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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
Mollie85 · 15/11/2017 16:29

Hypothetical - If the boot was on the other foot and your ex h said that your new dh wasn’t allowed to spend time alone with the kids (as I think deep down that is the issue here, never mind “reneging on past discussions”) you’d be happy with that?

Honestly?

I hope it all works out, but if you’re prepared to sabotage what has been up to now an amicable co-parenting agreement for the sake of two hours on a Monday morning every fortnight, then you perhaps need to explore your reasons for doing so.

I mean the above with kindness.

freshstart24 · 15/11/2017 16:29

Give some thought to what it will do to the atmosphere at DC's Dad's when SM's offer to take DC to school is refused because she is 'stressy'. How does this help the DC? Or is that not important- is it more important that she is put in her place.....

christmaspudding1 · 15/11/2017 16:30

being a highly suspicious person would the extra night effect his maintenance payments to you

justasking123 · 15/11/2017 16:31

I'm assuming you have not been to court for visitations etc? If that's the case I would make it clear to the father and stepmum that the arrangement you have in place is not changing unless he goes to court!
If you agree to it be prepared for more changes/requests in the future by the stepmum. At the end of the day, you know what's the best for your kids. If the stepmum is so interested in kids she can have her own! Good luck!

freshstart24 · 15/11/2017 16:32

because his wife wants them. I am certain that it is her that is pushing this. Seriously OP you sound ever so bitter about the SM wanting to spend time with DC. I guarantee you that there are healthier ways of approaching this type of stuff. Please do consider them.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 16:32

But they have a relationship with her. They see her every other weekend and one night during the week. And holidays.

I don't see why she should affect my time with them - which is what will happen. They won't get anymore time with Dad - trust me, he will keep booking flights.

Their time is already split between two parents. It shouldn't be divided three ways.

OP posts:
JakeBallardswife · 15/11/2017 16:33

Could it be the reason the SM is pushing for it is because the weekends will seem more settled for the DC and for her if ex DH isn't having to bring the DC back or for the DC to be collected?

sothisisnew · 15/11/2017 16:33

freshstart24 absolutely!

OP you started off saying that you don't think it's right that you should have to give up some of your contact time as they would be spending it with their SM rather than their dad. Now you're claiming that the real issue is that he said one thing and then changed his mind.

Could the real issue be that at first he said something you agreed with, and then he changed his mind to something you disagreed with?...

So what if he changed his mind? Should this mean contact arrangements should never ever change, because at one point you had said something else? Things change. YABU.

robinR · 15/11/2017 16:34

Go with want the kids want.

It's their access, after all

freshstart24 · 15/11/2017 16:34

justasking123 the DC dad would win this if he went to court (barring any welfare issues), and OP would not do herself any favours by having been inflexible. Of this I am certain.

I am also certain that going to court is not the way forward.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 16:35

christmaspudding1 - I think it could?

If they are having time with Dad then fine, but I suspect he will keep his working life the same and fly out Monday mornings while SM does the school run.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 15/11/2017 16:35

YABVU - and looking for ways to justify your unreasonableness!

My DCs Stepmum has been such a brilliant influence in their lives - a real role model. It's been great knowing there is someone in their lives who will look out for them. She was such a support during the turbulent teenage years - and it was wonderful my DCs had two homes they felt equally comfortable in.

I'd grab the offer of Monday overnights with both hands.

lils888 · 15/11/2017 16:36

Your seeing her as a third person and that’s the problem. It’s two households not 4 individuals with separate lives and separate children.

Well, for us it always was.

It’s routine, when dads there he does it, when he’s not she does. That prevents the kids not knowing what’s going on.

I’d also be weary of this going to court, fathers rights are becoming a big thing and I’m pretty sure they would see him and his wife as one parenting unit and You and Your oh as the other unit. You talking about losing time to the sm makes you sound bitter, entitled and controlling - not suggesting you are, but that’s how it’s coming across

robinR · 15/11/2017 16:36

OP it really doesn't matter what anyone else would do. You do what you think is best

PippleBang · 15/11/2017 16:38

I only consider someone a Step parent if they do the day to day parenting, i.e., the children live with that person in their home. So I see you new husband as Step Father but not your ex's new wife
My children would have been horrified if their father's new wife had called herself Step Mum

This is a joke right namechange ?! So assuming a child's main residence is with their mother, stepmums don't exist, only stepdads?!

My DSD spends 4 nights a week with her mum and 3 with her dad, so technically her 'home' is with her mum (although some people can get their heads around the facf that DSD has TWO homes. Shocking). There are plenty of times when DSD is solely in my care and not my husband's. Her mum is fine with that because she's not controlling.

OP she is their stepmum whether you like it or not and you are preventing her from having a role in your children's lives for the sake of an occasional Monday morning. You enjoy getting them up and ready for school on that one morning a fortnight enough to ruin an amicable relationship with your ex? Get a hobby.

I'd also be very pissed off if I was married to someone like your DH who had no interest in co-parenting my child. You seem to think it's fine because he has children from a previous relationship, but it sounds to me like you don't consider you and your DH to have a blended family (just a marriage) and you expect your ex to be the same.

LegallyBrunet · 15/11/2017 16:38

I think you are being unreasonable. I'm a stepmum myself and we have the same arrangement as you-every other weekend, goes back Sunday evening. Whilst my stepson is only three I wouldn't mind doing the school run one morning a fortnight because it would give me a chance to build a better bond with him and would allow his dad another night where he got to put his son to bed. You get this nearly all the time, he only gets this two weekends a month and there are still four other days in the week where you can send your sons out to school and give them breakfast. Also, is it really worth ruining what is an amicable relationship with your ex over?

sothisisnew · 15/11/2017 16:39

Also the maintenance argument is really unhelpful here. If you can assume that the reason he wants to do it is to reduce maintenance, you can equally assume the reason OP wants to keep it is to keep maintenance.

FlowerPot1234 · 15/11/2017 16:39

*HuneyBee74 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:27:07
because his wife wants them. I am certain that it is her that is pushing this.
Whether that's because she is desperate to parent them and be important or whether that is because she wants to reduce maintenance I don't know.

So you honestly believe that your ex asks you for the children to stay past 9pm on a Sunday evening just so their SM can put them straight to bed and make them breakfast in the morning?

Do you think putting other people's children to bed and making them breakfast is so enthralling an experience that she'd do this? That to do this would make her somehow feel "important"? You think she's out to reduce maintenance this way?

Come on OP, listen to yourself here. Smile

bastardkitty · 15/11/2017 16:39

In view of the fact that the DCs will have no extra time with Dad, YANBU. I agree this is probably a strategy to reduce child maintenance. Roughly how old are your children? I have to say I think there are some really ridiculous posts on your thread. I'm sure you don't deserve them at all.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 16:40

freshstart24 - I highly doubt it.

He cannot care for the kids most weeks. He travels. A lot.

SM COULD but are you honestly suggesting a step mum of 5 minutes will be given time with children when their father is out of the country over their own mother?

Step parents have no parental rights.

In law the Court would only be interested in whether ex H can look after the kids. He can't because he will be abroad most of the time.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 15/11/2017 16:40

If he took this to court you could come off badly from this.

It doesn't matter if he's 'at work' etc during his contact time, the stepmum, so long as presenting as no risk will be considered adequate childcare.

LushBlitzer · 15/11/2017 16:42

OP is asserting that the SM is controlling. But reading through all the posts, I think it's not the SM that's coming across as controlling.

It just sounds like the OP doesn't like the SM and looking for excuses to object.

bastardkitty · 15/11/2017 16:42

So you honestly believe that your ex asks you for the children to stay past 9pm on a Sunday evening just so their SM can put them straight to bed and make them breakfast in the morning?

Yes. Because this may well reduce the child maintenance liability. Are you that naive? People do this all the time.

Rachie1973 · 15/11/2017 16:42

HuneyBee74 In law the Court would only be interested in whether ex H can look after the kids. He can't because he will be abroad most of the time.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're mistaken.

So long as she is not a risk she will be considered adequate to look after the children in your ExH's absence.

Alienating your children from the other parent however is very much frowned upon.

Nicknacky · 15/11/2017 16:43

I think the fact you don't have your H spend any time alone with you kids is colouring your view.

That's pretty abnormal in a family and almost like two families sharing a roof.

There is nothing wrong with the SM dropping two (almost) teenage kids at home.

You need to decide what your real issue is.