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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to get DH in trouble at work?

123 replies

Butteflysarehere · 15/11/2017 13:33

This was few months ago but still comes up in arguments so wanted to know if I did the wrong thing.

DH works in the local supermarket. The job itself is a cause of contention for DH as he hates working and only works because he knows if he gave his job up he'd have to be a SAHP to our DD which he doesn't want to be.

Anyway, on this particular day he wasn't working. We needed something from the shop (bread and milk possibly and DH will likely have needed cigarettes) and DH offered to go.

The shop is half a mile from our house so he should of been gone no more than an hour as even when he's not working he can take his shopping into the staff canteen and use the till there, 1.5hours at a push.

When he hadn't come home 3 hours later and having not had a response to my calls or texts, I decided to call the shop to see if he was still there. I didn't think it was a police matter unless the manager couldn't find him.

The manager was very understanding and said he'd have a quick look around. 30 mins after calling the manager he called me back to say he'd located DH but he will be delayed for a few more minutes as he wanted a word with him.

DH came home an hour after the phone call from the manager saying he and his friend had been found in the delivery bay chatting. His friend was supposed to be working at the time and no-one but specific members of staff are allowed in the delivery bay as it's apparently quite a dangerous area.

The manager pulled both DH and his friend in front of the General Store Manager about this. DH got a warning for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and also for distracting a colleague from his job. His friend got into trouble for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and for not working when he was supposed to be. Both were given written warnings for this.

DH thinks I was UR for calling the store, and asking for him. He says I should of just kept calling and texting him as he'd have eventually seen his phone and picked up. I thought I was in the right as I was at home worried with DD (who was 18m at the time) and had I gone looking for him I'd have not found him anyway as the delivery bay isn't accessible by the public.

So WIBU to call the shop? And if I was what should I do if there is a next time? I did tell him it was very irresponsible when he got in, that a) he was in the delivery bay when he shouldn't be but also b) because he didn't let me know if/when he was coming home

OP posts:

Shinesweetfreedom · 15/11/2017 13:57

Why are you with him?
If he was to be a sahp could you even trust him with the child.
Think you need to think about this

blackteasplease · 15/11/2017 13:57

He was definitely very unreasonable l. He was in breach of the rules, not you.

Maybe it wasn't ideal for you to ring the store so quickly but he is in the wrong.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2017 13:57

On one hand he sounds like a total nugget, a prince amongst men, doesn’t want to work doesn’t want to look after his kid. Goes out for a few essentials and doesn’t come back for three hours, breaks the rules at work, blames his wife because he was caught.

On the other hand, I’m if I was married to someone of this ilk, I doubt I’d have phoned the shop. You must know what he’s like. He clearly lacks any form of personal responsibility so couldn’t be expected to check his phone or give a shit. I’d personally be horrified if my husband phoned my work looking for me, but then I would have checked my phone so he wouldn’t have the need.

So what attracted you to this fine specimen of a human?

SonicBoomBoom · 15/11/2017 13:58

Doesn't sound like anything is his fault. Ever.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/11/2017 13:59

You did the right thing - he was taking the piss out of you and his workplace.
He knew he was taking longer than he should so he could have just dropped you a quick text - but he chose not to.

Probably cos he knew you'd tell him to get back home and he wanted to avoid any parenting/household duties for as long as possible.

Surely he's aware that his employers insurance doesn't cover him for being in the delivery bay when he's not on shift?
Had either of them been hurt it's his manager who would have been held responsible for not ensuring security protocols were being adhered to.

By the way, delivery bay is where a lot of theft takes place too by staff members - if they are the type......

Dagnabit · 15/11/2017 14:00

So he wants to stay at home and do 30 mins of housework a day then sit on his arse doing nothing? He should be grateful that you have helped him get closer to being sacked! For the record, I think you were premature in calling but he shouldn't have been in the delivery bay so his hard luck.

pasturesgreen · 15/11/2017 14:02

I didn't think it was a police matter unless the manager couldn't find him

Jesus Christ! Are you usually so dramatic? He is a (presumably) competent adult who was gone slightly longer than you expected. YABU.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/11/2017 14:04

OK YWBU to check up on him like that. It's fairly controlling - and as PP have said, you must have known he was likely to chat to a friend and take his time.

However, you've got bigger problems than that. You've given him a great excuse to skive off and fuck up at work until he gets the sack, because he will then be able to claim it's all your fault that he lost the job and 'can't get another one'. Men like this, lazy tossers who don't want to work, get worse, not better and your resentment will grow. Is there anything he does want to do, that he could at least train for? Is he good at managing money, or does he tend to buy treats for himself with his wages, no matter how tight things are?

It's fair enough to know that supermarket work is badly paid and sometimes exploitatively so, and that one shitty minimum wage job after another isn't necessarily the only way to live your life, but an adult member of a household needs to contribute something, whether that's waged work, domestic work or childcare.

paxillin · 15/11/2017 14:06

Well, you will have to feed him anyway once the kids are school age by the sound of it. Rather than supervise and control him, I'd consider dumping. At least make it perfectly clear now you won't be feeding him as a stay-at-home-not-dad in later years.

Nicknacky · 15/11/2017 14:08

Would you have honestly contacted the police if he hadn't been there?

CoxxoC · 15/11/2017 14:11

Yes, you were a bit unreasonable ringing the shop but he was twice as unreasonable for being in the delivery bay when off shift and failing to let you know he would be later than reasonably expected.

His two unreasonable acts directly led to yours so - he definitely needs to drop it now...and grow up.

BMW6 · 15/11/2017 14:13

Have I got this right?
He doesn't want to work (and it sounds like he's likely to be sacked in the future), nor does he want to be a SAHD?
Who does he think will put food in his mouth and a roof over his head? (Let alone his child's)

Glumglowworm · 15/11/2017 14:14

He sounds like a prince among men doesn't want to work, doesn't want to look after his child, is a lazy arse in general.

HWBU for breaking the rules at work

YWBU for phoning his boss, who does that because a grown adult is a bit late?!

HIBU to blame you because he broke the rules

But honestly, he sounds a total waste of space and you'd be better off without him

Herbcake · 15/11/2017 14:15

it don't work like that when you've got DC

It doesn't work like that AT ALL unless you've got a trust fund or something.

LakieLady · 15/11/2017 14:15

Lazy fuckwit, serves him bloody well right. If he hadn't been in the wrong place, it wouldn't have mattered that you rang the store.

Ringing the store is a bit control freaky, tbh, but given that he's a skiving shitbag, I can understand the need for control.

If he wants you to stop checking up on him, he needs to stop taking 3 hours to do a one-hour job.

Oddmanout · 15/11/2017 14:16

I think you were definitely BU even if he hadn't been somewhere he shouldn't have been he was still going to get a rollicking from his manager as they're not there to chase down staff when their mum wife calls

Eliza9917 · 15/11/2017 14:19

The job itself is a cause of contention for DH as he hates working and only works because he knows if he gave his job up he'd have to be a SAHP to our DD which he doesn't want to be.

Personally, I'd leave him based on this attitude alone.

I'd say he's BU and some posters are just being mean calling you crazy, as if H2B went out and told me he was going to the shop and coming straight back, then didn't - and wasn't answering his phone or texts - I'd be worried too, any normal person would, but then my H2B always responds straight away pretty much, unless he's driving.

SilverySurfer · 15/11/2017 14:25

I don't think YWBU but I wouldn't have called, mainly because I would not be in a relationship with someone so devoid of get up and go and zero working ethos, who only works because he doesn't want to be a stay at home parent He's not what you would call a catch is he?

bettytaghetti · 15/11/2017 14:27

Think I would be wondering who the 'friend' was that he was loitering with in the delivery bay, who was so distracting that he didn't notice his phone ringing/messages. Think there may be more to why they were disciplined.

Iwantamarshmallow · 15/11/2017 14:27

YANU . DH broke the rules not you. Of course you were worried after 3 hrs .I don’t think calling the shop was unreasonable . I think it’s odd he didn’t answer the phone, and the managers reaction seems a little extreme. Are you there isn’t more to this story? Could the other member of staff have been a woman?

notangelinajolie · 15/11/2017 14:36

Re work. Your DH got into trouble for doing something he knows he is not allowed - his problem.

Re calling his work. Not something I would ever do. He is not a child.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/11/2017 14:38

I think it’s odd he didn’t answer the phone, and the managers reaction seems a little extreme. Are you there isn’t more to this story? Could the other member of staff have been a woman?

This is exactly what I thought.

Phoning his manager after 3 hours is weird though. Was something time constrained about to happen, like you going to work, or a nappy change with no nappies in the house?

I'm surprised the manager was willing to search, I'm sure he had plenty of actual work to keep himself busy instead of chasing around the store looking for someone who is a bit late home who may or may not be in the store. I suspect he immediately suspect that your DH was there and was up to no good. He was right.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2017 14:40

Who does he think will put food in his mouth and a roof over his head? (Let alone his child's)

The op and the tax payer of course.

Ribrabrob · 15/11/2017 14:42

This is a bit bizarre, plus you just sound really dramatic. I think you were both unreasonable really, although you more so. He was only gone three hours!

Crunchymum · 15/11/2017 14:42

Why was it a Police matter?

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