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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
missiondecision · 15/11/2017 20:58

I don’t think you are being ur.
I don’t see that it is your responsibility or duty to now share your children with your ex h new wife.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/11/2017 20:59

DukesofHazzard

He even works for her so she even decides when they take their annual leave etc

Ha ha ha, SAME! Amazing isn't it? Oh I could go on and on but don't want to derail the thread! I think sometimes it's easier to accept that they just can't be arsed/don't want the hassle.

Whoever said "golden uterus", what a disgusting comment.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 21:04

dontlet - no. DH doesn't take the kids to school or collect.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 15/11/2017 21:08

You need to sort out the access and that's that, regardless of whether he's home or your home or what. Friday to Monday for an WOW arrangement is completely reasonable so whilst I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you are causing an issue that just doesn't need to be caused. Let them stay, stepmum sounds reasonable enough. Oh and remember those mutual friends will be passing opinion on you guys back to them too. You're naive if you don't realise that.

Desmondo2016 · 15/11/2017 21:09

EOW

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 15/11/2017 21:13

Op you definitely are NOT being unreasonable.
I haven't read the whole thread because the first reply made my blood boil. Of course it's about you, these are your kids! Ffs 😡 ex won't be getting the extra time anyway 🙄

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 21:13

Oddmanout - he CAN see his kids more.

I have said Sunday nights are fine if he is there in the morning.

I encourage him to have more of their holiday time. He doesn't. But he can if he chooses to.

If he calls me up in the week and says he is around a bit more that week and wants to take the kids for an extra overnight I say fine.

I just don't want time given over just to the SM when he CAN'T have the kids and I can.

Kids don't want it either.

OP posts:
missingtheolddays · 15/11/2017 21:19

YANBU. Thank him for the kind offer... Just tell him the kids want to
come home.

Teaching DS to stick up for himself a bit more is a great idea.

gingergenius · 15/11/2017 21:35

@Rainbunny regardless of varying opinions, YOUR CHILDREN ‘S voices should be paramount here. If they, at the ages if 13 and 11, prefer not to have their SM managing their pre-school routine after all this time, then no court in the land will change it.

Be true to your children.

RandomMess · 15/11/2017 21:36

It’s perfectly usual for the parents to ask for first refusal if the other parent isn’t available to look after DC rather than childcare, step parents, family being used.

gingergenius · 15/11/2017 21:40

@Desmondo2016 yes fri-mon is perfectly reasonable- except where the absent parent decides it’s impossible (even though he hasn’t actually discussed it with his HR dept) and therefore makes any other working situation non-viable!!!!

HelloSquirrels · 15/11/2017 21:42

"Time just given over to the SM"

She's a big part of their life. Be thankful she wants to spend time with them. It could be much worse.

lunar1 · 15/11/2017 21:43

Your ex and his wife sound really controlling to me. Your arrangements have worked for five years allowing him to travel and further his career.

New wife on the scene and he wants to change things to suit himself. You agree to the change with a compromise, allowing the children to maximise their time with both parents.

He agrees, then unilaterally says fuck that I’m doing thing my way.

How many more changes is he allowed to make without his children’s other parent agreeing, or do you all think what the man says goes?

The sad thing is, if he hadn’t done this it probably could have worked out over time the wAy the ex an his wife proposed, Once everyone had time to adjust.

SonicBoomBoom · 15/11/2017 21:43

YANBU OP, and I don't understand why this thread has gone how it has Confused

Your ex has the DC as much as he wants at the moment.

He has said he'd like to see them more when it suits him, which you're happy to accommodate, and your DC are happy too.

You are not happy with him taking time with the DC away from you, to give to some other than him. If the stepmother wants to spend more time with them, she can do that when he is there too. Eg holidays or when he's at home during the week. Similarly, if their paternal grandparents wanted to have them overnight, this should be arranged in his contact time, not yours, obviously Confused

And most importantly, the children want to either be with their father, or you. Not their stepmother-without-their-father. So if he's not there, they want to be at home. So this is what should happen. They are old enough to decide for themselves.

Rainbunny · 15/11/2017 21:45

I'm feeling sorrier and sorrier for this step mum by the minute. Obviously this arrangement isn't going to work as the OP is against it but the step mum just seems like she is trying to be supportive of of her DH so that he can spend Sunday evenings with his children. I suspect she's just offering (or her DH ASKED her to help) to facilitate the logistics of the Monday morning. I highly doubt it's her secret dream to deal with getting children ready and off to school on a Monday morning!

PrimalLass · 15/11/2017 21:48

You feel sorry for someone who went against the mother’s wishes for her child’s hair?

HelloSquirrels · 15/11/2017 21:49

This thread just proves you cannot ever do right as a step mum.

You dont want to be involved youre a heartless bitch. You do want to be involved, youre a nobody whos taking precious time from mummy.

Fuck me if someone offered to take the nursery run off me once every two weeks id jump at the chance. It is hardly quality time is it?

HelloSquirrels · 15/11/2017 21:50

Mothers wishes for her childs hair 😂😂😂

PrimalLass · 15/11/2017 21:51

Why is that funny? My daughter has v long hair. If someone worked on her until she caved and agreed to have it cut, I would be justifiably raging.

HelloSquirrels · 15/11/2017 21:51

Its hair. It grows back.

PrimalLass · 15/11/2017 21:52

You are just reading the bits you want to and ignoring what the OP is saying.

HelloSquirrels · 15/11/2017 21:53

No ive read the whole thread. I still maintain the fact hair grows back.

honeyroar · 15/11/2017 21:55

I'm a step mum. My husband's mum used to look after his son before I came on the scene when my husband couldn't. His ex's parents sometimes looked after him when she couldn't. As they both remarried, her second husband would assume parent/care roles on her days, and I would on my husband's days. My stepson had a family on both sides, not just two parents with partners that weren't involved.

And we had similar dramas like this when I first came on the scene. His ex didn't like it if I pushed him to stand his ground sometimes. She used to have total say over every little thing and my husband was so scared of losing contact he just went along with it. I did many things with my stepson without my husband around. We had fun and became friends.. I am not his mum, I never will be and I never wanted to be. But I wanted to be part of his life and get to know this little person that my husband helped create and adores. I don't think that's strange, surely. I wanted my stepson to feel part of our family too, and not like we were someone that had to be visited and endured.

sailorcherries · 15/11/2017 21:58

He is their parent and you cannot stipulate who he allows to have access to and provide childcare for his children.

You cannot make some rule up whereby the kids only stay under your demands. He either has them Sunday night and the school run, using appropriate childcare (which includes the step mum) or he doesn't. You cannot dictate how his contact should work.

You are also treading a close path to court and, given what you've said, I'd assume his contact would increase significantly ans you would have no say whether step mum looked after them.

It's also bloody weird to have a DH who is not responsible for your kids at all and has no time alone with them; a DH with kids who you act towards in the same way; and an ex who isn't allowed to have his wife involved in child care.
You aren't creating a family but a 'this is my bubble, that is yours, and they cannot cross over' atmosphere.

Findingdotty · 15/11/2017 22:01

If the kids have said they don't want to stay when dad is not going to do the school run then that would be the question answered in my opinion.

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