New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

What would the kids prefer/what is easier for them. How far away are they to do the school run (which is it needed for a 13 and 11 year old) - they are the ones whose opinion should count on this.

And then I think you have a divide really between your view on a step parent (and your husbands role) and theirs - neither is wrong or right but both have to be respected

SM COULD but are you honestly suggesting a step mum of 5 minutes will be given time with children when their father is out of the country over their own mother?

Yup. If he asks for extra contact (When you have fought against it and he has so little anyway) and there is no good reason for him not to have it, chances are he will get it. Because he will occasionally be away for works means very little when another parental figure is in the home.

In exh time it's up to exh who looks after the dc. End of.

@HuneyBee74 I think you’re really underestimating fathers rights in courts. Some judges, not all, are very father friendly so again, be careful relying on him working as an excuse.

Our court order gave us every half term, 1 week at Xmas and 3 weeks in summer. OH worked during these times but it wasn’t an issue to the judge as the child was at their other home with participating in their other families life.

We were all happy with this

step parents have no parental rights you are right but their father does have some say over who looks after them in the time he has contact. The same as you get to decide who baby sits if you were to go out one evening whilst they were with you. So he can chose for his new wife to take them to school. Yes if he is away for the whole weekend then they should stay with you but for the odd school run or a few hours whilst he's still at work there isn't much you can do.

How old our your children?

If you do to court I'd try not to speak much- you give away your true feelings of bitterness very easily! Their dad would win, tread carefully.

Also you refer to her as a stepmum of 5 minutes, but also say you have many examples of her behaviour over the years. Just because they haven't been married long doesn't mean she's "new" does it?! Shes been involved in their lives for years and you're refusing her a school run once a fortnight

bastardkitty

Yes. Because this may well reduce the child maintenance liability. Are you that naive? People do this all the time.

Sorry, but naïve? Go away and check the figures. 52-104 nights a year remains at 1/7th reduction. It wouldn't change a thing.

At 11 and 13 the word 'step mum' may well be pushing it a bit. She's their father's new wife. At this age who/how they want contact with their father is their choice, they're past the age of 'it's good for you to build a parental relationship with this person'.

Main issue anyway: co parenting people discuss and make a decision. The partner of one of those co parents then for their own reasons talks their partner into changing it to something the other co parent isn't happy with. History for this. Children not happy. History of this.

Messing with co parenting between a couple? Not ok. Powerplay against the other parent? Not ok. I'd be pissed off too. I also would not be happy for ex's partner to get the reward of seeing when she demands, she gets to get her way and know she's won and you don't like it. There's obviously some kind of jolly she's getting out of doing it, and if she gets her way it's going to just reinforce the behaviour.

well i think this may be a way to reduce maintenance,op you need to find this out

if it means a reduction i would be inclined to think this was why this extra evening was proposed,especially if your ex is away and the step mum is controlling

can you do a calculation??

I had an uncomfortable situation once with ex ( great dad but shouty) where the DC just didn't want to stay the night. They were so scared he would find out it was their desicion. I promised them with all my heart he would never find out. I must of come across as the weirdo protective mother from hell with a stampy foot but I did it for them. In truth, I nearly poo'd my pants having to be so awkward but I'd do it a hundred times over. Are you worried about your DC ( with stresspants) and looking for a reasonable out?

bastardkitty No, I am not naive about maintenance thanks. Are you that paranoid that you actually believe the OP's scenario is all driven by a cunning plan to increase maintenance by the step mother?

I meant reduce, plan by the step mother etc etc

OP- I am taking about him winning the right to see his children on Sunday nights EOW. I am confident that he would be awarded this.

The week days are a different case if he is out of the country, and if this is unlikely to change.

However, courts, judges and mediators should be a last resort. I would advise that reasonable flexibility is a far better option.

Maintenance is a completely separate issue. Accusing a parent in this situation of simply trying to reduce his maintenance looks bitter. It could be equally said that OP is simply trying to keep hold of her maintenance.

Why is it when a man wants to spend time with his kids some people assume it's to reduce maintanence but when the mother wants them it's for maternal love?!

freshstart how on earth can you be certain of that?

You can never be certain. But in this case he can't even do the parenting at the time he proposes to have then.

Am sorry if this is bedside the point but don’t 11/13 year olds get themselves up and make their own breakfasts ?

christmaspudding1

52 to 103 nights 1/7th
104 to 155 nights 2/7th
156 to 174 nights 3/7th

Not even close

nick because he won't actually be spending any more time with them!

The OP is happy for him to have them on mornings when he can do the parenting .

How am I alienating my ex?

He has the kids EOW and one night a week.

He is continually offered half the holidays, but in reality only takes the kids for around a fifth of the time they are off.

Last summer they were off for 8 weeks and he had them for a total extra of 6 days, spread over 3 weeks.

He isn't interested in having them more because THAT would interfere with his work, he has never stepped up properly for school holidays.

blacktea The op says herself it isnt every week he is away early on a Monday. Parenting isnt just about being there every second, it's also about having responsibility for them when you aren't.

I also think you are being unreasonable and you do come across as quite bitter. It is about your children and not your dislike of your husband's new partner.

As another poster has pointed out, it may be less disruptive for DCs to be able to sleep over on Sunday night then to have to be taken back to you.

Plus also agree that as this is not court ordered, you run the risk of DH getting your current arrangements modified by a court.

Your relationship does not sound as amicable as you intially describe if you are getting so riled by this

At 11 and 13, do they need a parent on the school run? Don't they get themselves to school?

I find it really weird when people say that the chidren most only ever be in contact with their father during contact time. (Not the step-mother.) 'End of' to quote one highly articulate and original poster above.

How does it work logically? Is the father allowed to go to loo? Have a bath? Receive important phonecalls? Go to the shops for a pint of milk?

If these things are permissible what is the stepmother's role. Is she supposed to go into a state of suspended animation only repeating, 'Wait till your father gets back.' Or is she permitted to speak?

Yes. So she agrees for him to have them when he's there. It's just the time when he wouldn't be there she doesn't want to change - which seems completely reasonable!