Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

WIBU to get DH in trouble at work?

123 replies

Butteflysarehere · 15/11/2017 13:33

This was few months ago but still comes up in arguments so wanted to know if I did the wrong thing.

DH works in the local supermarket. The job itself is a cause of contention for DH as he hates working and only works because he knows if he gave his job up he'd have to be a SAHP to our DD which he doesn't want to be.

Anyway, on this particular day he wasn't working. We needed something from the shop (bread and milk possibly and DH will likely have needed cigarettes) and DH offered to go.

The shop is half a mile from our house so he should of been gone no more than an hour as even when he's not working he can take his shopping into the staff canteen and use the till there, 1.5hours at a push.

When he hadn't come home 3 hours later and having not had a response to my calls or texts, I decided to call the shop to see if he was still there. I didn't think it was a police matter unless the manager couldn't find him.

The manager was very understanding and said he'd have a quick look around. 30 mins after calling the manager he called me back to say he'd located DH but he will be delayed for a few more minutes as he wanted a word with him.

DH came home an hour after the phone call from the manager saying he and his friend had been found in the delivery bay chatting. His friend was supposed to be working at the time and no-one but specific members of staff are allowed in the delivery bay as it's apparently quite a dangerous area.

The manager pulled both DH and his friend in front of the General Store Manager about this. DH got a warning for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and also for distracting a colleague from his job. His friend got into trouble for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and for not working when he was supposed to be. Both were given written warnings for this.

DH thinks I was UR for calling the store, and asking for him. He says I should of just kept calling and texting him as he'd have eventually seen his phone and picked up. I thought I was in the right as I was at home worried with DD (who was 18m at the time) and had I gone looking for him I'd have not found him anyway as the delivery bay isn't accessible by the public.

So WIBU to call the shop? And if I was what should I do if there is a next time? I did tell him it was very irresponsible when he got in, that a) he was in the delivery bay when he shouldn't be but also b) because he didn't let me know if/when he was coming home

OP posts:

maddiemookins16mum · 15/11/2017 14:44

Leaving aside the whole he doesn't want to work issue (which could have been left out of the story as it just distracts from the main oart)....YWBU to phone the shop to find out where he was, it was a bit over the top and I'd have been mortified had my DP done that.

Chewbecca · 15/11/2017 14:45

You were both being unreasonable.

He shouldn't have been breaking work rules
You shouldn't have rung looking for him.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/11/2017 14:46

He's not a child
He dicks about at his workplace breaking health and safety rules and distracts a colleague resulting in a written warning, are you sure he's not a child? He sounds incredibly immature.

berliozwooler · 15/11/2017 14:47

I don't think you did anything wrong, OP, and DP sounds like an idiot.

Ttbb · 15/11/2017 14:51

So your DH was basically being a shit and got in trouble as a result and is now blaming you for it? Attractive.

RagingFemininist · 15/11/2017 14:51

Well I wouldnt have rung becaus I wouldn’t have expected anyone in the shop to spend time looking for him.
In effect, I would have expected a bollocking from the manager to ME for disturbing him for something that has nothing to do with him.

But your DH is unreasonable. He is basically trying to shift the responsibility of him being where he shouldn’t be and chatting away onto you. And that’s not on. Is it a pattern that is happening often? When what he does is suddenlynyour fault/responsibility when he is the one who has done things wrong/forgot/whatever else it can be??

And tbh, 3 hours for a loaf of bread, he is taking the piss. He must have been chatting with colleagues for hours!
And yes I would have been concerned that sometj8ng had happened because

I wouldn’t expect him to spend hours chatting to his colleagues (as he would be clearly disturbing them)
if he had then been asked to help out on something, I would have expected a phone call, so that, you know, I wasn’t getting worried about what had happened to him.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 15/11/2017 14:57

He's annoyed because he got caught and had to face the consequences for his actions.

He would not have ended up in this situation if:
He'd taken a reasonable amount of time to run the errand,
Had been contactable directly/ kept you updated,
Hadn't been out of bounds in a high risk area and wasting the company time of his colleague.

If DH was missing a couple of hours beyond a short errand and was being uncontactable, then I would consider it reasonable to contact someone more likely to know of his whereabouts.

sonjadog · 15/11/2017 14:58

It he were a normal, mature, functioning adult, then ringing his work to find out where he was is unreasonable, as it texting and ringing his phone repeatedly. That is not acceptable behaviour between equals.

But your partner is a man who doesn´t want to work, doesn´t want to take care of his child, just wants to potter around. I suspect your behaviour is a result of having put up with him for years.

Your relationship with him doesn´t sound like a good one. Have you got into patterns of communication that are unhealthy?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 15/11/2017 14:59

‘He was only gone 3 hours’

Um, yes it’s ‘only’ 3 hours if he’d gone out with mates or shopping for a full grocery shop or clothes shopping etc.

3 hours for bread and milk and no response to calls and texts? YWNBU op and I’m surprised that so many people would not wonder where their OH is in a similar situation.

QueenUnicorn · 15/11/2017 15:02

I wouldn't have called the manager, he's an adult and it was 3 hours...
I don't think what he did was that bad, he probably breached health and safety rules but in reality there was probably not much risk.
What's most unreasonable from him is not answering his phone!

paxillin · 15/11/2017 15:03

Someone who needs such close supervision will never hold down a job for long.

He sounds like Peter from Family Guy.

RagingFemininist · 15/11/2017 15:03

Oh they would Illstart.
But the MN rule is that you should always be able to do whatever you want, incl taking 3 hours for a max 1 hour errant, because otherwise the pitcher person is just controlling.

In the real world, people get in touch to say they will Be late and get worried when their partner takes much much longer than expected.
3 hours is nearly half a day fgs! A whole morning of afternoon....

whiskyowl · 15/11/2017 15:05

Jesus Christ - YANBU. And your DH needs to grow up and take some responsibility.

Jaxhog · 15/11/2017 15:09

Well, he's the idiot here. He must have known he shouldn't have been in the loading bay. Why was he there? If he said he'd only be an hour or so, how were you to know he wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere when you didn't hear after 3 or more hours?

So he isn't apologetic for worrying you. Just annoyed he got caught doing something he shouldn't.

PS. Why on earth are you having babies with such a lazy, selfish git?

chronicallylate38 · 15/11/2017 15:10

one of my family was with a DP that sounds like yours - except he used to take to burgling etc in between bouts of working as a side venture. She stuck with him for 10 long years because of her DD, and eventually after a lot of him promising to reform, giving him another chance, they split. He found someone on disability to live with and scrounge off, and my family member found a nice bloke with his own flat who worked hard for a living and never looked back.

My only sadness is my family member never had another child because she spent too long trying to make things work with the deadbeat and she was too old by the time she gave up on him (he was a good dad and a caring person too, although absolutely bone idle, happy to nick things and sponge off the people he cared about).

Sound familiar?

ButchyRestingFace · 15/11/2017 15:10

I would have worried about someone who'd only nipped down the road to pick up some bread, milk and a packet of fags and weren't back within 3 hours or answering text messages/call.

I wouldn't have worried about your husband though, cos he sounds like a fud.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2017 15:15

You would really have rung the police after such a short space of time?

And why was he messing about in the delivery area with his mate? Is he 12?

Swizzlesticks23 · 15/11/2017 15:15

Is this about your son or your dh.

Either way you shouldn't have called. Sorry

ptumbi · 15/11/2017 15:21

What will happen whenyour dc is school age OP? Therefore won't need a SAHP?

Perfect opportunity for 'd'H to 'lose his job' and 'not be able to find another'...

A friend of mine has such a knob dh; she works all hours and does the housework while he knobs about/plays PS4/drinks.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/11/2017 15:31

Some men seem to be able to get away with this sort of lazy, parastic way of living for quite a while. Often they are very good looking, or have a lot of charm - or they are amazing between the sheets. It all tends to unravel once there's a baby in the picture, though. Good looks and shagging skills become less relevant to a new mum, and the man becomes a burden rather than a delight. Also, these charming chaps quite often don't realise in time that they are a bit too old for the women they are hitting on, and the manchild act is starting to look ridiculous rather than endearing... Sounds like OP's getting there quicker than many other women do.

BewareOfDragons · 15/11/2017 15:53

Quite the winner you've picked to father your child ...

So judgment is lacking in both sides...

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/11/2017 17:20

What a catch, lack of a work ethic would put me right off. I couldn't be with someone who wanted to be kept by another.

I wouldn't have called the store, it was an OTT action given he works there so chatting with colleagues etc naturally happens.

MistressDeeCee · 15/11/2017 18:50

No, I wouldn't have gone to the shop. Yes he was gone a good while which would've pissed me off but I'd have kept calling him for a bit, then just waited. I'm sure a lot of people have gone round the corner to have a quick chat with a workmate when they likely shouldn't have. So what? & if they were in the delivery bay I'm sure they weren't standing there putting themselves in danger, why would they? I've popped in to see workmates before when it's not my working day, if I'm passing by and want a quick word with someone in particular.

Nobody is pious at work all the time. There is some social leeway. Well, jobsworths and snitches who watch others and want to get them in trouble, maybe.

Maybe your DH doesn't want to be a SAHP. So...? It's not as if he's lounging around trying to get out of it. He has a job. He works. & yes he should've answered his phone but, honestly? Im one that's not glued to my mobile. I don't want to be. I grew up perfectly well before mobiles existed and could track down anyone I needed to see urgently, if need be.

If your DH went out very late at night and hadn't returned in hours, I could understand your concern. But it doesn't sound as if it was this type of situation so I don't know why you're in monitoring mode.

I'd only expect OH to turn up at my workplace if he couldn't get through to me AND there was an emergency.

But "I've got a baby" means most will agree with you and somewhere along the line you'd be advised to LTB too.

MistressDeeCee · 15/11/2017 19:00

Some of these thread comments.. ! Working class snobbery is so crass. So even tho he gets up and goes to work he is lazy, useless, a shirker, not a prize, oh why doesn't he get himself more qualifications etc. It's all because he works in a store. & that's deemed not good enough.

I know people who've worked in retail for years, it doesn't make them a lesser person. We dont all have to be goal and career driven and we can't all be in high-flying jobs either. Who do you think is going to do retail work, robots?

So he's not good enough due to his job type, his boss is phoned as he's been out of the house for THREE, not 10 hours, and then the perfectly pious brigade are sounding off about breach of company rules

Christ.

Get him a tracking device OP. Problem solved.

foxyloxy78 · 15/11/2017 19:08

You've married a man-child. Of course three hours is too long to go to the shop to pick up essentials. Plus he was not answering his phone. Ultimate twat. Deserves what he gets.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5