New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

It may have been requested to facilitate a more peaceful and family environment on the Sunday night instead of rushing to pack and get kids back so maybe they can have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner e.g.

They did this when the dad was able to take them school (or train station? ) and realised they preferred it and thought it's only breakfast and up on Monday if Dad away.

But then I realise they'll have to take their weekend stuff to school so that would be awkward perhaps

So now I've confused myself and agree it's a dilemma

Seriously people.Calm down! No need for assumptions that mums think stepmums are whores. Way, way beyond what is appropriate.

Think what you want about me OP but it doesn't change the fact you're totally UR for moaning about the fact your kids father actually loves them and wants to spend time with them and are actively discouraging relationships with people who give a damn

Sarah I'll type this slow so you get it.

The Dad has not had much in the way of history of prioritising the kids WRT time off and access. He's married again now and has asked to spend Sunday nights with his kids and take them to school on Mondays. OP has said this is fine, the kids have said this is fine.

BUT...

the kids don't want his wife doing the school runs on the Mondays if he is not there.

which is absolutely their prerogative.

This was what was agreed, but the Ex has gone back on this and trying to insist on the kids coming to him, staying and having the wife take them to school when they don't want that.

sothisisnew - wow...

the many clearly present Ms with an axe to grind could not reveal themselves any more clearly if they were wearing 'Death to Disney Dads' tshirts and telling the DC that daddy may have a new girlfriend but don't worry they COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THAT LITTLE WHORE.

^^ hugely offensive!

Right, thanks to all who actually made useful comments. Am coming off this thread - it's descending into total nastiness.

@HuneyBee74 so sorry this thread has become so toxic. Wishing you the best and hope you manage to find a resolution

It was meant to be a comment on how we're so eager to call other biased without noticing our own...

Never mind.

Maybe read it back once before you post next time sothis - just think to yourself "do I sound like a cunt?".

And if you do, don't post it ;)

Sailor-how have you gone through life never having been put in a position where you have had to choose to hurt or spare someone’s feelings?

how did you learn those life skills?

I grew up with both Parents together. Sometimes I had to choose to do something with one rather than the other, or side with one rather than the other over certain matters. I didn’t die. Neither did they. None of us are damaged. It’s part of life.

But I still stand by my question: how else are you meant to determine what a kid wants (at the ages the op’s are) other than by asking them?
And further to that, how much more damaging is it to ask a kid what they want, then ignore the answer because ‘they can’t possibly be giving their honest opinion for fear of upsetting someone’? How does the kid feel if actually he or she had said what they wanted and was then ignored?

But its allowed to make offensive comments about step mums.... right

Evening all, some of the comments on this thread has been really beyond the pale. We're here to make parents- all types of parents'- lives easier. We know this is AIBU and some responses may be a little more robust than usual, but that's no excuse for breaking our Talk Guidelines. We can see the OP is finished with the thread, and we're glad she's gotten some of the support she was looking for. Please bear our Talk Guidelines in mind when posting, thanks

I find this thread very sad.

It’s no wonder so many blended families struggle to find the correct “balance” that works for everyone (most importantly the children - by which I mean all the children, including half siblings) when so many people seem to have very polarised (and dare I say derogatory) views towards step parents.

I fully appreciate that some step parents are bloody difficult, overly instructive or even indifferent.

However there are many step parents (like myself) who genuinely are trying to do their very best every single day. We don’t always get it right - I’m damn sure I’ve made mistakes over the last 10 years but they are on a par with the parenting mistakes I’ve also made and in all cases I’ve tried to learn from them.

I feel very lucky that my DSD’s mother has always been receptive to discussion, flexible and open minded - as has DH in return.

I feel very privileged to have DSD in my life and having been part of the “team” that’s helped her become the lovely, grounded and talented young women she is today.

In turn she’s had 3 adults in her life who love, support and care for her unconditionally. I know without a shadow of a doubt her being in my life has enhanced it and equally so has me being in hers (not because I have a large ego or are deluded, but because she’s told me, her DH and paternal grandparents so).

We do spend time alone, without DH. Shopping trips, visits to the cinema to watch movies DH/DS don’t want to see and oh yes - many, many school runs and even visits to the hairdressers .

That said, I’m under no illusions. I’m not her mum. I don’t want or try to be. She has a great mum and we both have worked hard along with DH to navigate the boundaries/nature of these relationships and contact - but these have inevitably changed over time as DSD has grown older - as has the circumstances of her mum, DH and I and everyone has worked hard to maintain a positive relationship, based on give and take.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that nothing is quite as black and white as many posters on this thread seem to think it is, nor should current arrangements always be the default as situations change.

If he wants more time with his kids maybe he can stop using up his holiday time with just his wife and spend some of it with his DC.

^..^...^^
Totally agree. This seems to be more about stepmum wanting to spend a little time with them on her own play mum ... perhaps in a bid to build a relationship with them ... as opposed to dad wanting to spend time with the DC.

he took a job that means a lot of foreign travel ... so how much time does he really want to spend with them?

My brother is divorced and even when he got a brilliant job offer abroad.. he didn't take it because of the DC .. he thought the divorce and split was hard enough on them without him being away.

I haven't read all the posts.
Just though I would say I agree 100% with you op.
You are the children's mother and he is their father.
Dad is taking time away from you to please wife.
I would say to him is causing too much animosity so the weekend finishes on Sunday so you can drop the kids off then.
Not idea why you are getting so much hate when the everyone loves are being rearranged to suits the needs of one person ( ie stepmum)

And as for decisions about the children it is between you and ex no one else.

he took a job that means a lot of foreign travel ... so how much time does he really want to spend with them?

^^ don't be so stupid! Plenty of married men with DC from not separated parents take jobs that involve a lot of foreign travel. Most professional positions in my industry require foreign travel. Are you really suggesting the second any of us have/ had DC we should find a different job in another industry?

Are you really suggesting the second any of us have/ had DC we should find a different job in another industry

Of course you should if your job isn't compatible with caring for your kids. I did. Still work full time, but with more flexibility. I still used childcare etc and I'm not suggesting that anyone stays at home - but if my job involved a lot of foreign travel, then suddenly I got divorced and couldn't see my kids, of course I'd get another job.

Its a no brainer.

There really are some poisonous people on this thread. Vile to the bone.

^^ don't be so stupid! Plenty of married men with DC from not separated parents take jobs that involve a lot of foreign travel. Most professional positions in my industry require foreign travel. Are you really suggesting the second any of us have/ had DC we should find a different job in another industry

Almost willing to be that most WOMEN with DC, coupled or not, do exactly that. Why shouldn't men?

I imagine that in the case of an acrimonious split, ex-husbands cannot win. If they take work that is less well-paid, where there is some flexibility re hours but opportunities for advancement are limited - then their former partners may feel there are disadvantages in terms of maintenance. There's going to be less of it.

Higher paid work will mean the children are likely to enjoy a better standard of living - more treats and holidays with their Dad, as well as a more comfortable life in the maternal home. But less actual hands-on, day to day contact with their father.

Essentially it's the same trade-off that happens within those marriages, where it's been agreed that the father will be the major earner - except the couple are no longer together.

Arguably it can be a good thing when one or both of the separated couple forms a new lasting relationship. Young children aren't going to be shuttled about to various formal and informal childcare settings so much because their Mum and/or Dad are at work and can't look after them. They can continue to be at home and see their mates, and their step-parents will look after them.

I find it sad that there is so much hostility towards step-parents. Like parents they aren't perfect, and will get things wrong - particularly during periods of change and adjustment. But when mothers describe their husbands' new partners as 'randoms' and 'playmums', it just seems very bitter.

I don't think the ex h job is benefitting the OP very much - yes, higher income might mean more child support but for so many people the amount the exh pays is nowhere near what it actually costs to support the children. So the mum ends up often doing all the child rearing and paying the bills! Sadly in a lot of cases, higher wages seem to benefit the nrp primarily who is still facilitated by the support of rp and new wife who take on responsibility for childcare. If the OP wants to look after her own dc and not pass that on to some other woman, I'd say that is her prerogative.

A lot of step parents are fab, but it would go a long way towards improving relations with the actual parent, if they didn't assume they have parental rights to decide things like haircuts or interfere in long standing access arrangements, that everyone was happy with.
If exh had a problem with it, he has had plently of time to say so. He hasn't, so this is coming from his new wife who is playing at being mum to the OP's children. No wonder the OP is irritated - she chose to parent with her ex, not his wife.

I think the problem is that it doesn’t make sense for SM to have them. And the dc don’t want that (possibly influenced by OP’s more than clear opinions!)

But it kind of reads like OP doesn’t want it because she’s being a bit controlling.

If she had posted “my dc are upset about the prospect of this, what should I do?” I think the thread would have gone differently.

A lot of step parents are fab, but it would go a long way towards improving relations with the actual parent, if they didn't assume they have parental rights to decide things like haircuts or interfere in long standing access arrangements, that everyone was happy with.

Ah, the MN party line. If you’re a step, whatever affects your life is none of your business. Oh, but if you don’t treat SC the exact same as your bio children, you are evil incarnate.

The children's haircuts doesn't affect the step mother's life though, does it? Nor does the access arrangement. OP has already said that she would be happy for the dc to stay over if their dad was there to look after them.

Higher paid work will mean the children are likely to enjoy a better standard of living - more treats and holidays with their Dad, as well as a more comfortable life in the maternal home

Hahahahahaah

Mostly no.

A drive by on MN Will show you that men who have the mega jobs/salaries DONT necessarily pay the going rate or sometimes even anything at all, and in this case the Dad chooses to spend his leave with his wife and not his kids.