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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
gingergenius · 15/11/2017 22:02

Kids are11 and 13. Very able to Male their views known, which, according to totneOP, they have. Kind of important!

SpareASquare · 15/11/2017 22:04

Kids don't want it either

You've said this more than once but you have to know that your children are absolutely going to be influenced by you. They KNOW how you feel about the SM and you've said yourself your son is a people pleaser so I doubt he'd say or do anything in this situation that doesn't gel with what he knows YOU want.. They will absolutely 'side' with you.

Do I think it's intentional on your part? Not at all. It's a lesson I learnt myself and I can almost guarantee that your influence over them will be coming in to play here.

Blackcatonthesofa · 15/11/2017 22:07

To be fair I feel that teenagers should have a say in this too. It's not just about OP and SM. Since the kids would rather go back to mums they should be able to (at that age). They are old enough to have a little say in this as well.

JaneEyre70 · 15/11/2017 22:09

If it were me OP, I'd agree to the extra night IF and only if he's there in the morning to take them to school. On the days he isn't there, they come home sunday as usual. He's the one that they have a relationship with - and if they aren't with their Dad then they should be with their Mum. More importantly, if the kids don't want it to happen, then it shouldn't. It must be really weird for them, plus you've got all the aggro of school kit, lunch stuff etc.

HelloSquirrels · 15/11/2017 22:11

He's the one that they have a relationship with

Ah right so their step mother is just soke random woman to them then?

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 22:13

You are also treading a close path to court and, given what you've said, I'd assume his contact would increase significantly

What an utterly ridiculous assumption.

We are the least litigious people you could hope to meet. We spent a minimum on solicitor fees during our divorce and thrashed out our own deal.

And even in the off-chance his wife pushed for Court (because it wouldn't be him) - well, given that he is out of the country all week, most weeks I hardly think a Court is going to give new SM (who works FT) access over their own mum (who works PT around the kids. )

Besides which my kids wouldn't stand for it!

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 15/11/2017 22:14

I’m confused OP.

You say he has them one evening a week in your opening post but never takes them to school in another.

* dontlet - no. DH doesn't take the kids to school or collect.*

How does this work? How do they get to school when he has them in the week?

Who takes them? The SM?

DarthMaiden · 15/11/2017 22:16

Ahh - penny dropped.

I assume they don’t stay overnight during the week?

It’s the same arrangement where the come home before bedtime?

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 22:17

DarthMaiden I was referring to MY DH - he never does the school run.

My ex has the kids on a Friday night when it isn't his weekend.

This ended up being the best solution as he wasn't around during the week. He tries to make sure he is back so he can pick them up from school on the Friday afternoon.

Otherwise they get the train back to me as usual, and I look after them until he is able to collect.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 15/11/2017 22:18

As has been said before, your dislike of the SM is so apparent that your kids probably don't say otherwise to you as they won't want to upset you.

Courts are more willing to give shared contact, his work doesn't play a role given that there is childcare.

I'd kill for my DS to have a father who even wanted to spend time with him, if he found someone else who wanted to do that I'd be jumping with joy.

You want people to agree with you. I think you are being a petulant child, they are your toys and you don't want to share.

DarthMaiden · 15/11/2017 22:20

Thanks for the clarification OP

pictish · 15/11/2017 22:23

"You cannot make some rule up whereby the kids only stay under your demands. He either has them Sunday night and the school run, using appropriate childcare (which includes the step mum) or he doesn't. You cannot dictate how his contact should work."

This is the bottom line for me. I can sympathise with you...your ex's wife does sound like a pushy sort. You're very definite on that and you would know. You've had the pleasure.

But.
The statement is true. He is their parent and he is arranging care as he sees fit...as do you. That it's driven by her makes no odds...he's in agreement.
And look, they are 11 and 13. Not tots any more, they have independence and a voice. I suggest you all back off and let them decide. That's what I'd be suggesting to all parties concerned if I were you. Good luck. x

valuerangeweetabixandmilk · 15/11/2017 22:23

FWIW I would hate this. You are their mum, he is their dad and it has always been this way and those Sunday nights are YOUR nights.
But really, I think it is a good thing. She actually wants to take them to school. She wants to be with them even without him there. That would comfort me a great deal (after I'd stopped hating her and being angry!) as nobody knows the future and another close relationship for your kids is more support as they grow.
Honestly, I get it. I get she can be pushy. But back down and breathe. It's not a bad thing.

gingergenius · 15/11/2017 22:23

Does everyone realise that from quite a young age, the kids’ opinions are taken into consideration? 11 & 13 y/o’s view’s will very much be considered. As they should.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/11/2017 22:24

Funny that.

I spend a great deal of time in courts and have seen lots of attention paid by them when one parent works out of the country I have also seen lots of attention paid to working hours and contact arrangements

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 22:25

sailor you are being ridiculous.

A Court would be willing to give more contact NOT to the DF (who is abroad) but the new SM, who has no parental rights? Who herself would have to employ a childminder as she works FT herself? Just so the children can stay overnight more in their fathers' house? Without their father? Rather than go home to their mum who will have finished work and do dinner / homework etc? And against the wishes of two bright and articulate children?

'Sorry children. You may WANT to stay with mum, but the Court decrees that you will be collected from school on day XYZ by a person unknown, driven to your fathers house where you will wait until your SM returns from work. You won't see your father anymore, as he is out of the country, and you will miss time with your mother, but it is in your best interests that new SM has you overnight more often'.

You win for most ludicrous post.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 15/11/2017 22:27

@HuneyBee74 I’m with you!

Phalenopsisgirl · 15/11/2017 22:27

I’m normally one to say keep the peace and compromise but actually I found myself in a similar ish situation in the past, once you give an inch it may well become a mile. The fact that you came to an agreement and then you are told the exact opposite of what you agreed to is going to be the case would be a huge red flag for me. I’d just take a strong stand now and say you have decided it is better to stick to your old arrangement and offer contact at other times during the week, for example he could take them out for dinner during the week. Pp saying to let it go may never have fallen victim to a controller, you start letting things go but soon you have lost control completely, it’s subtle and slow behaviour to start with but you’ll soon find you are over your head. The way you feel about this is instinct, listen to yourself and stand your ground or you’ll regret it.

gingergenius · 15/11/2017 22:28

@sailorcherries do y let your desperation for a weekend off cloud your judgement

pictish · 15/11/2017 22:28

"You are their mum, he is their dad and it has always been this way and those Sunday nights are YOUR nights."

But it's not about (generic) YOU is it? It's about what the kids want. What they don't need is to be fought over in a battle of his and mine.

AnneElliott · 15/11/2017 22:28

YANBU op. They are not her kids. I don't understand why some SM want to play patenting. My friend's ex has a wife like this - she honestly thinks the kids have 3 patents and that her view is just as valid as the real parents!

For me the main issue is what do your kids want. As they get older I think you have to be more and more led by them.

sailorcherries · 15/11/2017 22:29

Again you are a petulant child. Shared care is on the rise whether you like it or not. One extra night whereby an adult trusted by their parent does the school run will not be shot down because 'mummy doesn't want to share'.

Has the time always been completely mutually agreed or completely driven by you?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2017 22:30

I am a stroppy cow, so if he didn't return them on sunday night, he'd not get them on friday night when it was next his contact weekend but on saturday morning. If he wanted to randomly change long standing agreements without consent, well he's not the only one.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2017 22:31

Sailor, I would imagine the arrangement was driven by his job.

sailorcherries · 15/11/2017 22:31

@gingergenius I get EOW off. My child has a relationship with his paternal grandparent. His father claims it as his contact time, disappears the entire time however I recognise that it is important for my child to know he has two families who care about him.

Piss off :)