New Stepmum being pushy over kids

[HuneyBee74]

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

If she works full time and he's away I'm really struggling to work out what's in it for them, having the extra night. The only thing i can assume is that its like the last day of a holiday every Sunday - you never fully relax if you know you have to go home that night.

@pictish but they’ve already stated their preferences. So it’s a no brainier. Kids don’t want to be taken to school by Sm and after a 5 year separation/divorce where that hasn’t been a precedent, it seems unlikely in the extreme that any court would try to enforce that scenario

I think family life works best when people are flexible. When we got together my partner was self-employed, which meant he sometimes would be asked to work away from home at unexpected times, or would be unavoidably kept late.

Nonetheless he was and is a very loving father to his two children. I worked part-time and also did freelance work from home. So on those occasions when his working circumstances changed at the last minute, I'd pick my stepchildren up from school, play games with them, cook tea all that sort of thing. They weren't in any way unsettled by this. They'd got to know me, our house was their second home, and their Dad would ring with bulletins about when he'd be coming back.

My close relationship with the stepchildren also meant there was a lot of flexibility about who did what. If my stepdaughter didn't want to accompany her dad and brother to sports practice, then she'd stay home with me.

My partner's ex really had a problem over this. She saw herself as someone who was large hearted enough to 'let' the children have contact with their father. But did not want them to have any contact with me.

To the extent that she got a solicitor to write saying unless he could guarantee that he and he only would be doing the school pick ups, then she would cease contact. (Given what she knew about his self-employment, I always wondered if this was a ploy to stop him having any contact with the children.)

In any event my partner said, 'Okay if you stop the contact we had originally agreed, then the matter will have to go to court so it's settled by the Family Proceedings Court.'

At which point she realised she'd a) end up spending a lot of money and b) not get what she wanted.

So things quietened down a little...

I've read a lot of totally mental threads on here, but this is just unbelievable.

OP YADNBU. Absolutely fuck that.

The self-absorbed agenda flinging from some of the pp is just mind blowing.

@sailorcherries no, I won’t puss off. But lovely to be invited! 😬

IWanna he doesn't travel 24/7 though. What if he wanted to have then one night during the week but might need to use his own parents as childcare, as so many parents do?

I think the OP controls it to have her own way.
I get the kids then this is my time and I will not share. You are only allowed them when I see fit and only you are allowed to take them to school because I say so.

The current arrangement works for OP because she calls the shots. She's now got her nose out of joint because someone has come along who is telling her ex to stand up for himself.

SM and OP seem very similar. She spoke to ex so he wanted more contact. OP essentially told ex it was her way or the high way.

sailor - I will refer you again to your comment:

You are also treading a close path to court and, given what you've said, I'd assume his contact would increase significantly

It can't 'increase significantly' if he is, for the most part OUT OF THE COUNTRY week in, week out! It's very simple!!

His work has always dictated our arrangements.

It CAN, and should, in my opinion, increase in the school holidays - if he took more holiday time off to spend with the children, but he chooses not to.

I’d also suggest @sailorcherries that perhaps you need to look at your own anger issues before you tell people to piss off. I haven’t had a weekend off for a very long time because of issues with my exH’s GF and my eldest. Doesn’t mean I stop trying to ensure they have a relationship.BUT that relationship is absolutely JUST between him and his kids, everyone else is transient. So I stick by my previous point.

I think the kids wishes are important- very much so.

However the arrangements to date have seemingly never involved the SM taking them to school. They presumably don’t know how they will get on with this revision in contact.

The OP said if her ex can do the school run then fine - he can have them so presumably the kids don’t have a problem with staying with him on a Sunday night.

So this all about the SM taking them to school - which by doing so she facilitates an additional overnight stay with their father. Something again the OP has said she has tried to encourage but his work commitments have prevented.

Given this arrangement is untested I think it’s wise to give it a try and if the kids don’t like it because SM is “stressy” then fair enough - go back to the original arrangement.

However it’s possible that they might be fine with it once SM has got the routine sorted and prefer this to the bedtime shuttle back to their Mum.

The crux here has already been articulated by a PP.

* "You cannot make some rule up whereby the kids only stay under your demands. He either has them Sunday night and the school run, using appropriate childcare (which includes the step mum) or he doesn't. You cannot dictate how his contact should work."*

So I appreciate you standing your ground (once having tried it) that the kids don’t like this, but I don’t think your argument of them not being allowed to be taken to school twice a month by the SM really has any weight tbh.

Your ex does gain by putting them to bed on Sunday night but the “cost” of that is help with the school run the next morning. Yes it does dig into “your time” but the overall balance is still very much in your favour.

No one should be ‘telling’ the op anything. There was a discussion between the parents and an agreement was reached. What changed?

Tbh, if things are amicable and no one takes the piss and two families live close by (to each other and school) then it's nice for the kids to come and go from both homes as they please. But in this situation it doesn't seem to be the dad driving this change but the dad's wife. For lots of divorced couples, routine and structure and respect for the actual parent helps maintain amicable relationships.
The dad has been happy with this set up for years, OP is flexible when he is actually there to look after them. I honestly don't see why she should change that on account of a step parent.

Flipping heck Sailor. Unresolved issues Much?
-there's only one petulant child on the thread and it isn't the OP-

gingergenius I have no anger issues thanks. You assumed about my family status, wrongly, you've assumed about my mental health status wrongly. I am happy with the relationship my child has with his paternal family even if that doesn't include his father.

OP. You don't want your children to have two families. You want them to have you and then have access to their father when you are happy with it.
Many parents work shifts and have to rely on other people for childcare. Many people have full custody and shared custody under these circumstances.

You cannot dictate the terms of his contact. You cannot tell him who is allowed to look after his kids. He either gets Sunday night or doesn't but you certainly don't get to oversee childcare arrangements if he does. That is not how it works. Just because you do not want your husband doing school runs it does not mean he wants that same set up.

Value no issues.

OP wants to control her ex. She wants to dictate contact and he can only have them if he does exactly what she wants because that school run is her time and how dare he give it to the SM when he isn't there, the woman he is creating a family including his DC with.

The OP is trying to micromange her exs time with his kids. She doesn't like the SM because the SM stamps her foot and gets her way, yet this is the OP throwing her dummy out the pram over two school runs because she is the mum and that's that.

There was no other reason given than they are her kids (not their kids, ex and OP) and that's it.

There was no other reason given than they are her kids (not their kids, ex and OP) and that's it.

Other than the small matter that the kids categorically do not want SM to do it and want to come home if DF isn't about?

Or do their views matter less than what SM wants?

I am ambivalent on this. I can understand OP being annoyed at her ex for passing on his parental responsibilities to a woman who is a stranger to her but if his house is going to be the children's home too it makes sense that they should stay there even when he isn't there. Just as if the OP were in hospital and someone else stayed at her home to take care of the children while she was absent. And to me it's good that the new wife wants to be involved, not just treat the children as unwanted, unwelcome appendages to her new marriage.

I admit I could be very biased here as I had a really shit, uninterested dad and a wonderful, loving, involved stepdad so my instinctive feelings to stepparents are favourable.

Bloody hell HeebieJeebies456, are you their step mum?

Op is their mother. She doesn't have to give up her time with them for his new wife whatsoever. Get a grip.

Sailor

Do you think the op made her ex work the hours he does in the locations he does just to make contact tricky? Or do you think it’s far more likely he’s done the fairly normal let’s work contact around work

@sailorcherries in which case I’m very happy for your situation. These things are not easy and you are fortunate to have been able to formulate a strategy that works for you. I hope it does and from experience life’s ebbs and flies can often make this difficult. I still don’t appreciate being told to piss off. We’re all struggling with this stuff.

NeedsAsockamnesty - yes - my powers of control know no bounds!!

Actually @sailorcherries may well be the stepmum. Or a very bitter old nag. One or the other

By the way @sailorcherries grandparents have no rights in uk law. #justsaying

I don’t have a particular opinion if YABU or not but I do think you’re talking about your children as if they are much younger. I wonder if all if you do this or maybe it’s just the way you’re writing things on here. They’re not small children anymore and they should be able (and given space) to confidently say to both parents what they want. Can you and ex sit down with them and ask? It’s not helpful to have one parent ask in case they want to please them.

ginger and I've worked hard at knowing my son has two families not just two parents. Something OP doesn't want to happen.

Needs they do work contact around his work but I'd imagine the OP would not be giving up her time midweek for the times he is here, nor open to him using additional childcare when he isn't. Nor do I think many people would be happy with "my ex works in a stressful job involving travel and hours. He wants to change jobs to a local, part time contract to see the kids more. Aibu to be annoyed at this because it will impact maintenance'.

And again OP. Most kids tell their parent what they want to hear. Isn't it slightly plausible that kids have expresses an interest to stay with dad more, prompting him to ask, as they know he wants that. Whilst also telling you no as they can see your dislike.