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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to get DH in trouble at work?

123 replies

Butteflysarehere · 15/11/2017 13:33

This was few months ago but still comes up in arguments so wanted to know if I did the wrong thing.

DH works in the local supermarket. The job itself is a cause of contention for DH as he hates working and only works because he knows if he gave his job up he'd have to be a SAHP to our DD which he doesn't want to be.

Anyway, on this particular day he wasn't working. We needed something from the shop (bread and milk possibly and DH will likely have needed cigarettes) and DH offered to go.

The shop is half a mile from our house so he should of been gone no more than an hour as even when he's not working he can take his shopping into the staff canteen and use the till there, 1.5hours at a push.

When he hadn't come home 3 hours later and having not had a response to my calls or texts, I decided to call the shop to see if he was still there. I didn't think it was a police matter unless the manager couldn't find him.

The manager was very understanding and said he'd have a quick look around. 30 mins after calling the manager he called me back to say he'd located DH but he will be delayed for a few more minutes as he wanted a word with him.

DH came home an hour after the phone call from the manager saying he and his friend had been found in the delivery bay chatting. His friend was supposed to be working at the time and no-one but specific members of staff are allowed in the delivery bay as it's apparently quite a dangerous area.

The manager pulled both DH and his friend in front of the General Store Manager about this. DH got a warning for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and also for distracting a colleague from his job. His friend got into trouble for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and for not working when he was supposed to be. Both were given written warnings for this.

DH thinks I was UR for calling the store, and asking for him. He says I should of just kept calling and texting him as he'd have eventually seen his phone and picked up. I thought I was in the right as I was at home worried with DD (who was 18m at the time) and had I gone looking for him I'd have not found him anyway as the delivery bay isn't accessible by the public.

So WIBU to call the shop? And if I was what should I do if there is a next time? I did tell him it was very irresponsible when he got in, that a) he was in the delivery bay when he shouldn't be but also b) because he didn't let me know if/when he was coming home

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/11/2017 19:27

He sounds a total manchild. I'd be pissed off too if a simple errand took three hours.

Hmmalittlefishy · 15/11/2017 19:38

mistressdeecee noone is criticising the op's dh for his choice of work or the fact that he doesn't want to be a stay at home parent.
It is the fact he doesn't want to do either that is the issue.
So op would therefore be expected to work and pay for childcare for their dc while he does...... Nothing.
I do agree I wouldn't have phoned his work after 3hours either though

CougheeBean · 15/11/2017 19:53

I reckon YANBU.

The shop is HALF A MILE AWAY Shock my local shop 0.5 miles away, to go for bread would take 40 minutes max even with a big queue. I’d be worried too - it’s a courtesy to let you know his plans and for all you know he could have been in an accident etc.

I don’t know if I would have called his boss but if it’s a local shop and you know the staff why not? He’s the one who broke the rules, you didn’t cause this trouble for him.

Neverender · 15/11/2017 20:03

You’ve done nothing wrong here! Regardless of whether he’s got into trouble or not, your intention was not to do that, but to make sure he was ok.

Theresnonamesleft · 15/11/2017 20:04

You called the store?
Fucking hell.
I cannot get over you called the store.
Thankfully I have no one to answer to.
I have often gone out to do simple errands and got caught up chatting to people along the way. The shop is about 5 minutes away, and I have gone home hours later. There’s even been occasions that I didn’t even pick up the what ever.

I am not glued to my mobile. I often turn it
Onto silent and forget I have done this.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 15/11/2017 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idontevencareanymore · 15/11/2017 20:10

You phoned his store where he went to buy food, got his manager to look for someone who's not even working that day?
I'd be raging you did that tbh.
If my husband doesn't answer his phone I certainly don't go calling his colleagues to check up on him.

So yeah, I'd be annoyed at you for even calling. No matter what went after.

waterrat · 15/11/2017 20:13

I cant get over him leaving the house to get bread and being gone for 3 hours

Kentnurse2015 · 15/11/2017 20:14

If I needed to pop into work for something then a round trip would be less than an hour. If I left my DH at home waiting for me and was still out and uncontactable after 3 HOURS(!) then yes, damn right my husband would be in the right to phone and check if I was still there. Especially if he's at home with our child. It would be pretty obvious I would be taking the piss. I'm amazed at people who think 3 hours to run a simple errand with no contact about a change of plans is acceptable!

missymayhemsmum · 15/11/2017 20:19

You have a husband you neither respect nor trust by the sound of it, and are trying to keep him under remote control, which is u. But it's not your fault he was in the delivery bay when he should have been on his way home with the shopping.

3 hours is nothing. My exh went for milk and a bag of nappies once with our last fiver, met a mate, went for a pint, came back 3 days later. Apparently he couldn't come back sooner as I would have shouted at him!

MistressDeeCee · 15/11/2017 20:20

Hmma in my perfect world I wouldn't work - I don't WANT to work But, I do. As I need to live. If you surveyed people and said do you WANT to work - a lot would say NO - but they do work, as they need to live. So why on earth should there be any moralising on thread around this aspect? We aren't at mind-control stage there are loads of people out there who don't love what they do. But they function.

People give petty reasons, telling easily led posters to dump their DH, and it's getting entirely ridiculous. I can bet many aren't sitting at home with the perfect man.

There are plenty of posts on Relationships boards re men who do not work, do not help with housework. I was curious on this post re how a person is lazy and a shirker etc yet has a job, and was missing for 3 daytime hours as an adult and that's worthy of such scorn in comparison to anything else he may have done?

I went to Westfield last Friday meant to stay couple of hours, ended up double that as bumped into a mate, we stood chatting then went for coffee. OH was at home. Shockingly even tho I'd said I'd be back in couple of hours as needed to get stuff done at home - he didn't call. He didn't think of contacting the police. I came back early evening. & life went on. No monitoring needed.

& the remarks I made are based on comments that are within this thread - they're not made up. So it is 100% sneering, crass working class snobbery regarding a man not being good enough as he works in a supermarket

I hope there's a way thru for you & your DH, OP. Maybe or maybe not. But I hope you don't base your decision on pages and pages of people looking down on your DH. As he's seemingly not ambitious or clever enough for delicate tastes and a supermarket job...well...that's beyond the pale, isn't it..

Rachie1973 · 15/11/2017 20:23

I didn't think it was a police matter unless the manager couldn't find him.

The police would have told you to wait substantially longer!

What on earth are you thinking of chasing down a grown man after 3 hours?!? No wonder he behaves like a child, you treat him like one!

LIZS · 15/11/2017 20:27

Separate the issues:
Yabu to ring his work just because he didn't answer his phone. Does he have history for going awol or behaving in a less than trustworthy manner?
He is bu for blaming you for him being caught distracting his mate and where he had no right to be off duty (there are insurance and trust issues he should have been aware of) . Yanbu for being annoyed that he would rather spend his time doing that than coming home to spend time with you.
He sounds like he does bare minimum to skate by tbh. Perhaps his life is too comfortable with you taking care to provide and housekeep for him.

GabsAlot · 15/11/2017 20:30

he sounds lik a tit but u cant ring his manager when hes not even on a shift just so u can find him

i have anxiety so know how it feels but that does sound ott

Dozer · 15/11/2017 20:37

He was U to be gone so long and ignore your messages.

He was U to hang out for hours with his workmate while they were working in a restricted area.

You were U to phone his employer.

Rachie1973 · 15/11/2017 20:43

I'm not sure why people are knocking him for not wanting to work? I know a lot of people that would rather not work if they could get away with it. I'm not really 100% sure I'd want my job if I had a choice. The fact is though, I do my job because I need to earn. OP's partner IS working, even if he doesn't like it.

As for not wanting to be a SAHP..... Again, I know people who have babies and can't wait to get back to work! They love their children, but hate the idea of being at home all the time. There's nothing wrong with that either.

MammaTJ · 15/11/2017 20:49

I will say the same to you as I said to the lady who was sexually assaulted by her friends husband, who then said she was worried about reporting him as it would get him in trouble, and she did not want to be responsible for that and that was 'You reporting him did not get him into trouble, his behaviour did'.

It really is as simple as that. If he had not done wrong, he could not have been caught doing wrong!

RebelRogue · 15/11/2017 20:55

He’s a dick for messing about at work even if not on shift. He also is one for not wanting to work or be a SAHD. Tough titties.

You are a dick for ringing his work and getting his manager to look for him.

Neither of you sounds particularly happy.

HolyShmoly · 15/11/2017 20:56

I think if DH went to the shop for bread and milk and still wasn't home after 3 hours or answering his phone or texts I'd be pissed off. especially if I thought he was wasting time so he wouldn't have to do any housework
If I was friends with his boss or colleague I might send them a text asking if twatface was still there as I was starting to get concerned. I don't know if I'd call his boss and get him to go hunting round the store though. I definitely wouldn't be considering the police. So I think ywb a bit u.

However there's nothing to say his boss or someone else wouldn't have walked into the delivery bay at any time and still caught them and they would have been up for the exact same disciplinary. His actions are on him. He got himself into trouble, you just shone the spotlight on it.

Charlottelouisa · 15/11/2017 20:57

Wow you are very controlling.
Shock

OlennasWimple · 15/11/2017 21:02

I can't even imagine thinking that calling the store was a sensible thing to do. And why the manager agreed to go and look for him (unless he suspected that he would have been hanging around where he shouldn't have been...)

Notevilstepmother · 15/11/2017 21:03

You didn’t get him into trouble, he got himself into trouble by being where he shouldn’t be.

SavageBeauty73 · 15/11/2017 21:12

Why on earth did you ring his work???? He could have bumped into someone for a chat. I wouldn't be able to cope with that level of control.

StickThatInYourPipe · 15/11/2017 21:37

Tbh I could leave the house for a quick job then end up being a lot longer. Normally i will be sat in the car on the phone or have thought of something else I need and pop off to get that too. If I bumped into someone I knew I could easily chat to them for a while or go grab a coffee.

I would be seriously unimpressed if my dp then started calling my boss (or mates or whatever) to see where I was. It seems really quite controlling.

That being said, you didn’t force him to break his employers rules so that’s not your fault, but I do think calling the shop was really quite awful. It would make me a laughing stock at my place!

itsbetterthanabox · 16/11/2017 00:09

How is worrying about him controlling? I’m assuming she wanted to know he was there so she knew nothing bad had happened say on his way back.
3 hours is a lot longer than he said he’d be. Anything can happen and it’s not ridiculous to worry in that situation.
Phoning his work meant she could check he was ok, it’s not her fault he was messing about.