New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

I DO have an amicable relationship with my ex.

This is the first post-divorce major argument we have had.

I think I have the right to be peeved as we agreed something THIS Sunday that he has now, presumably after getting it in the ear from his wife, gone back on, on the very first weekend of the new arrangement.

I don't know who wouldn't be pissed?

And everything I have said about his promotions, job choices, total lack of interest in splitting school holidays are true.

Someone can be less than perfect and you can still be amicable with them.

YANBU she sounds like a right cow. I'd just go pick them up

'Desperate' is a very degrading word.

A lot of the time I enjoyed having my stepchildren around, just doing the things that families do. Sometimes the particular time when they were scheduled to go back seemed to break up the flow of the evening for everyone. There'd be a flurry of looking for bags and belongings etc.

I can see that ending their time in our house at the time when the working/school week began might have had advantages.

Ahhh I wish my DP’s Ex was more like you. I get it the other way as in “Well why can’t SM look after the kids if you’re not able to?”
Because I have my own children to contend with and it’s not my responsibility are my thoughts.
Be glad your kids SM wants to, I’m forced to at times

Men don't generally let themselves be controlled by a woman

Don't talk rubbish. I know men who are completely under the thumb, my ex being one...his g/friend dictates every aspect of his life. This was told to me by my ex SIL...NOT because 'it's what I want to hear', because it's the truth. He is so controlled by her that it was impossible to co-parent with him(he had to get her permission when he wanted to see DC). I actually stopped making all the arrangements for him to see DC, sat back and waited for him to make arrangements with me....a year later...still waiting but I hear his g/friend is delighted.

You talking about losing time to the sm makes you sound bitter, entitled and controlling - not suggesting you are, but that’s how it’s coming across

Fucking hell, it's bitter to want to look after your own children rather than have some other person - who's existence in your children's lives you have no control over whatsoever? So even if the woman treats your children appallingly (and it does happen, please don't pretend it doesn't) and your children beg you for help, the expectation is you keep your mouth shut for fear of looking bitter?

OP - you are not wrong. Having said that, it needs to work both ways. Will you give your ex first refusal in caring for his children if you want a night out? Every time?

What do your kids want to do?

I totally and absolutely agree with you op. You have had a hard time on this thread.

I am a grandparent carer and when my gs1's dad wanted his then girlfriend to take him to and collect him from school the court stepped in and said absolutely not. He had made a song and dance about extra contact for himself and his son and in the next breath said he was unavailable. The Judge said that it had to be him. I honestly don't think she wanted to do it either and the court's stance saved face for her.

They did marry but it didn't last. My gs's told me they never liked her and she really could not cope with them and their dad always sided with her. She simply could not cope with the fact he had children with someone else.

Sunday night is your night with your children. How can anyone think you should give this up for someone who is not a parent? Your children need the stability of a definite routine and whilst they are not babies, they are at secondary school stage where it is vital books, pe kits etc are sorted out for Monday.

I think your ex is stuck in the middle of a war of wills here. He is the one threatening your previously amicable relationship, not you. You just don't want to make the changes he wants basically to facilitate his new wife.

Stick to your guns. Tell him they must be returned on Sunday evening. He also needs to be aware that he would have to go through the mediation process prior to any court hearings which would exclude his new wife. Your eldest child in particular would have their views taken into account.

Extra contact time is by agreement between the parties - the parties being you and your ex. You do not agree. End of.

the DC dad would win this if he went to court (barring any welfare issues), and OP would not do herself any favours by having been inflexible. Of this I am certain

Why on earth to people always put drivel like this on these threads.

The bottom line is it could go either way.
The court could be of the mind that the status quo should remain the kids could end up expressing their views.

With shit like this when am established arrangement already exists that’s working nobody but nobody can confidentially say how a court will find and be certain they are correct.

OP I’m in a similar situation. Except now my eldest (15) refuses to go to exDH because of his GF being overbearing.

Let your kids decide.

By the way has anyone got any tips on what to do when you literally have no time to yourself any more??? (Lighthearted)

Your kids both have a say now. Listen to them x

I don’t think anyone is doubting the veracity of what you’ve said OP - I’m certainly not.

I also get that it must be frustrating to have seemingly agreed something and then found that not to be the case.

I appreciate you don’t want to reduce the time you spend with your children.

I agree the SM was out of order wrt the haircut.

However, all that said doesn’t take away the fact that what’s been requested here is reasonable.

You might not like it, but him having the children on a Sunday night and the SM taking them to school is not a huge request.

If you were talking about him having the children for a week in the holidays when he was out of the country I’d absolutely agree with your POV about not having to facilitate time with the SM to your detriment. However doing the school run twice a month I’d not in that league.

Personally I think you ought as a pp suggested say you’ll agree to trial it for 2 months (so 4 Sunday’s) and see how the children get on.

If the children are happy with it after a trial, then great.

If they don’t feel it’s working for them, then you and they can all say you’ve given it your best shot, tried to be flexible but want to go back to the original agreement.

Going to court means everybody spends a great deal of money, parental hostility gets ramped up and the children - plus their relationship with at least one of their parents - will suffer.

It is something which can be resorted to in the event of serious disagreements which impact on children's wellbeing. In terms of minor changes of routine it is a seriously bad idea.

But hey, who cares, as long as somebody 'wins'?

I have no experience of this situation, so it's a bit presumptuous of me to express an opinion, but after thinking long and hard, I hope I would be able to reconcile myself to 2 extra evenings a month for the children at their Dad's, in the expectation that it might also foster a closer relationship with their step Mum if she has a little bit of time with them on their own, for them to be able to get to know each other better. < hopeful >

However, if anyone, even dh, forced their ideas about hair or anything similar on the dc behind my back and against their will, I would be incandescent with rage! How dare she!! For that alone, YANBU!

I think you're getting a hard time here OP.

They would like to stay with dad when he can take them to school the next day. When dad can't they would prefer to come home. They would rather it was me doing it than SM getting them up and to school as she is 'stressy' in their words - this is what the children want, and they are perfectly old enough to make that decision themselves. I assume you and they have told them their wishes. He needs to respect them, no matter what the stepmother wants.

“They would like to stay with dad when he can take them to school the next day. When dad can't they would prefer to come home. They would rather it was me doing it than SM getting them up and to school as she is 'stressy' in their words “

Sorry OP - missed this. In which case you should continue to insist on the arrangements you both agreed.

Mine would be the same.

Are you feeling threatened by the step-mum being in their lives? I think it is nice for you kids to have the Sunday evening now with their dad and the step-mum helping them get ready and go to school in the morning is a far cry from her whisking them off to Disneyland or whatever fun activity. She's basically getting minimally involved in a very mundane activity once a fortnight or less if your ex is around to do it. For the kids sake I would let it go.

Maybe the stepmum can’t have kids. Maybe the kids are saying different things at different houses, especially if people pleasers. Maybe they need to be a bit more independent because they are sounding mollycoddled to me. But I don’t think anyone is really listening to them. They are being taught that they live with a man in one house who can never care for them alone and they live with a woman in another house who also can’t or shouldn’t do things with them alone. It’s strange and dysfunctional and I do wonder what they’re really thinking whilst this drama is playing out.

I dunno, I think your ex-h is like my dp, desperate to keep the peace and not rock the boat with regards seeing the kids. You come across as having full and final say on anything to do with the dc and his views aren't relevant unless they tally with yours.

I suspect he has agreed with you to keep the peace. Having seen your reaction for his request to have the dc for an extra two nights a month I don't blame him. I think he then went home and his wife asked him how things went, he told her that he had caved into you again and she probably said that if he wants those two extra nights he should just tell you that. And he has.

I find the whole set up you have quite bizarre. Your husband seems to have little to no relationship with your dc, you have barely mentioned your own step children and I suspect you have little to do with them and your want your ex-h to have the same weird set up you have where it's all separated into tidy little boxes.

No idea how long you've been with your dh but I can't believe he hasn't ever spent any time with your dc on his own. Not once? Ever? Not a trip out? Xmas shopping? Food shopping? Nothing at all?

Now that is odd. Don't expect your dc's step mum to have the same non relationship with them your dh has.

Monday mornings were the only time I had on my own with my DSD and it was actually really nice. Before me and her dad were together she would have to get up at 6am and be dropped to a neighbour who would take her to school for him. Me moving in meant she got to stay in bed longer, I would drop her at school before taking my DD2 to her school and that time together was really nice. Because her dad had already left for work it all fell to me but I found that the dynamics were different with him out the house and those Monday mornings were when we talked the most.

I don't know why you are so against the step mum spending any time with the dc. You come across as very, very controlling.

I dont see why a rp should be expected to feel grateful that someone they didn't choose wants to co parent their children

I agree. Some of the posters on here are hilarious. In what world is it wrong for a mother to want to spend time with HER OWN children especially when their father is NOT AVAILABLE.

The step-mum can strop and want all she likes, it's nothing to do with her. Her needs DO NOT come before the children, they have already said they would rather go home and be with their mum.

I think you are being unreasonable. If you agree to extra time you agree to extra time, his child care arrangements are nothing to do with you and visa versa.
If you needed your husband to help with the school run, if you were ill perhaps or your circumstances changed, would you run it past your ex first?
I think it is nice that the step mum wants to help out, its not every time after all. My childrens step mum barely says hello and she has been in their life since they were 2 and 5. I would be made up if she took an interest in them.

MycatsaPirate

That's all well and good, your DSDs mother was likely happy with the arrangement you had - OP is not happy with the arrangement and the children don't want it either. Are you suggesting that everyone should just agree so step-mum gets what she wants?

You don't actually want more time with your children, you just don't want their stepmother to. YABU.

his child care arrangements are nothing to do with you and visa versa

Yeah OP back in your box, let step-mum play at being mummy with your kids.
Don't be ridiculous, mum is available and wants to have kids, dad's not available to take kids to school...tough, step-mum will just have to deal with it.

In order to stop this escalating, I would tell him that after thinking about it you should go back to the original contact whereby it always ends at 9 pm on the Sunday.

You say this is the first argument you've had after splitting 5 years ago - is that because up until now you've decided how things are going to be and he's gone along with it? Is your dislike for the SM maybe because she is also strong-willed and it's not just that what you say goes any more? Sounds like your ex has a thing for strong women!