New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

Wow you are stubborn. Looks like you’ve met your match though. Sorry but I think you need to accept this.

For what’s its worth I’d hate to be the step mum to kids with a mum like you. She’ll never be able to do any right. Let’s hope you never need her help.

Yabu and you sound like the controlling one

I had 3 stepmothers none of them were particularly interested in me. They all had there own children and would always prefer there own DD. Which I can understand. They only would help out to please my Father . And sometimes they were very stressy and it was like walking on eggshells and I grew up a people pleaser. I would let your ex know if your DD is not keen to spend the weekend at the moment.

And I do think that if things carry on DD will vote with her feet eventually and refuse to go

If you dont think thats because of your influence youre kidding yourself.

If you get taken to court i seriously think youll be in for a shock. EOW and one night in the week is crap.

Youre crying about losing two hours every two weeks on the school run, how do you think their dad feels seeing them every other weekend?

Op I agree with you! If I would be there to pick them up Sunday night. I don't care if I get flamed, it's my opinion- id hate the thought of my kids having a step mum- in their mum! No way would I be losing time with them when dad wasn't there!

Squirrels

You've missed the bit then that says he doesn't bother with the children during school holidays? You know, when childcare is an issue and needs organising? Wonder how step mum will feel about covering that?

As for court, why would he do that when he has no holidays to deal with?

How do I think their Dad feels?

Well I can't imagine it's wonderful being he away from your kids.

But read the thread. He CANNOT have them more during the week because he is out of the country on business.

This is a job he took after we were separated.

When he IS around and wants the kids ad hoc I ALWAYS say yes because it is a chance for HIM to spend time with the kids.

He really really could spend half the holidays with them, but he spends a tiny bit of his 5 weeks holiday time with the kids.

He spent 3 1/2 weeks last year with his wife in South American though so didn't have a huge amount of time left over.

I would never leave my kids with my dp for longer than the odd hour or two here and there. There are no issues with my dp, the girls get on with him. But I feel it would be hurtful to their Dad. (Who incidentally Has hurt me immeasurably but Even then I can appreciate the sensitive nature of the situation).
So for example I have an unavoidable thing to do on ‘my’ time with them coming up. They could stay at home with dp whilst I’m out all day.But I have asked exh if he can swap days so he can have them.i don’t think it fair for the kids to be spending time with my dp that they could be having with their Dad who is still the most important adult to them other than me.( in fact he can’t swap but I have still arranged for the kids to go to their friends for sleepovers as I dont feel exh would be comfortable with dp looking after them-again no reason for him to feel that way other than emotional reasons which I fully appreciate because I wouldn’t like it the other way around either).

Dp is fine with this as he knows that their relationship with their dad is paramount and he sees them the rest of the time they are with me anyway.
I would expect the same back. I wouldn’t be happy to lose contact time so that my exh’s girlfriend can have my kids. My time with them is important to me, and to them. I’m not sure why a new wife or girlfriend spending time with them is more important?
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. You have agreed that when he is here for the School run he gets the extra night.

What’s required here from your ex and his new wife is some sensitivity. And some acceptance that you and he are the priority in terms of who parents the kids. New partners come second in that relationship. That’s just the way it is. (As long as the two parents are both functional and care for the kids appropriately obvs)

I also wonder about posters saying ‘why are you risking an amicable relationship with their dad over this?’ To flip it around, ‘why is he risking an amicable relationship with the op over this?’

Where you are being unreasonable is in listening to gossip about your ex and his relationship with his wife. It doesn’t matter. It’s nothing to you. And it shouldn’t inform your opinion of your ex’s motivations or reasons for his behaviour. That is what it is and you must take it as you find and deal with it accordingly.
The hair cut thing on the other hand is not acceptable.

Yanbu op I would be at there house to pick my children up if they didn't bring them back.

It is unfortunate that he has to work for a living. Maybe it would be better if he was unemployed?

My kids live with me and i can guarentee you theyll be in childcare most holidays because i also have a job and cannot just have endless weeks off for school holidays!

How about you offer him another day you know he can have them, because offering him time you know he cant have is pointless

OP i understand exactly what your ex is like.

My ex could also spend FAR more time with the kids than he does. If their own decisions result in time away from their kids then that’s their choice. Evidently he has no issues requiring you to pick up the slack.

Allowing extra time with the kids (around his —selfish— decisions) is good - bending over backwards to accommodate them well no, I wouldn’t do that

He CAN have 5 weeks worth of holidays.

He chooses not too.

Childcare in the holidays has always been a total nightmare for me. There are no relatives close by on either side.

I had to quit a job I liked just before the summer holiday as I couldn't leave my kids for 8 weeks.

There really isn't a regular day during the week he CAN have them more. When he is about more (rarely) he can always have the kids if he wants.

He definitely, definitely can have half the holidays. He doesn't. This summer he has them for 6 days (spread over 3 weeks! Big help!) out of 8 weeks. He did however, take wife away in September.

Oh god I hear you!

I had to get a new job once I was on my own cos guess what! I have kids and fuck all help so I have to tailor my hours around my kids.

Ex has every priority in the world except his kids - no spare hours to spend with them and no money to spend on them. Does he change his job for one which enables him to see his kids?

Does he fuck.

The idea that you want to keep your kids from your ex is laughable. I’d give anything to have half the holidays free - bliss!

I hear that too op. My ex makes a huge deal
About us being equally responsible for the kids but then has used at least 5 days of his annual leave this year on going away without them on long weekends away, festivals etc. Which leaves a 5 day deficit that someone (me) has to cover when the girls are on holiday from school. All of my leave bar half a day this year has been used to cover School
Holidays and spend time with them.similarly he will often go to gigs or arrange to do work things when he is scheduled
To have the girls and ask me to have them. I am happy to as a rule as I get more time with them. But it does highlight the difference in attitude between us. I try hard not to arrange social things on nights I have them. I don’t accept work things,unless I absolutely have to, that will mean I can’t be there for them after school or whatever-sometimes to career detriment. But I do it Because they are my priority over anything else. I don’t doubt my ex loves them immeasurably and I’m not saying he’s a bad parent-I just find the idea that he espouses around being equally responsible for them is made a tad ludicrous by the choices he makes sometimes.
It would also then annoy me if he asked for extra time with them, when they would be away from me-when he wasn’t even going to be there.

Absolutely

So currently SM does take the dc to school one morning a week which you don't mind op?

This thread is shocking and ghastly. Children are individuals who build up relationships with people other than their parents, and spend time with other people to build up such relationships. This obsession with who has contact time down to hours and a day here and there is positively bonkers. Every time you drag them back to one of two parents you are removing them from one of two homes, full of relationships there and an environment which is equally theirs to have. Those people there matter too. Step parents are parenting your children to various degrees, be gracious and grateful that someone who is not biologically connected to your child is caring for them, watching out for them. They might not always get it right, but then neither do parents. These are households you are pulling your children back and forth between, homes full of relationships. When contact is with one parent it is up to that parent and that parent alone to decide the childcare during that period; it should not be suffocated by conditions set by the other parent. How dare anyone dictate how the other parent shares looking after the children with their spouse! It's their home, their responsibility during that period, their contact time, leave them to it and get on with life.

I genuinely never realised putting other people's children to bed one night a week and making them breakfast was such a life-enhancing, spectacular, mind-blowing experience that could offer such vital importance to someone's life. I shall see if I can borrow my friends' children just so I can experience some of the ecstasy that this obviously dreadful, cunning SM is after.

What a spectacularly bonkers post

That sad for you then flowerpot. Because I genuinely feel that making my child really dinner, chatting about their day, and tucking them in at night is massively important and the best part of my day. And he fact that they still asked to be tucked in and for a chat and a cuddle before bed (aged 10 and 12) suggests they value it to.
I don’t see them really fancying that with their dads new girlfriend who they don’t particularly want to spend time with however ‘graciously’ she offers.

I think some posters need to actually read the whole thread.

I'm on your side OP. this arrangement sounds like it was made for the step mother's benefit and no one else's. Tell your ex that if he/they want to spend more time with the DC then he needs to organise more flexible work ... You know, like women do.

I think it’s reasonable for the step mum to start building a relationship with them and taking them to school once a fortnight is hardly a big deal for you. I think you are over reacting with the “it’s my child and I want to do it”. Understandable but not reasonable.

I’m also not surprised she is a bit stressy, if she gets it wrong she knows you will have a go at her husband. It can be quite stressful being a step mum, you have to try to be tactful and not overstep, but still have a relationship with your husbands child knowing that everything you do and say will be reported back to mum for scrutiny.

As for complaining that he took her away and not the children, I think you’d also be complaining if he took the children away with her. At some point that will come up and you need to be prepared for that.

In the end you can’t change what happened, you have both remarried, and all 4 of you need to be cooperative and work together to make this as easy as possible for your child.

Hilarious Yetanother.

Obviously the step mum is desperate to take the child to school. It’s so exciting.

He doesn’t need to organise his work more flexibly like the women do, he has already got a wife for that.

I absolutely woujd not complain if he took the kids away with the step mum! I don't have any issue - why would I?

They could take the DC away for 5 weeks every year and I woujd be fine - I would welcome it as it would actually help me to hold down a fucking job!