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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 16/11/2017 12:52

I think some posters need to actually read the whole thread.

Why on earth would they do that??

Would spoil the chance of attacking the OP about points they have either not read, ignored or that don't fit their personal agenda.

SonicBoomBoom · 16/11/2017 13:07

Christ Almighty.

OP, your DC's paternal grandma wants to spend more time with them now too. She doesn't want to spend time with them AND their dad. Just time on her own.

Be a doll and give her a few extra days a month of your time with your DC so that your ex doesn't have to share his time.

(FFS, can some people really not see how ridiculous this is?)

sailorcherries · 16/11/2017 13:12

But Sonic it's not the same. Dad wants Sunday night and can do some of the school runs on Monday morning, when he can't SM will.
OP doesn't want SM doing school run, only a biological parent can do that no one else.

That is ridiculous.

stormnigel · 16/11/2017 13:20

I think new names point is valid actually. It would naturally be totally unacceptable if she called her ex and said can you bring the kids back early because my h wants to see them (but I won’t be there). It’s the same.

Hissy · 16/11/2017 13:27

They aren't happy with her doing Monday mornings. End of.

That's the key here. let them be heard.

YANBU

robinR · 16/11/2017 13:32

OP doesn't want SM doing school run

Are you blind? THE KIDS DONT WANT SM TO DO THE SCHOOL RUN

Original poster

HuneyBee74 · 16/11/2017 13:36

robinR - I would ignore sailor - she is getting kicks from being goady.

OP posts:

robinR · 16/11/2017 13:41

True - sorry to derail!

HelloSquirrels · 16/11/2017 13:45

I'm not sure the ex did want his kids more. I think the step-mum did. Weird otherwise that he'd suddenly want the arrangement to change now and not in the previous years he's been sharing custody of his children?

Or, you know hes not got someone backing him and and hes grown the balls to stand up to op? A lot of men agree for an easy life when they're on their own.

Also the children not wanting to spend time with the step mum sounds a lot like the children just saying that to please op been there done that

sailorcherries · 16/11/2017 13:50

The OP says her kids don't and that they are people pleaser. The OPs dislike of the SM is hardly hard to see.
I fully believe an 11 and 13 year old will be clued up enough to not upset mum.

I find it hard to believe all of the drip feeds because they are only brought out when people say the OP is unreasonable.
Aibu - yes - oh but but but - yes you are still bu - but more!

It was the SM who decided off her own back to cut the child's hair? What if his father agreed to let her take him for a cut?
The SM is stressy in the mornings and controlling. The same phrases many of the OPs mutual friends use (stressy and controlling).

The OP seems to constantly be trying to make the SM out to be a bitch. The OP has a problem with the SM.

Hissy · 16/11/2017 13:51

The trouble is, the elephant in the room is that the kids don't want SM to run them to school but are OK with their dad doing it.

As it stands, for the Ex to accept this he has to 'allow' the rejection of his wife.

The best thing is for OP to calmly communicate that the kids would prefer to stay with their mum on Sunday nights unless their dad can take them to school on the Monday. As agreed.

That this business of them not wanting his wife to take them to school may in time change, but forcing the issue and not listening to them it is likely to be met with the kids putting their feet down and refusing to go at all. they need time to adjust to the whole situation. His wife needs to play a longer game and it will all come OK in the end.

If the kids feel they have more control over their time, they will probably relax, and hopefully so will the Ex wife.

stormnigel · 16/11/2017 13:53

Which is also a choice in itself that they are making...they aren’t babies, they aren’t stupid and they will have worked out that they can’t please everyone here. So they either have picked the person they least want to hurt, and gone that way,
(Because You can’t please everyone in life-sometimes you do have to make a choice)...
Or else you know, they’d actually rather be with their Mum than ‘stressy’ step mum without their dad even there and have actually just said so...why do people always assume the kids aren’t saying what they feel? What better way to sort this then to ask them and just accept their answer either way then?

sailorcherries · 16/11/2017 13:54

Or the parent doesn't ask the child on a one-to-one basis whereby the child will always try to please the parent.

It's so damaging to a child to place them in a situation whereby they have to spare someones feelings.

robinR · 16/11/2017 14:01

Is it fuck damaging.

It's life

SandyY2K · 16/11/2017 14:08

I find it hard to believe all of the drip feeds because they are only brought out when people say the OP is unreasonable

She could hardly write every minute detail in the first post could she.

I see the dripfeed comment do often..but a super long opening post is off putting.

Some women think as soon as they become step mums they have equal parental responsibility, instead of sitting back..especially when the mother is very much around.

SarahH12 · 16/11/2017 14:13

would everyone on this thread who says OP isBU be ok with OP sending her ex a text saying he couldn't pick kids up on a Friday evening any more as her new husband wanted to spend some time with them so ex now could pick them up on Saturday morning instead?

That's totally different and completely incomparable. There's a huge difference between asking for an extra 2 nights a month when you only have 4 already, to asking for 2 nights a month when you already have 26! Why are people focusing so much on SM when all she is doing is being caring enough to facilitate her husband seeing his DC more. Why can people not understand that. .

Dad's and stepmums can't win. I stand by my golden uterus syndrome comment. OP get off your fucking high horse, appreciate the fact your kids dad and stepmum love them enough to want to spend more time with them and stop treating them like pawns.

Original poster

HuneyBee74 · 16/11/2017 14:15

sarah - you're a peach.

OP posts:

sailorcherries · 16/11/2017 14:16

Sandy but she could write about her kids not wanting to go and all the other supposed issues in the first post. Instead her opening post is about her not wanting to give up her time because her time is more important and they are her kids.

The drip feed is intended to add weight to her refusal. Surely if the issue was with her kids not wanting to go then that would be her main focus?

SarahH12 · 16/11/2017 14:17

Think what you want about me OP but it doesn't change the fact you're totally UR for moaning about the fact your kids father actually loves them and wants to spend time with them and are actively discouraging relationships with people who give a damn.

robinR · 16/11/2017 14:18

How does he want to spend time with them? He won't fucking be there!!

Hissy · 16/11/2017 14:20

Why are people focusing so much on SM when all she is doing is being caring enough to facilitate her husband seeing his DC more. Why can people not understand that

I can. I read the thread.

the father ISN'T going to be there - this is the issue... When he's there, even the OP has no problem, the Kids have no issue, its just when he's NOT there that they don't want to stay and have the wife do the school runs.

Why can people YOU not understand that?

Original poster

HuneyBee74 · 16/11/2017 14:21

sarah

How does he want to spend time with them? He won't fucking be there!!

^^ this.

If he wants more time with his kids maybe he can stop using up his holiday time with just his wife and spend some of it with his DC.

OP posts:

robinR · 16/11/2017 14:22

There are some fucking nincompoops on this thread

Hissy · 16/11/2017 14:22

It's so damaging to a child to place them in a situation whereby they have to spare someones feelings.

I agree. it is damaging to ask kids to try to please everyone, to put them in the middle. However it's also important to make sure they are heard and have an input

Primamadonna · 16/11/2017 14:27

YANBU
Dear God OP, I'm exhausted reading all this nasty shite.
Must be SM day off

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