New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

This is a really interesting thread .....
I'm a step mum, my husband works overseas often.
I often do the school run
Will have time alone with my SS if DH is away or at football during our weekends.
I have taken SS to get a hair cut, in fact we always do (sometimes it comes back shorter than planned but it does grow back)
I've bought all of SS's birthday gifts this year, DH has been busy and I've had time at work to quickly source things
I'm making SS's birthday cake - his mum asked me to.
Is that considered pushy or trying to work as a family ?

They have had holidays with the kids - no stress from my side.

They just go away far more on their own and I am stumped trying to juggle work and kids.

We have always sorted things amicably ourselves.

Another explanation could be, that he just prefers to go along with the women in his life. When that was you, even after you left, you got the benefit, because it seemed that you had discussed and come to an agreement. Now, he is just going along with his wife's opinions. This is more plausible than the alternative, that he has changed and is only now pandering to his new wife.

Not sure how this helps you, except to appreciate what has prompted the difference. Instead of focusing on the SM, focus on why he no longer just agrees with you.

For me this post is rife with perfect examples of why split parents should get contact sorted out in court from the beginning. All the posters saying the OP should 'go with her gut' and 'do what is right for the children' are basically saying she has the right to decide.

The NRP here will always be at the mercy of the RP and what she decides to give them from 'her' time with the children. News just in: sometimes parents get it wrong, especially if their judgement is clouded by visions of a 'scheming', 'controlling' SM.

If the thread here had been entitled and described as 'My ex wants more contact but my children don't want it' I'd have been sympathetic, but it's oddly centred around the SM and what she might have said or who she might be. It's transparent, and it's sad.

Why should he organise different work when he is fully capable of organising childcare when he is working?

Mother works and uses childcare form before/after school and that's okay.
Father works and may need childcare for some of the school mornings and that isn't okay. That means he isn't spending more time with his children despite having an extra night.
Not all parents can do the school run but it doesn't make them any less a parent or mean their children shouldn't be there.

OP would you have been happy to have the children fly off for 3.5 weeks holiday with him and the step mum?
Or is he only to use annual leave to provide childcare whilst you work? Why can't he sort childcare between him and his wife during his contact and you and your husband sort it during your contact. You have imposed this 'only parents can look after them' nonsense when there are 4 adults who are capable.

You have made these arrangements of EOW and then get pissy when he then uses his annual leave to go away when it isn't his contact time. Surely him having them Sunday night on to Monday would mean Monday childcare is covered during holidays? Or is it only covered if he is there?

You have drip fed so much this entire thread to try and prove your point.

Actually sailor when he went away for 3 1/2 weeks he missed 2 weekends and 3 overnights with his kids.
He doesn't arrange his annual leave around when he doesn't have the kids.

He decides he wants to go somewhere, books it and tells me when it's a done deal and I pick up the slack. As always.

Well have a more shared residency and he can't. You can't have it all ways.

He has the audacity to book a holiday that lasts more than a week and misses contact but isn't allowed to increase his overnights by 2 nights a month as he may not be there.
Have you ever taken the children away for over two weeks and impacted his contact or indeed told him you have a holiday for you and DH and he needs to take them?

You cannot get pissy about losing time with the kids and then get pissy about having more when he is on holiday.

It's also very telling you ignored most of my post.
Either continue as you are with people telling you that you are being unreasonable or get a formally, legally arranged contact order which includes things like holidays and stops you deciding who does the school run.

homes full of relationships

Not so far flower pot. Just their dad and their step mum. This is a woman who thinks it's her place to override the RP and get the kids hair cut. Even in foster care situations the foster carers must get express permission from the biological parent /s to cut the foster child's hair. It's a big deal to cut someone's hair, particularly a child's.

Ops hackles are up bcs the SM (or, more accurately, their dad's wife) is throwing her weight around re her nonexistent parenting role. She is assuming a parental role, with all the automatic rights of that, when the parental roles are filled.

Sadly for her, her role is to take a back seat. Hard on the ego but there we are. If both parents want her to have an increased role (eg the pp who bakes her SS's birthday cake at the express request of his biological mum) then great. If the kids want her to have an increased role then definitely. But not otherwise.

This woman is seriously overstepping boundaries, assuming a role that just isn't hers and isn't up for grabs.

Are you serious?

I have reiterated that most weeks he is out of the country Mon-Fri.

He can't do 'shared residency'. His wife works FT. I work PT and around the kids. It is hardly in the kids interests to be collected from school by a childminder and taken to their fathers house to wait for new SM to get home when their dad is abroad.

You are deliberately goady.

And yes, if he took the kids away for 3.5 weeks in the summer holidays, when he is able to, i would miss them but they are off for 8 weeks in the summer so that would be a massive help.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable. They are your and your ex-husbands children, not the step-mum's. Presumably she is there all weekend and on the weekday evening? They can all bond then. There's no need for her to spend time with them alone. Shared custody is between you and your ex, not any new woman who rocks up in his life. If they're not with you, they're with him and vice versa. Stand your ground.

Jeez is this still going.

Last night I said you were totally BU.

This morning I think in terms of the arrangement you are actually not BU. The kids are older and can decide, whether that’s influenced by the mum or not they still have said no. Changing it at this age is silly, they aren’t cute little 5 year olds who need a bed time story and for Mary poppies to sing them to school so I can’t see why the dad, who won’t always be there, is so keen for it. Especially as he seems like he doesn’t take up any other extra offers of contact.

BUT you are totally BU in the way you made this all about the SM. There was no need to put her as the cause of this problem. No need to mention her being controlling, stressy etc. That’s why people are hating on you. Yes she may be driving this but it’s still between you and exh.

If he can’t give a good reason as to why this extra night will benefit the kids (which I can’t see how it will) then it shouldn’t change

op I'd like to suggest a psychological angle.

The stepmum wants to have kids of her own, and has noticed that her DH doesn't see his kids very frequently (I know it works for you all, but it can't be described as terribly frequent I think). I presume he is not overly bothered by this, but perhaps she is; I suspect she's worrying that he will be equally blade about how much time he spends with their hypothetical future children. Therefore, she's trying to improve the status quo (in terms of hours spent with DC in his home) in hopes that her future hypothetical kids will benefit too.

It sounds a little far-fetched but you see stepmums on here all the time saying, a tad plaintively, "How can I make him want to see his children more? I'm pregnant btw". There could be that sort of backstory at play here.

This doesn't mean you should give in; on the contrary, I'd worry that she will push it further once she realises he still doesn't seem to care if he sees them or not

Equally blade? Blase!

Do you ever leave the kids with your dh? For an hour, overnight, in the morning?

If you do, yabu. By your logic anytime you can’t look after the kids you should be offering the time to their dad.

If the kids are older it is their decision.

TBH I think it's a good idea you have everyday to take the kids to school surely one day a fortnight isn't that bad.
Have a lie in go to the gym enjoy the wknd break... It seems u disregard her but she is actually your kids step mum she is making an effort this is a way of bonding with the kids and forming their own bond. I think it's a good idea. Seems ur husband wants it also. Why don't you ask the kids and go off their opinion

OP, I well understand why you’re upset but Can I ask why this is only coming up now they’re married?

I think she wants children and is trying to show him that she CAN be a good mother. She wants him to see her in a maternal, nurturing role. It is a bit like me dragging my then boyfriend along babysitting with me to show him what a good mother I would make when I wanted him to make more of a commitment. She has the marriage she now wants a child. He is probably giving in to her demands because he doesn't want another child and wants her to be content with HIS children.

I think YANBU and you're doing great HuneyBee74.
For him to change the agreement without good reason is BU.

My only thought is - for 1 morning/1 night per fortnight, is it worth the argument? .... BUT your ExH and the SM think it is worth the argument.

Choose your arguments carefully ... and if you give in once does it set a precedence? Do you think your ExH (controlled by SM) are more likely to take the piss with other arrangements if you give in this time?

TBH, I don't know what you should do but I think you're getting a lot of unnecessary grief from PP

I'm a step mum.
IMO YANBU
The children are in a settled routine.
They would not get any extra time with their dad because of his work demands.
This is for the benefit of the step mum only which is very unreasonable.
The best interests of the children are the important thing.

I think she wants children and is trying to show him that she CAN be a good mother. She wants him to see her in a maternal, nurturing role. It is a bit like me dragging my then boyfriend along babysitting with me to show him what a good mother I would make when I wanted him to make more of a commitment. She has the marriage she now wants a child. He is probably giving in to her demands because he doesn't want another child and wants her to be content with HIS children

Hell of a lot of projections and assumptions here! Maybe they both like having the DCs around and would like a complete weekend with them?

I think if you get aggro this could backfire and you get a 50:50 demand!

Would the court rock an established status quo?

I don't think this is worth making a huge fuss over and creating so many arguments.

OP you need to get over yourself and accept the reality that courts do give father's more access and it matters not that he'd be flying some Mondays as stepmum is classed as a suitable person to look after them during their time at their dad and stepmum's house.

This is one of those situations where genuinely several people may be being reasonable and there is still no answer. It might be better OP to accept that - I think in the long run the wishes of the children are very important but perhaps not the only factor.

I can understand why a step parent would want to build a good relationship - by stepping in sometimes so that contact time can continue rather than the children immediately defaulting back to the other parent. She isn't a girlfriend - she is a new significant person in their lives.

However, as a mother I would find it bonkers to lose time with my children - when that time is so precious - to someone who is not the parent.

rather than talking rationally it is better to accept this is an emotional feeling - tell your ex you love your kids and want every minute with them that you can- don't refer back to holidays etc that he hans't helped out with - just be honest and tell them that you would support him to build a relationship with them at other times.

Children are not possessions