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AIBU?

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
robinR · 15/11/2017 19:51

Golden uterus syndrome?

What a fucking cuntish thing to say

SarahH12 · 15/11/2017 19:56

What a fucking cuntish thing to say

Well that's how OP is coming across. Acting all high and mighty just because she's there Mum. Slagging off Dad and stepmum because God forbid they dare to have jobs and want to see their DC / DSC!

stargazer2030 · 15/11/2017 19:57

YANBU at all. I am a mum and step mum and completely agree with you and think your original suggestion was more than fair. More importantly the kids seem to want this too so stick to your guns.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 15/11/2017 20:00

Eeh, yet another thread proving even when step mums are doing s nice thing they're a bitch. I'll bet there would be no bother if your dh was to take them to school. They've asked for two extra nights a month, they see them a lot less than you within a month. Just leave it. If they said they wanted them one night less a week you would also kick off, again, step mums simply can't win. Right bitches we are

robinR · 15/11/2017 20:01

Don't try to defend that comment Sarah, you just look even worse.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 15/11/2017 20:01

Anyone want to stick a tenner on whether or not Sarah is a stepmum Wink

I think you are right anyway op and I actually think your house sounds lime a lovely happy home with a very good dynamic. Has your ex text you back when you asked why the change?

robinR · 15/11/2017 20:03

Keeping he mums in these situations are often stepmums themselves, as the OP is.

The problem isn't "stepmums". It's this step mum/situation.

SarahH12 · 15/11/2017 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/11/2017 20:06

OP has rightly got it into her head that she's right, IMO.

Let's just clarify, unless I've mis-read the post, OP is happy for the children's father to have them Sunday night, and take them to school on Monday EOW.

Just that - when he's not there, the children should return to her Sunday night as usual - rather than the stepmother taking over.

This is not unreasonable - there is no reason why OP should not insist on this. There is no reason why the stepmother should have any time on her own with the children when the mother is willing and able to have them.

Rachie1973 · 15/11/2017 20:07

I think it seems controlling too.

I am a Mum to kids with a stepmum, and I'm also Stepmum to 2. We actually had all of them with us.

We flexed with the other parents, we moved around each other, and we blended our 2 families together.

OP is jealously guarding 2 hours a month. I mean, it's just bizarre.

robinR · 15/11/2017 20:08

Sarah your entire attitude and posting style is unnecessarily aggressive.

I don't want to derail so I will leave it there.

OP there are as many different points of view here as there are stepmums and birth mums and whatever else.

Do what your instinct tells you. It's not wrong

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2017 20:09

I really wish that everyone would read all of the OP's posts. Because a lot of what she is being slagged off for she has already addressed.

She has agreed to extra contact for the DC father.
He is rarely there Sunday nights/Monday mornings but when he is, he has them
The OP does not want to give up her time to the SM but is happy to do so to her Ex.
The Ex and SM moved the goalposts
The DC don't want to stay there without their father

robinR · 15/11/2017 20:11

NannyOgg there are so many who drag their own sorry circumstances and prejudices (both ways!) onto every stepparent thread.

It's boring as fuck

FlowerPot1234 · 15/11/2017 20:17

By reading all the OP's posts, it appears the OP's dislike of this situation is because she believes this is a plot by the SM to reduce the maintenance.

Given that premise, it doesn't really matter if we debate whether the children are with the SM or their Dad, as the maintenance issue would still prevail.

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/11/2017 20:20

Surely at 11 and 13 your children's wishes ought to be heard and considered? Their Dad needs to know how they feel; that they'd rather come home if he's not going to be there. Just push for their preferences above your own and you won't go far wrong.

Step-families can be tough even when everyone's listening and working together. When there's someone undermining and tantrumming it can be a nightmare.

Also, the golden uterus thing is utterly revolting. Anyone posting such tripe needs to have a word with themselves.

RaspberryOverload · 15/11/2017 20:20

OP has said she's not worried about the maintenance.

I do think that the step mum needs to back off a little. Children do tend to do what adults ask of them, in this case a hair cut that the 11 yr old didn't want. She is starting with the comments about cuts again. His body, his hair, his choice.

Maelstrop · 15/11/2017 20:21

If the ex won't listen to you, will he listen to the dc telling him they want to go back home on Sunday nights? YANBU, imo, it's unfair on the children to be made to stay so step mum can play happy families and take them to school. Plus, if the kids find her stressy, what is the point of making them endure that? It's not very nice of your ex.

robinR · 15/11/2017 20:23

It's possible to be a kind and involved stepmother and to still understand that there are boundaries - they arent your kids.

In fact, I'd say understanding this is absolutely vital if the blended family is going to be a happy one.

The haircut, and other examples that the OP has given show that the stepmum doesn't understand this, and that would be ringing alarm bells with me. I wouldn't be encouraging SM alone time.

Oddmanout · 15/11/2017 20:24

You keep going on about how you 'agreed' something and he's gone back on it, when actually it sounds to me like he just went along with what you said to save any drama. He's then gone home talked about it with his wife and decided that actually why shouldn't he see his kids slightly more. That's perfectly reasonable.

The hair cut thing if true is unfair but ask your ex to talk to her about it rather than blacklisting her forever.

Geillis · 15/11/2017 20:25

@flowerpot you obviously have not read the OPs post properly or you would realise that’s not the case.

Bloody hell, all these posters with their own agendas are either NOT reading the OPs posts properly or just unable to understand them.

OP YANBU. Your posts make perfect sense, it’s clear that your ex has totally gone against what was agreed.

FFS.

FlowerPot1234 · 15/11/2017 20:30

Geillis
@flowerpot you obviously have not read the OPs post properly or you would realise that’s not the case.
I have. I asked her for what she thought the motivation behind the SM was, and she said it was either some bizarre desperation to parent them from 9pm and make them breakfast, or because she wants to reduce maintenance. Obviously the pull to put other people's children to bed and make them breakfast is not that strong to cause all this, it must be the OP's other option which she herself gave.

Bloody hell, all these posters with their own agendas
Ha! What agenda precisely?

FFS.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/11/2017 20:36

I’m a mum and a step mum. And I don’t think your unreasonable.

I would be annoyed at someone changing the goal posts as well.

WhoWants2Know · 15/11/2017 20:41

My dad remarried when I was 11. His wife is perfectly pleasant. But she isn’t my stepmom. She’s my dad’s wife. My mum’s eventual partner was her partner. 11 is pretty old to be accepting a new parental figure. Certainly it’s old enough to express where a child would like to stay. I would say not listening to the kids wishes at this point would be detrimental to their relationship with their dad- otherwise it gives the impression that his new wife’s wishes are more important to him than their own.

Whinesalot · 15/11/2017 20:45

It's one morning out of 14.
I accept that you are miffed because it's SM driving it, but TBH I'm not sure that it's worth ruining an amicable relationship for. ExDh is the one getting it in the ear - unless the kids are really, really against it, why not help him out a bit? He's likely to appreciate it and it will be beneficial for the kids in the long run to have 2 parents who can work well together. Being at war with each other even if it is SM's fault isn't great for the kids.

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 15/11/2017 20:47

I'm sorry if this had been asked already, read the thread but couldn't see it.

Does your husband take your children to school? Or collect them?