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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/11/2017 10:14

And even if they do take the kids on holiday, that's just Disney dad shite, while mum gets to pay for school shoes and food!

FunderAnna · 17/11/2017 10:32

What is a man who has children meant to do after the marriage comes to an end?

I think the list goes something like

  • Remain celibate
  • If he doesn't remain celibate, conditions of extreme secrecy must be imposed
  • If he has a secret relationship this proves he is a total tosser who just goes round shagging people randomly
  • Ensure that he has high income job so that no one loses out financially
  • Be there for children as much or more as when he lived in the marital home, so turn down opportunities for career progression
  • Ensure the children are 100% happy and stimulated during every second of the time when they are with him.
  • Maintain discipline and boundaries. Reinforce the mother's opinions on everything.
  • Be completely consistent in terms of when he has the children because they need structure.
  • Be flexible, whenever the mother's needs change

It could be a bit difficult....

CodeineAndCornflakes · 17/11/2017 10:34

Ah, the MN party line. If you’re a step, whatever affects your life is none of your business. Oh, but if you don’t treat SC the exact same as your bio children, you are evil incarnate.

This.^
In fact I'd go as far as to say stepmothers are judged more harshly and to a higher standard than mothers!
If on MN you complain about your DD/DS driving you insane, pushing boundaries, being at the end of your tether with them etc. you'll generally be met with support, understanding and given tips to help weather the storm of adolescence.

If you dare to say your Stepson/Daughter is doing the exact same thing and it's getting to you, the replies are always, "Well you chose a man with children", "Are you sure you're cut out for life with children in it?" or even "Poor kids".

YouTheCat · 17/11/2017 10:36

The kids don't want to be at their dad's if he isn't there and so that should be an end to it. They are old enough to have their say on the matter.

It is nothing to do with the SM.

Hissy · 17/11/2017 10:38

What is a man who has children meant to do after the marriage comes to an end?

Be the best PARENT he can be?

Yes that may involve making MORE of an effort as he will have them solo, but it's hardly rocket science.

Discipline and boundaries ARE part of his remit too. This is an act of love and care. It's AS important as spoiling them rotten on occasion.

I will agree though that some mothers do think they know best and that they do have the last word on everything child related, when actually the word should be equal... (in my view only if HE HAS taken as hands on approach with the kids as has been possible)

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 17/11/2017 10:41

h, the MN party line. If you’re a step, whatever affects your life is none of your business. Oh, but if you don’t treat SC the exact same as your bio children, you are evil incarnate

Bollocks. It's different people with different opinions, there is no party line.
How stupid.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/11/2017 10:46

Funder, since you ask, I'll tell you.

  1. pay proper child support. Not just the measly amount the state specifies, but what it actually costs.
  2. don't reduce payments because you now live with new gf who has a child or you want to have a baby in a new relationship. Existing kids will not suddenly cost less to feed!
  3. don't expect rp to rearrange their lives to suit you. See your dc when you are supposed to.
  4. if rp has a job, please share childcare during school holidays. It isn't fair that rp has to use up all their annual leave while you keep yours.
  5. respect that your new partner is not your dc's parent and do expect your ex to view them as a 3rd parent. They are not. Haircuts etc are not things that step parents should take responsibility for. (Obviously the involvement of step parents depends on the specific relationships and family dynamics, but am thinking of OP's situation mainly).
MadMags · 17/11/2017 11:00

Bollocks. It's different people with different opinions, there is no party line.
How stupid.

Last time I checked, it's not okay to call people stupid. Unfortunately, you can't tell people to fuck off, either.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 17/11/2017 11:35

My personal opinion is that only parents/legal guardians should make decisions/arrangements together when it comes to children nobody else step parents/grandparents etc, in the eyes of the law children are they parents/legal guardians are Responsibility nobody else & so think the parents are responsible to make such choice's together, once you start letting others get involved in such decision's its going to get messy,
But I also think it is important for children to build a good relationship with step parents & should be also thought about when parents are making decisions about dc & their feelings should be considered too but by the parents not by them
But in this instance if dd's mum doesn't want to give up her time with her dd for step mum to have it instead & father has just made decision on his own after they made a agreement togeather he is the one being very unreasonable

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 17/11/2017 11:50

Last time I checked, it's not okay to call people stupid. Unfortunately, you can't tell people to fuck off, either

I didn't call anyone stupid. The point made was stupid. If you, for some reason, attach the label to yourself, that is up to you. I couldn't possibly say.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 12:22

And even if theydotake the kids on holiday, that's just Disney dad shite, while mum gets to pay for school shoes and food!

Sorry but his probably quite substantial maintenance will go towards that.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 12:24

don't expect rp to rearrange their lives to suit you. See your dc when you are supposed to.
4) if rp has a job, please share childcare during school holidays. It isn't fair that rp has to use up all their annual leave while you keep yours

This is all very one sided. What about when the rp dictates it all? Inclduing holidays?

robinR · 17/11/2017 13:07

Whats a nrp supposed to do after divorce`Easy - continue to fully parent his/her kids.

I have friends with 50:50 and both parents have equally and exactly the same input, work juggles, financial arrangements.

It's not impossible.

My ex and I have more like 99:1. Neither does he pay any more than the absolute bottom rung maintenance. Sadly that seems to be MUCH more normal!

SarahH12 · 17/11/2017 13:10

Ahh got to love MN.

Funder your list is so true!

*And even if theydotake the kids on holiday, that's just Disney dad shite, while mum gets to pay for school shoes and food!

Sorry but his probably quite substantial maintenance will go towards that.*

The second line of this is exactly right ^^

Hissy · 17/11/2017 13:17

Sorry but his probably quite substantial maintenance will go towards that.

IF he pays her... often that's the first thing they cut back on

robinR · 17/11/2017 13:17

pmsl at the idea that maintenance pays anything near what kids cost.

I don't know where you've the idea that its "quite substantial". Have I missed something?

SarahH12 · 17/11/2017 13:20

Well if he's got a job with frequent foreign travel he probably paid quite a substantial amount and therefore is paying quite a substantial amount of maintenance. If he didn't have that foreign travel job then the OP would be given a lot less in maintenance.

robinR · 17/11/2017 13:22

Thats a lot of assumptions Sarah

lifeandtheuniverse · 17/11/2017 13:24

I give my EX one years notice of the holidays I have planned.
So far he has managed to take DC on holiday for two one week stints and one two week stint - all on weeks I had booked off 12-18 months in advance.
That is in 5 years. All other summer holidays, easter, half terms and Xmas are covered by childcare, activity weeks etc. Let be honest the £500 per month he pays ( £110K pa) =£6000 per annum.
£140 per week per child for holiday weeks that he should have covered - £1620
Childminder for those weekends I work, which I was prepared to co ordinate with his weekends to have them - ( 8 per year) - £2400
( He has had them for the weekend 4 times in 5 years!)

That leave me £1480 per annum to contribute his 50% to feed, clothe, entertain and care for his children!!!

Oh forgot - I pay a childminder to cover all the hours the slack wanker can not be arsed to do - so I can work so we can afford to live properly.

So what we expect EXes to do his pay their fair share, look after their kids ( not 4 weeks holiday in 5 years, 4 weekends and 21 other days!) not cancel contact at the last minute, not take theirlatest floozy on holiday with her kids and leave his behind, not cancel contact because - someone farted, not cancel contact just because you can not be arsed....Please enjoy your life but remember you had children and you are equally responsible for them and when you do re marry and suddenly have a guilt trip - yes after 5 yrs the rules are mine and the standards are mine and your new wife does not get to waltz in and criticise me, my child rearing skills and your childrens manners. ( which are incidentally impeccable)

OP - he is a weak willed dick! ( we can all recognise when the new partner has him by the balls, is deeply insecure and causing trouble - )

robinR · 17/11/2017 13:36

life I see your 4 weeks holiday in five years and raise you..... never in five years!

One night a fortnight for 2 years, whenever we've organised more than one night he has always pulled out at the last minute.

And guess what I hear from time to time? "My evil ex wife won't let me see my kids as much as I want wahhhhhhhh!!!"

robinR · 17/11/2017 13:39

after 5 yrs the rules are mine and the standards are mine

This definitely.

Another one I get - "You're so controlling!"

Yeah you know why? Because I've done this single handedly from day one whilst you were in the pub or in bed, and you're damn right they're my rules! They've had to be because You. Weren't. Fucking. There

SarahH12 · 17/11/2017 14:05

robinR get over yourself and stop being as controlling as the OP. You. Do. Not. Have. The. Right. To. Control. Your. Ex.

TheNaze73 · 17/11/2017 14:21

Step mum’s get such a hard time on here.

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 15:48

So if hes "cut back" on maintenance op needs to go to the CMS then?

Obviously all nrps cut back on maintenance Hmm

HelloSquirrels · 17/11/2017 15:51

Oh and before you say it im the one receiving the maintenance. So i full well know how far it goes.

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