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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling a bit sick at the thought of another Christmas alone?

159 replies

orangelemonlimegin · 14/11/2017 15:33

I promised myself last year this year would be different ... of course it isn't.

(Please don't suggest voluntary work. That's not what this post is.)

OP posts:
SueSueDonahue · 14/11/2017 19:29

I’d be upset if a friend of mine was feeling like this. Please reconsider reaching out to someone in your life.

I’d love extra people for Christmas. And friends are MUCH nicer than relatives 😂

I hope you think of something.

goingbonkers123 · 14/11/2017 19:36

Could you ask your friends to YOU on xmas eve or better Boxing Day? It’ll give you something to plan for and look forward to?

Failing that then there are loads of fantastic suggestions on this thread, I hope you give them a go.

Btw I met my DH on a walking social group

BananasAreGood · 14/11/2017 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesertSky · 14/11/2017 20:29

Can you book a couple of days away somewhere perhaps? A sunny destination would be lovely (!) but even a UK mini break in a country cottage with a lovely log fire, where you could wrap up and go on leisurely walks, stroll through pretty villages/towns and go to nice country pubs etc? I’m married with kids but to be honest a quaint cottage in the Peak District with a good book sounds pretty heaven like to me! x

VelvetSpoon · 14/11/2017 20:45

Dear god, some of the posts on here are horrifically patronising. Can you hear yourselves?! All this 'oh you can meet someone/ go to friends/ book a holiday ' platitudes.

OP, I get a little of where you're coming from, at least partly as I have no family. I've not spent Xmas with a parent for 20 years. That is shit. I hate all the Xmas is about families...not much consolation when you have no parents or siblings.

The thing about friends...well it's nice to imagine some Friends style set up where everyone lives nearby, you're all single and fabulous, and you have oh such a lovely time. Reality isn't like that. Often friends are not in the same boat. Their lives go in different directions. And really who wants to have to ASK to come over at Xmas? If the friends were that interested they'd offer. I used to offer my single friends to come to mine at Xmas. I appreciated they might not fancy it though but I wanted them to know the offer was there. Not that anyone ever invited me anywhere at Xmas (or New Year...)

OP, it is shit and I'm sorry. I understand the wanting it to be different. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't. One thing I can say for definite is that it doesn't matter how hard people try, sometimes things just dont work out as we hope. You can make huge efforts with internet dating, and never meet anyone suitable. Dating is not like looking for a job, effort doesn't automatically equal results. And anyone who says otherwise is talking out of their arse.

As to what to do at Xmas...I'd say buy yourself some nice food and drink, find a few box sets on Netflix (nothing romantic or schmaltzy) and just treat it like you're having a few quiet days off work, rather than it being Xmas.

Hope you have a decent time whatever you end up doing.

SD1978 · 14/11/2017 20:56

I understand it’s the feelings of where you are at the moment, not the actual current situation. You want the family Christmas, and can’t. All I will say, is look at what’s positive for you, and if you feel there isn’t much positive, try to work on it. This can be a very lonely time of year- I will be working Christmas, and will spend it with no one except work colleagues (who don’t want to be there)! And I’m ok with this, because I have to be. Christmas is the loneliest time of year, because it’s when people are usually busiest with family commitments, and less available for others, understandably. Hang in. You’re not alone, and try to find something that you enjoy doing, and do that xx

MadMags · 14/11/2017 20:58

As to what to do at Xmas...I'd say buy yourself some nice food and drink, find a few box sets on Netflix (nothing romantic or schmaltzy) and just treat it like you're having a few quiet days off work, rather than it being Xmas.

How is that any different to other posters making suggestions?

doodle01 · 14/11/2017 21:02

Bottom line is xmas is emotional blackmail don’t fall for it it’s just that the world stop well shops are shut

PeiPeiPing · 14/11/2017 21:04

Dear god, some of the posts on here are horrifically patronising. Can you hear yourselves?! All this 'oh you can meet someone/ go to friends/ book a holiday ' platitudes.

Jezus @VelvetSpoon calm down! People are doing their best and trying to help. No need to be so nasty to people.

Many people have given the OP many suggestions, some good, some maybe not so great for her, but people mean well. Hmm

Thing is, every suggestion people have thrown out there has been poo-pooed by the OP. I know she is feeling blue, and we have all been there (feeling shit/low/pissed off/lonely,) and the things people are suggesting are things THEY did at some time.

As a few people have said, I don't know what the OP wants, or wants people to say. Is she just venting, or wanting ideas?

If she wants to vent then cool, that is fine. Vent away! But if she is looking for ideas then she is going to get them.

But FFS, there is no need for anyone to be an asshole to people trying to help.

PeiPeiPing · 14/11/2017 21:06

As @Madmags said, the things YOU are suggesting @VelvetSpoon, are things people have already suggested!! Confused

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/11/2017 21:07

@PeiPeiPing - 100% second everything you wrote.

PeiPeiPing · 14/11/2017 21:08

Thanks @Step Smile

Choosegopse · 14/11/2017 21:12

What about one of those winter solstice retreats for people who want to escape Christmas?

MrsPnut · 14/11/2017 21:15

Where we live there is a christmas lunch in the community centre for people on their own. There could be something near you in a similar vein, it might be a bit cringy but everyone there would be in the same situation and it would break up christmas day at least.

Failing that, if any of my friends were going to be on their own on the day, then I would have gladly have them to my house for dinner. Sometimes it's making a first move that is the hardest.

Giraffey1 · 14/11/2017 21:21

OP, are you one of those people who hides their feelings so well that no one realises how you really feel? If you are, then it might be time to let the defences down and tell a friend or two how unhappy and lonely you are? I don’t mean to sound patronising but you might be surprised at how they react.

cathyclown · 14/11/2017 21:31

Time for OP to come back and clarify maybe,

Otherwise we are all just fantasising about what Op might want.

Maybe wants nothing except a total vent. That's great.

But here we are all hoping to help in a good, non judgmental way and no feedback from OP at all AFAIS anyway.

No worries there either, but anyway.

Get a spidey feeling about it all. But what the heck, it might help others.

DancesWithOtters · 14/11/2017 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArchchancellorsHat · 14/11/2017 21:51

Dear god, some of the posts on here are horrifically patronising. Can you hear yourselves?! All this 'oh you can meet someone/ go to friends/ book a holiday ' platitudes.

I was one of them, and have been in the same situation since I was 17 - so the last 23 years. If it's a choice between a pissup for one on the sofa, bemoaning my lot or going on holiday - I'd take the holiday. And realistically - if OP, or any one of us wants to change something about our lives than we have to take the first step and do something different. Either by going to a class or something and meeting people, or by accepting that you'd rather stay single than take action.

As i say, I'm in the same position, so I'm taking my own advice here, not just spouting platitudes.

CotswoldStrife · 14/11/2017 21:54

No, it's not about the day itself but just someone reflecting on what they imagined their life would be like. In the run up to Christmas there is a big focus on family and friends - it's hard to avoid in all the films/ads etc that are constantly in your face. Then you've got New Year with it's reflection on the year just gone and the emphasis on the future and what you're going to do about it.

With all that around, you are bound to start thinking about life, the Universe and everything! But don't focus solely on the bits that didn't work out OP, there will have been successes as well and you can expand on them - reflect on the bits that went well and why they did.

VelvetSpoon · 14/11/2017 22:08

Im not being patronising.

I'm not telling the OP she can change her life, she can make it all different by next year...has she tried internet dating? Has she reached out (ugh, hate that phrase) to friends?

The inference is from many posters not all, that if she makes more effort her life will be different.

And that's bullshit. How fucking humiliating to have to beg friends for an invite. No one should have to do that.

I'm not patronising in my advice. I wasn't telling the OP she could easily have a lovely time, how all she needs to do is try a bit harder or whatever Hmm. I was suggesting how she might get through it in a fairly low key way.

Unless you've been long term single and don't have family, I suspect it's rather hard to get where the OP is coming from.

VelvetSpoon · 14/11/2017 22:13

You can take one step though, or many, and it doesn't mean the outcome actually changes.

I know people who go to classes and interest clubs , the gym, 4 or 5 nights a week. They've never made any friends there. Acquaintances maybe but not actual proper friends. Ditto dating - many people join sites, go on dates, never find someone.

That's not because they haven't tried, or they haven't tried hard enough. There's no magic pot of fantastic friends and partners out there. You might make friends or meet some one, but simply doing stuff is no guarantee of either.

Fishface77 · 14/11/2017 22:16

Where are you? Come to mine?

callmeadoctor · 14/11/2017 22:36

I know that you didn't want to do volunteering, but if you like dogs Im sure a local dogs home would welcome dog walkers at christmas?

ArchchancellorsHat · 14/11/2017 22:39

Doing stuff doesn't guarantee you'll meet someone, whether friend or partner - but doing nothing probably does. I've met partners at sports classes, but friends at work mostly.
As I say, I'm in the same situation and I really don't think it's a question of blaming people for not changing their lives, but if you want things to change then you need to make an opening for change to happen IYSWIM? I cba with looking for a partner now but I would like someone to travel with so the link pp posted to solo holidays does have some appeal to me.

orkneyfudge · 14/11/2017 22:49

OP, I think I know you in real life (PF). You have a very recognisable writing style. I am sad for you. I wish you knew how special you are.

I wish you a very merry Christmas, however you spend it.