WIBU to get DH in trouble at work?

[Butteflysarehere]

This was few months ago but still comes up in arguments so wanted to know if I did the wrong thing.

DH works in the local supermarket. The job itself is a cause of contention for DH as he hates working and only works because he knows if he gave his job up he'd have to be a SAHP to our DD which he doesn't want to be.

Anyway, on this particular day he wasn't working. We needed something from the shop (bread and milk possibly and DH will likely have needed cigarettes) and DH offered to go.

The shop is half a mile from our house so he should of been gone no more than an hour as even when he's not working he can take his shopping into the staff canteen and use the till there, 1.5hours at a push.

When he hadn't come home 3 hours later and having not had a response to my calls or texts, I decided to call the shop to see if he was still there. I didn't think it was a police matter unless the manager couldn't find him.

The manager was very understanding and said he'd have a quick look around. 30 mins after calling the manager he called me back to say he'd located DH but he will be delayed for a few more minutes as he wanted a word with him.

DH came home an hour after the phone call from the manager saying he and his friend had been found in the delivery bay chatting. His friend was supposed to be working at the time and no-one but specific members of staff are allowed in the delivery bay as it's apparently quite a dangerous area.

The manager pulled both DH and his friend in front of the General Store Manager about this. DH got a warning for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and also for distracting a colleague from his job. His friend got into trouble for being in the delivery bay when he's not allowed and for not working when he was supposed to be. Both were given written warnings for this.

DH thinks I was UR for calling the store, and asking for him. He says I should of just kept calling and texting him as he'd have eventually seen his phone and picked up. I thought I was in the right as I was at home worried with DD (who was 18m at the time) and had I gone looking for him I'd have not found him anyway as the delivery bay isn't accessible by the public.

So WIBU to call the shop? And if I was what should I do if there is a next time? I did tell him it was very irresponsible when he got in, that a) he was in the delivery bay when he shouldn't be but also b) because he didn't let me know if/when he was coming home

He sounds great. Awesome role model.

You WBVU ringing his boss/work. How embarrassing for him, everyone will hear about that and think its hilarious. He isn't a child and you aren't his keeper. 3 hours isn't that long and it sounds controlling that you expect him to be accountable to you hour by hour. That aside everything else is down to him.

Hmm - if he had an illness where being missing for a few hours could lead to him fainting i would understand you calling the workplace. My father has a tumour in his brain and is on lifelong medication, if he is missing for more than 1 hour without anyone knowing where he is, we have to call the police and the ambulance because the medication he is on renders him confused/causes paralysis.

However - your DH does not have any issues (like my dad and some people) - he was just gone for longer than expected. Calling his workplace is awfully controlling - dont you trust him OP? And - he doesnt want to work but wont give up work because he doesnt want to look after his OWN CHILD at home? that would be a concern of mine!

If someone’s gone to the shop for bread and milk it’s probably not controlling to call and say where the f are you after 3 hours.

Did you all miss the bit where she said he went shopping for things they needed?

I’d be phoning saying where’s my milk and bread, I want a sandwich and a cup of tea.

Not to mention she’s looking after his child while he disappears for 3 hours.

Controlling is phoning your partner after an hour when he said he’d be gone for 3, not the other way round.

Exactly @Notevilstepmother!!

But it is one thing to chase the awol partner, another to involve his boss in chasing him.

I would be so embarrassed if I’d popped into work on my day and OH rang to try and track me down! YWBVU for doing that.

As for him not wanting to work - so what? He goes and that’s what’s important. I enjoy my job and like my colleagues, but if I won the lottery, I would quit tomorrow and never go back. Huge amounts of people only work because they have to - it’s not some kind of moral failing. He works and provides even though he hates it - so what’s the problem?

But it is one thing to chase the awol partner, another to involve his boss in chasing him.

I disagree. I work in a large supermarket and we often have colleagues popping in after their shift to pick up a few bits.

If a colleagues partner rang a few hours after their shift and asked if I'd seen them because they werent contactable, hadn't said they'd be significantly late home, were due home hours ago, and the shop is the last place they knew their partner was ... I'd have no issue having a quick look round or letting them know if I'd seen them leave earlier.

In this case the OP's DH went out on a half hour errand, leaving the OP home alone with the DC but when 3 hours had passed and DH hadn't returned, hadn't called or messaged then it's not unreasonable to want to try other means of finding out where he is.

Fortunately for the OP, she knew her DH was running his errand at his work, where he would be known to all the other staff, so her first point of contact was the store expecting them to either say "Yes he's still here, chatting to the boss/colleagues" or "No, he was here but he was in and out in 10 minutes, definitely not here now" or "He was here but left chatting with someone a couple of hours ago". That way she could then know either where he was or to move on to the next step of trying to find him.

The OP wasn't calling his boss because he was the boss, she was calling because the store was the last place she knew her unresponsive DH was meant to be and she wanted to find out if he was still there.

Also, I work in a supermarket and our managers are pretty lax about you chatting with off duty colleagues/friends/family etc providing that we are not ignoring our job or making customers wait. 30 minutes chatting is pushing it, and that's without being in a restricted area they shouldn't be in.

Even with a lax policy a couple of my colleagues got into trouble the other week because they spent 40 minutes chatting with a friend who was in shopping. Whilst the store was very quiet and they did keep breaking off their chat to do their job when they were very occasionally needed, the manager felt it looked unprofessional for the workers to be chatting and gossiping extensively with a customer in front of other customers.

He doesn't get another job because he doesn't want to work at all

What, ever?

What a knob. So, when the kids are settled at school and there’s no nursery fees to be paid, does he intend to give up completely forever?

What a fun working life and relationship you’ve got to look forward to.

Well, as he has a wife and child he needs to be a bit more responsible and not bugger off for 3 hours when his outing was expected to take 1, without keeping you informed. Ignoring his phone when you're trying to get in touch is not on at all. If he behaved more responsibly you wouldn't have had to call his work to see if he was there.

Why is he a knob for not wanting to work? I don't get it.

He has a job. Lots of people hate their jobs and would jack it all in if they could afford to. That doesn't mean they're knobs, bad parents or idiots or anything.

Mumsnet might be quite a middle-class, career-orientated website but I know huge numbers of people who only work because they have to. It doesn't make them bad people. If I could afford to, I would happily give up work tomorrow and spend my life travelling, exploring new places and getting as many experiences in as possible.

Unfortunately, I have bills and a mortgage, so I go to work and use my annual leave to do those things. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would quit my job in a heartbeat. I don't think I'm unusual in that. OP's husband hates his job, but he still works and contributes. I don't see that he's doing anything wrong in that regard.

You phoned his store where he went to buy food, got his manager to look for someone who's not even working that day?
I'd be raging you did that tbh.

This.

How excruciatingly embarrassing for DP. Not to mention you are helping him on the road to being managed out of his current job

He doesn't get another job because he doesn't want to work at all. I work and DD is in Nursery but we couldn't afford Nursery if he quit his job so he'd have to be a SAHP

Deepest darkest Peru. That’s why he’s a knob. That’s hardly the same as wanting to quit work if you won the lottery.

I wouldn't have called his boss. Because I wouldn't be with him at all.

I think you have bigger issues jere. Your DH hates hia job but is too lazy to find something better as he doesnt want to work? He could also be a sahp but thats too much work so really he wants to be a lazy slob and so nothing. He sounds either genuinely depressed or totally useless for your family. Does he help out with ds or housework since you work?

I'm sorry, but how the arsing fuck does it take an hour, never mind three hours, to pick up milk, bread and cigs from a shop half a mile from home??? It takes me less than ten minutes to walk to my local Co Op, and I'm a short arse female in my late forties, not a bloke. I'd be there and back in 20 minutes tops. Are you literally married to a sloth?

If my DP called my work after me being gone for 3 hours I would be really annoyed.

YABU.

* That’s why he’s a knob. That’s hardly the same as wanting to quit work if you won the lottery.*

I still don’t see why it makes him a knob. Not everyone cares about a high flying career or fulfilling their earning potential. OP hasn’t suggested they’re on the bones of their arse. They both work full-time with a small child in nursery. He works retail just like millions of other parents out there.

MN has this weird obsession with progressing as much as possible in your career - but it can’t always work like that. Management normally means longer hours, unpaid overtime and early starts/late finishes. Not everyone can be a manager else who are they going to manage?

Well he was in the wrong place at the wrong time so he deserves his warning at work.

You, stalkertastic controlling OP, need to calm the feck down with the hunting for people.

That’s why he’s a knob. That’s hardly the same as wanting to quit work if you won the lottery.

I still don’t see why it makes him a knob. Not everyone cares about a high flying career or fulfilling their earning potential. OP hasn’t suggested they’re on the bones of their arse. They both work full-time with a small child in nursery. He works retail just like millions of other parents out there.

MN has this weird obsession with progressing as much as possible in your career - but it can’t always work like that. Management normally means longer hours, unpaid overtime and early starts/late finishes. Not everyone can be a manager else who are they going to manage?

How are people thinking the OP is a stalker and controlling? She is at home with Theo child waiting for groceries. They are not childless individuals free to do whatever they like! He went to get essentials and didn't return for 3 HOURS! That's a long time to wait for the shopping plus a very long time to entertain a child when you expect your other half to be back 'any minute'

I will repeat what I said earlier, if I went to work for something and didn't return for 3 whole hours when then journey would have taken less than 1, plus I didn't answer my phone, then damn right my husband should call my workplace to see if they knew where I was. There is nothing controlling in that whatsoever!

I'd love to see all these families where people just trundle out for many hours without speaking to their other half first. There mustn't be children involved and if there are then you are pretty selfish in my opinion

i agree kent, tend to think those that think the op is controlling are welcome to him when she finally bins him. Actually I don't think doing a job you 'hate' for years is in any way laudable. Make better choices - we're free, and it's draining to live with someone who hates their job for years.

If my DP called my work after me being gone for 3 hours I would be really annoyed.

Everyone is hung up on the fact the OP called his workplace.... but she didn't call his workplace, she called the place he said he was going, which just happened to be where he worked.

If he said he was going to the dry cleaners or to pick up a takeaway, if he had been gone 3 hours then the OP would probably have called them too to ask if DH had been in to collect their dry cleaning/food order yet and if they remembered when that had been.

Unfortunately for DH it was his workplace that he had gone to for the errand and so his actions had a professional repercussion but only because of his own actions.