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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Stepmum being pushy over kids

634 replies

HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 14:07

I am divorced with two lovely children and have a very good relationship with my ex.

He has the children EOW and one evening a week, this has always been the arrangement since we split 5 years ago.

The kids come back to me on Sunday evenings when it is his weekend. This has always been the case as 1. I think it better for them to get back into their routine before the new week and 2. their Dad often has a very early start on Mondays. He travels a lot for work and often takes a Monday morning flight or has to catch an early train.

He recently got married, and his new wife doesn't yet have kids of her own. I have found her pushy in the past regarding the children.

Ex-husband last weekend raised the possibility of him keeping the children on the Sunday nights when it is his weekend, and taking them to school on the Monday.

We talked about it ,and when I pointed out that he often isn't there, he suggested step-mum can get the kids up and do breakfast / school run.

I don't want this. I was happy to talk about him having the kids when he can take them to school on the Monday, but said that when he can't be there that the children should come back to me on Sunday, as we have always done.

I'm their mum and I WANT to do that for them, get them up, give them breakfast and see them off. I feel that giving time that was mine to their Dad so he can spend more time with them is one thing, but I don't want to give my time with my kids to step mum.

We agreed it last weekend - he said fine, he would bring kids back on Sundays when he has got to go off early. All was very amicable.

It's his weekend this weekend coming. I texted him to reiterate what we agreed re: Sundays and asked whether he was taking the kids to school on Monday or returning them to me on Sunday.

He has now come back and said that he won't be there first thing Monday as he is going to the States and step mum is going to do the school run! That she 'is their step mum now' and it is his decision! Not what we agreed!

We are now arguing about it (we never argue!) - and I know that this is coming from her - she is hugely controlling and wants to 'be important'.

As far as I am concerned he has reneged on our agreement to appease his new wife.

Other than turn up at their door on Sunday evening, what do I do?

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 15/11/2017 18:46

You obviously have a very low opinion of your ex's wife but it sounds like she is doing her best to be a good step parent which honestly can't be said of your current DH if he can't/won't look after the children in your absence and they have to be sent to their father. Do you not think that is strange?

PeiPeiPing · 15/11/2017 18:48

#thatawkwardmoment when the stepmum cares about the kids more than the birth father. Whoooops! Blush

Ilovetolurk · 15/11/2017 18:50

YANBU OP

i think the mistake you have made was indicating that the Sunday night was available and putting conditions on it. Better to have just said no they are at home with me Sunday night no reason to change things

I would send a formal email or letter to say just to confirm the children are to be returned as usual Sunday evenings as per past practice for xx years, with no mention of whether he is there or not being a factor

Then if they are not returned you will need to think about how you want to handle it, but better to head it off firmly to start with imo

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/11/2017 18:51

DukesofHazzard I am in a very similar situation to the one you describe. Ex-h is totally controlled and has admitted this to a third party. From my viewpoint, it appears to be every single aspect of his life. He hasn't seen our DS for a year.

OP, you are most definitely not being unreasonable. It's a pity that your ex-h can't grow a pair of balls.

FunderAnna · 15/11/2017 18:54

I rather assumed that the ex-husband has perfectly adequate testicles. (If he didn't there would be no children for people to take sides about. Assuming they are biologically his...)

NachoAddict · 15/11/2017 18:55

Lemonaise that wasn't what I meant at all but if the ex started to dictate what happens in OPs home it would be a different story.
What next, you can't take them to x y z place or feed them a b c. They are either in the OPs home or in the Exes home, they dont each get to dictate what the other can and cant do, including letting their partner help out 12 times a year.

Redken24 · 15/11/2017 19:04

Could u not just trial it, say three Sundays in a row (or eow whatever it is) if kids are happy then keep going if not then cut it?

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 19:09

I don't think I am controlling.

My ex works long hours, lots of travel. The arrangements we have work and have always worked. I am very happy for the kids to stay with him on Sunday nights where he is actually going to be there for them in the morning.

There is flexibility too. He will ask for the odd extra night with the kids if he is going to be around more that week and unless we have concrete plans that can't be changed (unlikely) I always agree. His time with the kids is important.

I encourage him to have the kids half the holidays. He doesn't, nowhere near because he doesn't want to , or perhaps can't take that much time off work. He also has a couple of holidays a year just with his wife so that eats into his holiday time.

I just don't want time that I can, and have always had with my kids given over to the SM when I can look after them. And crucially, it is what the kids want too.

My relationship with my SS is good - I never look after him though (he's 15!) and too busy with his life / friends / off doing things with his Dad.

My DH is good with my kids but doesn't act like a father to them. He rarely steps in if they are playing up for example - he doesn't see that as his role. They have a Dad and he respects that. He will occasionally run them somewhere if they want a lift and I can't. He works very long hours during the week so isn't that involved to be honest. He is however, loving, kind and fair towards the kids.

Hand on heart I cannot recall him every babysitting the kids for me. I don't feel that it's an issue to be honest.

There was a weekend recently where I needed cover for the kids and I worked with ex H and we swapped weekends. I have done the same for him. I wouldn't dream of asking DH to have the kids when they could go to their dads'. I don't consider this 'weird'

On the weekends when we both have our kids (DH and I) I am usually running mine to their clubs / friends, organising sleepovers etc and he is off with his son making memories. We sometimes all come together on Saturday evening if my SS isn't out somewhere, and we try and have Sunday roast together. That's sort of it.

Maybe my set up is unusual. We certainly aren't the Brady bunch, we aren't in each others' pockets, but we are all happy with it. DH gets quality time with his DS and a break from work, I get to run around with my two and have fun, and we sometimes do things all together.

OP posts:
furiousandmad · 15/11/2017 19:12

YANBU. Fine if they are spending extra time with their dad, but you shouldn't be losing out on time with them if they're spending it with step mum. You are their mum.

Redken24 · 15/11/2017 19:12

I thought you said in a previous post that they wanted to stay? 🤔

If they don't want to then there is no question - there old enough to decide themselves.

LynetteScavo · 15/11/2017 19:17

YANBU OP

I have never been in your situation (or that of your ex or a step parent so feel free to ignore me!) but I actually got the rage reading the OP.

But I would say tread carefully..and not just argue to get your own way.

Monday morning a have never been his time so why does his new wife get to bagsy them?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 15/11/2017 19:22

I rather assumed that the ex-husband has perfectly adequate testicles. (If he didn't there would be no children for people to take sides about. Assuming they are biologically his...)

Wow. Was that really necessary?

SarahH12 · 15/11/2017 19:29

You come across as very controlling. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to spend time with your DC but equally there's nothing wrong with your ex wanting to spend more time with them. Stop trying to micromanage him. No court in the right mind would deny him contact just because he works and some could argue that the DC seeing him in what sounds like a professional job is actually a positive thing.

It sounds like you've got a grudge against the exW just because she's with your ex. She's not been on the scene for just 5 minutes and she obviously cares a lot about your DC. If she didn't care about your DC she wouldn't offer to take them to school just so your ex (her husband) can spend more time with them.

My DP works long hours and is often away on business. He earns much more now than he ever did when he was with his exW. He often can't have his DD during the holidays because of work commitments. None of this means he doesn't love his DD very much.

Stop judging your ex's parenting based on the fact he has a good job. And stop assuming it's all his wife's idea. Maybe like others have said he's too scared of standing up to you and doesn't want to rock the peace but then on the drive home / chatting to his wife he realises he does have the right to stand up to you.

Just because you gave birth to them it doesn't give you any more right to them than he does.

Oh and your situation with your DH is can weird and really does sound like two families living in one house like housemates rather than you all being one family unit.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/11/2017 19:29

Ohreallyohreallyoh I agree. Vile comment, best ignored.

DukesofHazzard · 15/11/2017 19:31

TheFormidableMrsC

It's utterly bizarre isn't it? My ex was seeing DD for 2 hours a week on a Monday,(after being AWOL for nearly 2 years)he said it was his only day off...but he finished work at 5pm on a Saturday and was off until Tuesday-every week. DD wanted to start an activity that was only on on Mondays so I said to him he would have to see her on his other days off...bizarrely he kept insisting he didn't have any other free time...So I said what about Saturday nights or Sundays EOW....Oh says he, I'm tired at the weekendsConfused

DD started her activity and he hasn't been in touch since. His sister told me that his g/friend controlled the whole thing behind the scenes, she booked up all their weekends with concerts, weekends away, and nights out. He even works for her so she even decides when they take their annual leave etc.

Allthewaves · 15/11/2017 19:31

My husband works away and his favourite bit is putting kids to bed, reading, having cuddles. I think it's reasonable for him to have them Sunday night and take them to school when he can.

EmilyChambers79 · 15/11/2017 19:33

and he is off with his son making memories

Gaaahh, I hate that phrase!!

It sounds you live quite separate lives, even though you are under the same roof, especially if you are out with your children at the weekend and he's out with his son and you only get together on a Saturday night if DSS is around and only sometimes on a Sunday.

When your children are with ex, do you spend weekends by yourself if your Husband is out with his son?

It's fine if it works for you but it seems that the introduction of a step parent usually means mixing the families rather than keeping everything separate and possibly not allowing relationships to grow or develop for fear of upsetting another parent.

How others describe your ex and his wife's relationship is irrelevant though. You can't assume she's the driving force behind this and that it's her idea because mutual friends have said she's controlling. You don't know what is being to said behind your back to her for a start. Plus how do you know after your conversation, he mulled it over and spoke with his wife who simply said, "if you want the Sunday contact go for it, I will support you how I can" and this instance, it's her doing the school run.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2017 19:36

Sarah, she doesn't sound controlling - it makes perfect sense to want her children with her and not their dad's wife, when their dad is away. I don't know what info you are using to extrapolate that sm cares about the kids - she seems to care about imposing her own opinions on this family, who had a good system working until she started interfearing.

SarahH12 · 15/11/2017 19:40

But things do change when new relationships start or kids get older. Just because it worked before it doesn't mean it'll work forever.

If she didn't care she sure as hell wouldn't spend her mornings as a child free person getting up and looking after somebody else's kids. I sure as heck wouldn't get out of bed at 6 am if I didn't care about DSD.

robinR · 15/11/2017 19:40

I don't think the op sounds at all controlling either.

The SM doesn't sound like she's thinking of the children at all.

And the children themselves don't want to spend time with the SM, so anyone talking about court can forget the ex winning - the children's views will be taken into account

SarahH12 · 15/11/2017 19:40

It is controlling to say no you can't see the DC who have just as much right to see their family with dad as their family with mum and it's definitely controlling to micromanage his time .

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 19:42

But I have two kids - I am not wanting to be a parent to a 15 year old who already has two. We have a great relationship, and he gets on very well with my two. We have a really happy home - maybe in part because we respect each others' time with our respective kids.

There is more than one way to 'blend' a family and for us, this works.

DH has his DS on the same weekends as I have mine.

On the other weekends we neither of us have our kids and we have a lot of fun, just the two of us. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 19:45

Sarah - I haven't said to my ex H that he can't see the kids.

Where have I said that?

I have said that I would like to continue looking after my kids when he is unable to. As I always have.

Call me big headed, but as their mum and the person who has known them their whole life I think I am better placed to look after them than a new SM who is stressy and controlling.

And it is WHAT MY CHILDREN want too. Ugh......

OP posts:
SarahH12 · 15/11/2017 19:48

But you have said he can't look after them. If he has time with them it's his right to sort out childcare as he sees fit.

Yes that is big headed. You need to accept you're not the only adult in their life who actually gives a damn

You've obviously got it in your head you're right (talk about golden uterus syndrome Hmm ) so why bother posting at all.

Original poster
HuneyBee74 · 15/11/2017 19:50

What I have got in my head, Sarah, is that my children have said they would like to stay with Dad on Sunday nights IF he can take them to school the next day.

They have said, quite clearly that where this isn't possible, they want to come home, because the SM is stressy and they would rather I do it.

Golden uterus?? You are a charmer.

OP posts: