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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to get DH in trouble at work?

123 replies

Butteflysarehere · 15/11/2017 13:33

This was few months ago but still comes up in arguments so wanted to know if I did the wrong thing.

DH works in the local supermarket. The job itself is a cause of contention for DH as he hates working and only works because he knows if he gave his job up he'd have to be a SAHP to our DD which he doesn't want to be.

Anyway, on this particular day he wasn't working. We needed something from the shop (bread and milk possibly and DH will likely have needed cigarettes) and DH offered to go.

The shop is half a mile from our house so he should of been gone no more than an hour as even when he's not working he can take his shopping into the staff canteen and use the till there, 1.5hours at a push.

When he hadn't come home 3 hours later and having not had a response to my calls or texts, I decided to call the shop to see if he was still there. I didn't think it was a police matter unless the manager couldn't find him.

The manager was very understanding and said he'd have a quick look around. 30 mins after calling the manager he called me back to say he'd located DH but he will be delayed for a few more minutes as he wanted a word with him.

DH came home an hour after the phone call from the manager saying he and his friend had been found in the delivery bay chatting. His friend was supposed to be working at the time and no-one but specific members of staff are allowed in the delivery bay as it's apparently quite a dangerous area.

The manager pulled both DH and his friend in front of the General Store Manager about this. DH got a warning for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and also for distracting a colleague from his job. His friend got into trouble for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and for not working when he was supposed to be. Both were given written warnings for this.

DH thinks I was UR for calling the store, and asking for him. He says I should of just kept calling and texting him as he'd have eventually seen his phone and picked up. I thought I was in the right as I was at home worried with DD (who was 18m at the time) and had I gone looking for him I'd have not found him anyway as the delivery bay isn't accessible by the public.

So WIBU to call the shop? And if I was what should I do if there is a next time? I did tell him it was very irresponsible when he got in, that a) he was in the delivery bay when he shouldn't be but also b) because he didn't let me know if/when he was coming home

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 15/11/2017 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardGoDarkly · 15/11/2017 13:36

Well I wouldn't have done it. I would've just thought... Oh dh has been delayed, and not even started worrying until maybe 4/5 hours had passed.

I can see why he's pissed off tbh. Why did he say he didn't answer his phone/texts?

Original poster
Butteflysarehere · 15/11/2017 13:37

Because he was messing around with his friend GoDarkly he didn't look at his phone and it was on silent.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/11/2017 13:38

The job itself is a cause of contention for DH as he hates working and only works because he knows if he gave his job up he'd have to be a SAHP to our DD which he doesn't want to be.

He sounds a real prize. If he doesn't like the job, why doesn't he do something about getting another one?

Deemail · 15/11/2017 13:39

You sound unreasonable and a bit crazy to have acted like you did calling the shop and thinking if the manager couldn't find him then it would be a police matter!
It was three hours not three days and presumably your dh is an adult not a young child. Talk about over reacting.

Phosphorus · 15/11/2017 13:39

You were utterly unreasonable.

He's not a child.

Jesus, if I want to take myself off to do the shopping, I don't expect to be timed. That sort if controlling idiocy would spell the end if any relationship I was in.

And as for phoning his work!? There goes any credibility he might have had.

He was gone three hours, not three days.Confused

Laiste · 15/11/2017 13:39

So DH went out on his day off to get some shopping from the shop he works at and was gone 3 hours and you rang the shop to see if he was there. This got him in the shit as he was hanging about in the delivery bay with a mate.

Er, 50/50. He shouldn't have been gossiping in the delivery bay, but i think it was OTT to ring the shop to look for him. I mean if he was going to be still at the shop it would be because he was nattering to someone so ringing and sending someone to hunt round for him was bound to end in trouble.

mumonashoestring · 15/11/2017 13:40

I'm guessing according to him nothing is ever his fault?

NapQueen · 15/11/2017 13:40

I think i would have been concerned too at him not returning home after 3 hours for a loaf of bread, but if my dh had popped into his workplace and was ages I would have assumed he had met a friend in the breakroom or had a catch up with a colleague over a brew or something. I wouldnt have called.

However that doesnt change the fact that (1) he was somewhere he shouldnt have been, doing something he shouldnt have been. Thats all on him.
(2) he doesnt want to work and doesnt want to parent his child? This is the fish you want to fry.
(3) it takes nothing to answer your text "bumped into a colleague, will be home soon".

Soubriquet · 15/11/2017 13:43

Hmmm I think you were a touch unreasonable in calling

3 hours isn't that long.

But he is definitely unreasonable for breaking rules at work and potentially putting himself in danger

AnnaleeP · 15/11/2017 13:44

I don't think you did anything wrong.

3 hours for a trip that should have taken 1 at the most. Of course you wanted to know where he was!

He was distracting his mate who should have been working and they were both in an area they shouldn't have been. That's still wrong whether the manager found them or not.

He sounds like an arse who won't take responsibility tbh.

Original poster
Butteflysarehere · 15/11/2017 13:44

He doesn't get another job because he doesn't want to work at all. I work and DD is in Nursery but we couldn't afford Nursery if he quit his job so he'd have to be a SAHP.

If the manager had seen him on the shop floor or the staff canteen he wouldn't have said/done anything as he was allowed to be there

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 15/11/2017 13:46

Taking the fact he breached his company rules aside and what you said about him not wanting to work which makes him sound like a lazy twat, I think yabu to phone his work on his day off to look for him.

Kentnurse2015 · 15/11/2017 13:46

3 hours going out for essentials?! He was taking the piss. Of course you would wonder where he was after all that time. And he was breaking workplace rules so he has to take responsibility for his own actions.

chronicallylate38 · 15/11/2017 13:47

I agree with Nap - on the face of it, it's a bit unreasonable to chase someone after 3 hours, but OTOH, sounds to me like your DH is a bit of a lazy loafer. Why would you put up with someone who's life goal is to do the bare minimum? Not much of a role model.

BenLui · 15/11/2017 13:47

He sounds like a real prize.

notanurse2017 · 15/11/2017 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chronicallylate38 · 15/11/2017 13:48

why doesn't he try working on qualifications to get himself a better job op? why've you settled for this prince charming?

CanuckBC · 15/11/2017 13:50

What an ass! If him being gone longer then normal for a shop is not typical
I would have started worrying as well, anxiety at its best😔 It would have taken him 5 seconds if that to texts at the beginning of is meet up to say hey, met y, hanging out, will be home later.

What was he thinking putting his employment in jeopardy being in an area he is it supposed to be in? Deduction says it’s the one area they can hide and mess around without typically being caught out.

Does he help in other areas at home if he doesn’t like helping with your child? He does t like working, doesn’t want to help parent... What does he like and except of adulthood? What do you get out of your relationship?

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2017 13:50

I think you were unreasonable to phone the shop to check up on him. He's not a child.

FilledSoda · 15/11/2017 13:50

You phoned his boss !
I would have been furious

Original poster
Butteflysarehere · 15/11/2017 13:52

He's great with DD and loves her but like me doesn't want to be SAHP. He also does 50% of the housework.

He doesn't want to go back to college or anything either, I think he likes the idea of being at home with only housework to do but it don't work like that when you've got DC.

OP posts:
KathArtic · 15/11/2017 13:53

I assume you know he is a shirker and knew he would be up to no good tossing it off somewhere, getting someone else into trouble,.

If my Dh popped to the local shop and was gone 3 hours damned right I would be looking for him to make sure he was ok.

You can do better!

pog100 · 15/11/2017 13:54

I know it isn't relevant to your question but maybe it is. Why on earth do you want to be with a man who doesn't want to work? He sounds like an immature idiot all round and I very much doubt it is is going to be a stable partner and role model for your children.

chronicallylate38 · 15/11/2017 13:56

just sounds a bit dismal op, you've got a DP who's lifetime ambition is to shuffle around the house and do a bit of housework from time to time.

To be fair, I sometimes have this ambition but i wouldn't do it because it's not fair to my DH who is slogging his guts out. He needs to aim a bit higher than working his current job for the rest of his life if he hates it, surely?

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