? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I would be furious in your position. Tell your ex that he’s already broken the arrangement and that’s put an end to it and from now on you will be having them back on Sundays all the time. I certainly wouldn’t stand for her dictating to MY child when to get a hair cut etc, that’s controlling. She sounds like she controls your ex as well. It sounds a bit sneaky, changing the rules on the very first weekend. I wouldn’t stand for it x

blackteasplease apologies you are correct- no one can be certain. I have several years experience as a family mediator and so have an idea of the way things tend to go.

I am sure that amicable co-parenting is the best way forward whenever possible, and that arrangements do need to flex over time.

The proposed arrangement would facilitate the father spending Sunday nights with his DC. This is an entirely reasonable request under the circumstances. He would still be being entirely reasonable if he used a childcare setting on a Monday morning to care for and take DC to school.

Actually OP, I think YANBU and I say this as both a mother and a stepmother. The reality of the situation is hard for people on here to understand. They think you should be grateful but it’s not that straightforward. Giving up nights in a month really could have an impact on maintenance (been there) and should not be done lightly. In addition to this, I don’t think it’s right for her to have an input into access arrangements or haircuts. The children have two parents who can sort this out. I don’t see it as my place with my step-kids and just try and be a kind and cheery person but not involved to the extent I could be resented. I want their lives to be lovely but I don’t want to replace their mother.

You are getting an unnecessarily hard time on here but I think you are right. This could be the start of a slippery slope.

Given the kids ages I think it’s only fair that you ask them what they want to do.

YABU

Maybe he would like the step Mum to play a more active part in the kids lives and develop more of a relationship. This is his choice.

You already have a lot more time with the kids. If I was him, I’d be asking for more time overall.

No. The children's needs and wishes should be front and centre. They have a long-standing arrangement which works well. They already spend Sunday evenings with their dad.

Zoenicole158 Exactly that!

And ask him outright if he is planning on reducing maintanence.

Honestly I would just tell your Ex that the DC don’t want her dropping them off so it’s best just to stick to the existing Sunday night return arrangements so the chipping and changing doesn’t get in the way.

If he tried to argue it isn’t up to the DC I would comment that it would be best to not cause conflict between step mum and them as that is just setting up problems in the future which would be s huge shame.

They already spend Sunday evenings with their dad. - this is incorrect. They spend EO Sunday with their Dad. He would like them for the whole evening.... It is completely unreasonable to deny him this under the circumstances. Unless you feel for some reason he has less of a right to parent DC than you.

There are some very outdated opinions towards fathers on this thread. They do not automatically have less rights to see their children.

She took your child for a haircut? Says it all. Presumptuous.

My dad remarried I was polite to his 2nd wife, she's ok actually I do like her and we get on. But she's not my mum - I have a mum. I never described her as my stepmum. She isn't, to me. She's my dad's wife.

All this wrangling about creating bonds..not all children are fussed about that. I know I wouldn't have wanted my dad's wife to take me to school and maybe meet/talk with people there. I suppose as my mum was already doing that, everyone knew my mum... I'd have likely felt dad's wife was trying to step on toes

OP I agree with you. They'll have already had time with the kids so if Dad isn't around to get them up and take them to school then fgs why not stick with current arrangement, just drop them home Sunday night. Easier, surely.

But theyre coming to an age where they can make a choice so they'll soon let you know their preference. It's about what they want at this time, I think.

How does it work with your new Husband having nothing to do with your children? You say if you need the children looking after, then you take them to your ex rather than letting your Husband have them. Isn't that a lot of messing around?

Do you expect your ex to return them to you and collect them again if he has to pop out or anything?

Why the big divides? DS has a stepdad (my husband) and he parents him better than his bio Dad (who incidentally is now now contact) but I couldn't imagine not "letting" him play a part in his life.

If your children are with their Dad, surely they are under the care of his wife too and why is it so bad that she wants to get involved? Maybe her doing the school run allows your ex to have a bit more of a relaxed time with the children. My ex hated returning DS to me because they couldn't relax or do anything on a Sunday as he had to be back by 3.

I strongly suspect that SM will be doing most of the school runs on Monday, and kids will get no more time with dad - he will keep booking trips abroad as he has always done. What is the point in that?

You make it sound like he is heading off on vacation every business trip, rather than working.

Let me guess - he makes more money now than he did when he was married to you, makes more money than your current husband, and that really pisses you off.

To be honest, if it did go to court (and, although you seem to think this is unlikely, if the SM is as pushy as you say and seems quite set on this, it could do) they’d probably take the children’s opinions into account and go from there. I got to choose at 12 when my parents divorced.

However, I do feel like you’re just digging your heels in a tad unnecessarily. I completely understand how hard it is to give up your time with your DC and that it is harder to give up that time to a SM rather than the ex. I have been there! I let it go because exdp would just lie and DS is young enough that the courts do make the decision and previously have said that as long as he finds suitable childcare and I don’t have any concerns about their safety and well-being then they don’t have an issue with it.

To be honest, I’m glad I did. I actually get on better with DS’ SM than I do exdp. She’s wonderful with DS and much more patient with him.

When I was younger and my parents remarried my mum had a real problem with my SM (to the point that even now as an adult I am very careful to avoid mentioning much about her in front of my Mum) and I could never understand why she couldn’t just be happy that there was someone around who was an extra person to love me and look out for me. I do get it now, but I think that 9/10 times these feelings aren’t anything to do with the children, it’s to do with how you feel about sacrificing pet of your role to another woman so I try to ignore it.

Whether your ex is under the thumb is neither here nor there. If that’s how he wants his relationship to be then there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t have to agree with how he parents the DC while they’re there, as long as no harm is coming to them.

I’d sit them down and say that their dad is really keen to have them stay every Sunday they’re there, even when SM has to do the school run and ask them to explicitly list their concerns about it. Then if you think they’re valid and they’re serious concerns, carry on digging your heels in but state that it’s the children who don’t want to go ahead with the proposed changes. If they’re minor issues, suggest to the DC that they trial it for a month. Explain to exdp that the children aren’t completely sold on the idea because of x, y and z but you’ve asked them to try for his sake and you’ll review the arrangement in a month’s time.

But I’d seriously have a think about why this is so important to you. If it is genuinely because the DC don’t want to do it then that’s understandable although still something I think can be explored for the sake of keeping things amicable. If it is because you’re pissed off about her overstepping the mark and the haircut etc then that isn’t about the kids, that’s about your personal feelings and it shouldn’t come into it. Otherwise, as PPs have said, you run the risk of creating a rift and making things really difficult for the children down the line and those sorts of things can really last. My parents still can’t be in the same room and be pleasant, I dread the day I get married and I’m 27!!

Op are you deliberately discouraging a relationship between dh and dc so you can insist exh does the same?
Your dc will back you up likely to gain your approval not necessarily their true wishes .
You need to accept you can't pull anyone's strings and support your dc having 2 homes and 2 step parents who should be involved.

I dont see why a rp should be expected to feel grateful that someone they didn't choose wants to co parent their children.

I bet she'll be pregnant soon and regret pushing for this.

Op, it would piss me off too, but if the kids are happy with it, I'd let it go.

choli

-- yes he makes more money than he did when we were married.

• no, he doesn't make as much money as my new husband. No where near.

Honestly, some people on here.

I dont see why a rp should be expected to feel grateful that someone they didn't choose wants to co parent their children

Because she makes me ex very happy. Because she's one of the kindest women I have met. Because she loves my DD. I couldn't have made a better choice

Honestly I would just tell your Ex that the DC don’t want her dropping them off so it’s best just to stick to the existing Sunday night return arrangements

Have the DCs said this or is a poster just surmising?

OP you have clearly decided that YANBU. You clearly dislike the step mum and are not willing to let her take them to school once a month. What exactly are you trying to get out of this thread?
You started by saying you have an amicable relationship with the kids' father, but have now resorted to bashing him to posters that have taken his side (saying how he has chosen his career over his kids and it's his choice not to see them more often).

I don't really see what the real problem is here? It's only every other weekend, so 2 mornings a month. I would love an extra lie in every other week and if that meant my ex's partner taking my kids to school I would be fine with them. My ex's partner has offered to look after my dc's when ex isn't there, it wouldn't really bother me, my dc's are the same age as yours.

Let the. Get on with it, I'm sure if your dc's really don't want her taking them they will make this clear with her. Your making a massive deal out of something tiny.

I just can't imagine being the kind of woman desperate to take another woman's children to school.

I accept that many women are though.

OP - I'm with you, I would not like this. She does sound very pushy.

I haven't been in your situation at all - but I have been a step child and I wouldn't have liked stepmum taking me to school. I'd want my mum or dad to do it. Maybe I'm projecting.

I'm cringing at the thought of pushy stepmum badgering your ex over wanting to take the dc to school. Just cringing. Thank god my own stepmum was never like this, I had (and still have) a great relationship with her - but she never tried to push her way in like this.