Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 18:28

Ive googled it youre clearlu bullshitting.

So basically women can do what they like and men should only have one family.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 18:44

Oh and do you want to know how much our payments got reduced when the ex moved her other son back in with her? £1.06 a week. Big bucks. Ill really miss it.
I dont give a shit about her finances and i dont expect her to give a shit about ours.

SarahH12 · 17/11/2017 19:08

Tbh it's tough shit to the RP really isn't it if NRP decides to have another child and quite rightly lowers maintenance. You can't seriously expect NRP's to not have any more DC just because they were unfortunate (or perhaps fortunate in some cases) to no longer be with his first child's mum.

As it happens, we wouldn't lower maintenance for any future DC and both us and Dad's mum are all doing well financially, but if we were in a situation where we didnt have that luxury then his ex would just have to cope.

littlehandcuffs · 17/11/2017 19:09

Hellosquirrels.... Don't know how to link but google Polly Toynbee The Guardian, Why do half absent fathers pay nothing towards their children. This doesn't include those who pay less than CMA minimum, hide assests, claim self employment and no income etc. The decent ones who do pay are very much in the minority.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:12

Absent fathers.... half of ABSENT fathers. That surely isnt half of all nrp fathers

Mayhemmumma · 17/11/2017 19:15

I totally agree with you OP

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:24

And that artical is ridiculous. Only mentions cheating fathers. What a load of old bollocks.

DukesofHazzard · 17/11/2017 19:26

Tbh it's tough shit to the RP really isn't it if NRP decides to have another child and quite rightly lowers maintenance

As it happens, we wouldn't lower maintenance for any future DC and both us and Dad's mum are all doing well financially, but if we were in a situation where we didnt have that luxury then his ex would just have to cope

Fucking hell, not a word about the DCs...Such a selfish attitude.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:28

I think people forget that the nrp doesnt only pay maintenance but houses tge children however many days a week, clothes them, feeds them. Like i said pur payment went down a pound odd a week. What does that matter?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/11/2017 19:31

his ex would just have to cope.

Aren't you lovely?

Ultimately, it would be the children who suffer, so that you and their dad could maintain your 'right' to pop out babies you cannot afford unless at the expense of existing children.

littlehandcuffs · 17/11/2017 19:32

HelloSquirrels, sadly it is all NRP's including women, I have been a step parent and a single parent. It is utterly depressing, take a look at the percentage of children who live in single parent households that live below the poverty line.

Ilovetolurk · 17/11/2017 19:34

hellosquirrels if your payment went down presumably you are assessed by
cms
Any nrp (note nrp) paying cms minimum is deluding themselves if they think they are paying half of their childrens costs

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:35

Its all relative though isnt it. For instance a rp who earns mega bucks probably isnt going to bother asking for £20 a week off their ex.

Im sure they do and yes that is said but can you blame that exclusively on the nrp? No.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:35

We recieve the payment so i suggest you inform dps ex.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/11/2017 19:40

Wouldn't any decent nrp want to pay the fair share of costs towards keeping their children? I'd be embarrassed and ashamed to see my kids go short if I had money. Or to see someone else cover my share.

greendale17 · 17/11/2017 19:42

YANBU!
Why should you give up time to the step mum? What's the point in that?

^I agree

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:42

Well clearly some people dont share yoir view.

Ilovetolurk · 17/11/2017 19:49

It doesn’t matter if you’re paying or receiving cms minimum is a joke

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:50

I dont neccesarily agree with that actually.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 19:51

If ex had to pay us more i expect shed be on the bones of her arse. She wouldnt be able to afford her house, and consequently dss wouldnt be able to stay with her overnight.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/11/2017 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 20:01

Shes hardly a troll shes only expressing her opinion, just like we all are.

Ilovetolurk · 17/11/2017 20:01

Its nice that you take that view but it means that you taking up the slack

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 20:04

Yep it does. Hes my partners son, why wouldnt i? Its not picking uo the slack its caring for the kids who love in my house. Yes maybe the situation could be better but its not and i imagine it wont ever be. I can provide for the kids, so i do. Why would i get pissy about someone elses cash when we can work for our own (and yes i have a 18 month old so i know exactly how hard it can be to work when you have kids)

Ilovetolurk · 17/11/2017 20:10

Maybe if its a practical thing (as you say she is skint) i can see your point more but what about cases where the money is available but the nrp pays bare minimum

Part of parenting is providing for one’s offspring