New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

Children are not possessions

^^ this with bells on it!!

With DC of this age Sunday night time allows more interaction and 'proper time' than Monday morning time.

Their Dad would like to see them Sunday evening, this should trump Monday morning time. Sunday evening will allow a more complete settled day.

You shouldn't deny him this so that you can have Monday morning with them as it's not the same quality time and you already have them the majority of mornings.

No they're not possessions. Neither are they dolls that you can pick up and put down when it suits.

waterrat so her loves means that the 1-2 hours every other Monday mornibg trumps his love and the extra time on a Sunday (as when they aren't packing ans travelling then there is extra time)?

I agree that the DC actual parents take priority. However their partners are part of the team.

Posters who think that the SM should have zero input are promoting a very one sided team at the DC dad's house. Yes the Dad should have overall say in things, but surely a team effort where the SM is allowed a minor input is more heathy.

Encouraging EXH and DC to allow the SM zero input will create a stilted, one sided team at that house. Surely for the sake of the DC allowing her a little input would be much more healthy.

I have a mental image of the OP wanting the SM pushed to the sidelines, creating a fractured family atmosphere at Dad's house. All this to assert her authority as primary parent. To the detriment of the children.

I haven't seen anyone saying the SM should have zero input. Obviously she has input when it's ex's contact time.

No issue with that

robin the Ex wanted his kids more and arranged this time and childcare accordingly, as he saw fit. The OP is the one trying to dictate the childcare in this contact time.

I'm not sure the ex did want his kids more. I think the step-mum did. Weird otherwise that he'd suddenly want the arrangement to change now and not in the previous years he's been sharing custody of his children?

Stepaway someone else mentioned that the ex sounded like a people pleaser, he went with what the ex wanted because it was easier (and so it seems on here).

Personally I would ask your children but no pressure on them , if they like there step mum then maybe that would be a nice idea to stay at dads Sunday night but if they feel unfomortable or unsure then keep them with you on Sunday night instead

No she isn't Sailor.

I haven't seen the OP saying anything about what happens on his contact time.

She's saying there's no point him asking for more contact time if he's not there

She has asked the kids. They don't want to go.

Is it so hard to RTFT?

OP - totally get you and a load of bitter SMs lambasting you.

The issue is you agreed something with him - correct.
You agreed to less contact time for you - fine, mutually agreed.
You agreed HE would have more time with the DCs - mutually agreed, not their stepmother

He has gone home, new partner interfered, he has been weak willed and given in because now it is his contact time and he can do what he wants.

Would be pissed off aswell, he lied and went back on a contract- quite simply, influenced by an external force. Before long we would hear on the SM forum that the EX expects me to take them to school on a Monday when DP away and this is not right.

Sadly, you are screwed because your EX is still controlling your life, unless your DCs say something which is not fair on them to stick them in the middle.

As usual a solid co parenting relationship breaks down because of some insecure new individual - oh and why should you give up your time so she can build a relationship with them - as always the mother has to help facilitate the father and his new partner have a relationship with his DCs. Why???

robin they can go as long as he does the school run, no one else.
So he doesn't get the extra time on Sunday night because she doesn't want the SM doing the school run.

The SM can build her relationship with the kids (and presumably does) when they are visiting their father in their own contact time.

I doubt the OP would have any issue with her taking the kids alone to the park, the shops or anything else.

This isn't about the OP wanting to limit the SM's time to build a relationship with the kids. If the ex and the SM agreed to take holidays with the kids, instead of only alone, they'd have loads of bonding time.

He agreed not to have the extra time.

That's the agreement.

He's now trying to go back on that agreement and OP is not willing to change that because he's away with work anyway.

Makes perfect sense to me

sailor the KIDS don't want the extra time.

Why are you finding that hard to understand?

Yes totally agree lifeandtheuniverse...
And I am
Also yet to understand why it must always been the mum who is called on to ‘be the bigger person’, ‘facilitate the fathers contact’, ‘ do something she doesn’t want to to make everyone’s life easier’. why is never the dad? (In 99% of cases) I just don’t get it.

OP haven't you posted before about this SM being very moody and your DD missing activity once, crying over it and even ending up apologising to the SM for crying?
If you have then I can totally understand why DC refer to her as stressy and do not really see any reason for them to stay overnight for her to do the school run.

On a different note I am not sure why you needed to quit your job over 8 week holiday for almost teens? Couldn't you arrange some childcare, some clubs for them for half days and have them home alone for the other half? They are not babies anymore...

Dear God. THE KIDS DON'T WANT STEPMUM TAKING THEM TO SCHOOL WHEN DAD ISN'T THERE!! Just for those who can't accept that.

OP YANBU, when I read the OP I thought it wouldn't kill you to just agree to it but on thinking (and reading your further posts) I think I would say no to it too. If stepmum wants more time with the kids then their Dad can facilitate it during the weekends they are there but as you both happily agreed on this situation then you should stick with it. If he's there, great, they stay (if they want to) and if he isn't and the kids want to come home then they come home.

It's a Sunday evening now, next it'll be her changing the long term arrangements to suit her lifestyle.

And you are getting nowhere on this thread as some people just want to make you out to be a monster when in reality you just want your ex to stick to the agreement he made already.

Out of interest.....would everyone on this thread who says OP isBU be ok with OP sending her ex a text saying he couldn't pick kids up on a Friday evening any more as her new husband wanted to spend some time with them so ex now could pick them up on Saturday morning instead?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

YANBU in my opinion.

I would be picking my child up from him if he didn't bring them back.

Newname given that the ex gets EOW and 1 night in between, so 6 nights a month and the OP gets around 24/25, they are entirely different situations as the Friday night would change from the ex having 6 nights to him having 2, as his other night as a Friday.

This change means the ex gets 8 nights and the OP gets 22/23.

What’s the point of totting it up? It’s not even nearly equitable any which way you slice it - OP has been left with a far greater responsibility.