New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

Annabella not a step mum, thankfully, as I'd have to leave if I were treated in the way most are.

ginger his grandparent doesn't have rights no. But I'm not a dick and won't stop my child having two families because it could be more time for me.

SarahH12 "just because she's the mum."

That's exactly bloody why she has every say in this.

Fucking hell. Can spot the cf stepmums a mile away in this thread.

YANBU.

At the moment, those Monday mornings are YOURS. It is not up to you to facilitate the relationship with stepmum. Support it, yes. But not facilitate it. That's up to your ex. So if he wants to share his time with the kids with her, that's up to him. But is mightily cheeky to ask you for more time with the kids only to hand it over to stepmum - I think I've got that right haven't I? That he wanted to take them to school? Why did he even ask for that time on this particular weekend if he knew he wouldn't even be there?

I would be pissed off too. They are your kids, not hers.

But Annabella he is the dad and he has a say over when he sees his children and who looks after them when in his care. So no, she doesn't get overriding powers of veto to only allow those she deems okay to take them to bloody school.

He's hardly asking for her to be given parental rights.

The dad wants two more overnights a month and, at times, may need his wife to do the school run. The mum is refusing because she doesn't want the stepmum to do it as they are her kids, not theirs.

Rose because he could spend longer on Sunday enjoy their time? Have another night with his kids. How dare he want that and also make arrangements to have his wife take them to school.

I would hate it if my dd didn't come home on the Sunday,not because of who would be caring for her.
When exh sees dd for the weekend he picks her up from our home after she home from school and chang3d and back Sunday night.
I can wash her uniform and pe kit.She can make sure she has done all her homework and sort her bag out for the next day.
I would not like to send her off to school on Friday with extra bags of clothes,books and materials for Monday's lessons.Xdh would have to ensure he washed her uniform,pe kit,did all homework.
Luckily he gets how tricky it would be with a teenager who would stress if something was forgotten.(she is too old to have seperate clothes at her dad's,teens can be funny about their clothes and accessories!)

sailor - read the whole thread.

I have said more than once that I encourage my ex to have the kids extra during the week when he can.

It isn't often, but if he IS around and he wants to grab an extra night with the kids I always agree.

I am happy to give up time so he has them more. I would LOVE him to have more holiday time with them.

What I don't want is to give up my time with my kids to the new SM. If ex H can have the kids more - I am totally fine with it, if the kids want to.

The kids have been comfortable talking to me about the proposed change to Sunday nights and them wanting to stay at dads' so he can do the school run in the morning.

They have also been comfortable expressing that they would want to come home when he can't. They DO find SM stressy and a bit much and they don't want her to Monday mornings.

You want to read something into this thread that just isn't there. And you make stupid assumptions. My kids have a very good relationship with their dad and his side of the family - aunts, uncles, cousins etc. They like SM BUT do find her controlling, as do most people who come into contact with her.

They aren't happy with her doing Monday mornings. End of.

Classic AIBU. OP doesn't want to hear it!!

Huney i can hear you making lots of excuses and it is again all he has them and no one else.

Again, the kids clearly know of your dislike for her and I'm not surprised they say what they do to you.

You cannot micromanage contact forever.

This wouldn't bother me. Surely it will more comfortable for the children to stay over anyway rather than having to be carted home at 9pm on a Sunday evening. If a step mum was willing to look after my children I would really really try to have a decent relationship with her, I can only see the benefits of her taking them to school!

OP stand your ground 100%.

If not only in the hope their stepmum is one of the cranks or gf on this thread and we can be safe in the knowledge your dc will not be exposed to her for longer than they ever have to.

Stepmums are actual parents. New wives with whom the kids do not want to spend time, are not. I wish they wouldn't call themselves stepmums when they are in no way shape or form a mother. They are just a spouse until they earn it and b

sailor - I don't micromanage. I do however, listen to my kids.

My daughter (13 year old) came home two weekends ago distressed because SM had been in a foul mood all weekend (not uncommon for her) and the whole house tip-toed around her. DS confirmed (though he is thicker skinned and less bothered.) DD spent most of the weekend in her room avoiding SM.

She was upset to the point she asked whether she had to go on the next weekend visit, or wanting to only go for one night and would I come and pick her up if it was the same It isn't the only time this has happened.

I told her she had to get on with it, that it was DF's time with her and that I was sure SM would be better, that she maybe had had a bad week.

I do value my kids' dad and his time with his kids, and I absolutely encourage it. However, I am not surprised that the kids don't want her to do the school run.

And I do think that if things carry on DD will vote with her feet eventually and refuse to go.

YANBU

you have been flexible, giving extra nights when ex is available
you have tried to encourage more contact when the children wish. (holidays etc)
you have listened to the children's wishes about contact.
you have discussed it with their dad and come to an agreement.

sm has pressurised kid into having a haircut against kids wishes, dad did not stick up for kid. kid was upset. (hard for an 11 year old to go against an adult)
they are changing agreement without agreement from children and you.
they are pushing for something the children have stated they do not want.

sm sounds controlling. if it were a partner it would sound like the beginnings of coercive control, continualy commenting on appearance and pressurising another person into something they do not want.

All this angst about what? An hour at most on a Monday morning most teens would crawl out of bed at the last minute, grunt at their parents, put headphones on in the car and go to school without a backward glance!

The only issue here is coming to an agreement about if he can have them on Sunday night. Anything after that is up to him.

However, at 11 & 13, they are old enough to articulate their feelings to their dad without your input.

I certainly don't get all this stuff about new partners 'keeping out of' stepchildrens lives. How can you be a family when you have 'his and her' children?

headintheproverbial - I think you are reading a different thread to the rest of us. There are plenty of people on the OPs side here.

Re the haircut and being under the thumb - I’m the first person to fight the corner of women but is it that hard to imagine that a woman can have control issues? Especially with an 11yo - I was shy at that age and wouldn’t have spoken up if I didn’t feel 100% comfortable doing so. Certainly not in a chair at the hairdressers!

Oh dear. You need to watch her. I wouldn't give her an inch iiwy.

Let's hope she has her own children soon and gets her claws out of your kids.

For me the gloves would have been off at the haircut. How DARE she??! Your children aren't dollies - it's not about how they look ffs

It's about relationship. She's a random who happened to marry their father. Any meaningful relationship develops over time - dependent on good behaviour: hers.

Epic fail on that front so far. I'd be very tempted to tell her to back the fuck off. Can you 'have a talk' with her?

How is EOW + once a week ‘woefully low’ contact?

I think you’re getting a hard time on here OP.

Your kids have two parents - they don't need another one.

I can understand why you’re cheesed off, it’s giving your time to her, not him. However, it isn’t a massive amount of time and, as long as kids are happy with it, I’d let let them go.

However, it isn’t a massive amount of time and, as long as kids are happy with it, I’d let let them go.

But if he's not there they aren't!!!!

Not read all the replies. But I’m a step mum and I used to do the school run every Friday morning until the kids Mum moved away meaning that they changed schools and couldn’t be with us on week nights anymore. I would feel a bit insulted if I hadn’t been trusted to get 2 primary school aged kids up,dressed, breakfast and driven to school on time! But then again my step kids got me a little present for mother’s day and get a little something for their step dad on Father’s Day. So maybe we are a bit more accepting in our family!

If your children don't want to be taken to school by their step mum then they need to tell your ex husband about it.

However, the other posters have valid points that she is now part of the family and probably wants to get more involved. Of course any new routine will be 'stressy' as the step mum probably has very little idea what needs to be done.

But if your children are really resistant to it then your ex husband needs to be told. What is the relationship like between your children and the step mum? As this might be the bigger problem.

I wouldn't make this a really big issue and potentially ruin what seems a very amicable relationship between you and your ex husband over a few hours unless the children have a very big problem with it.

YABU
50:50 Its not your call.

OP I can see it from both sides bit I will tell you my experience of being the child in a very similar situation:

I saw my dad every second weekend and like your ex he would travel a lot. About 18 months after he married my stepmum, both my brother and myself told him we wanted to spend more time at his house but we knew our mum would be upset about it so could he bring it up? he did and she asked us, her tone made us realise she wanted us to say no because of SM. We used to just agree when she said 'so and so said SM is controlling' because we wanted to please her. It ended up at court and my dad got more time even though the courts knew he travelled a lot. The courts didn't see it as giving time to SM they saw it as my brother and me being part of both households and thought about how it was best for us to feel included by all in the households. My mum was sure we would tell the courts that we didn't want to be left in SM care but we told the courts we wanted this but didn't want to upset our mum. That is a possibility.

I also suggest you watch the movie stepmom