MIL and 1st Birthday Cake

[FakeCakeWars]

Quick straw poll: if you really like baking cakes and you'd spoken to your MIL about looking forward to making a particular cake for your child's birthday, would you be upset if she then made your child's 1st birthday cake without asking you first? Or would you think she was just trying to do something/ nice helpful?

MIL is being a CF!!

I would bake mine, take photos of it, and then take it to MILs

I would then be a little bit PA, "Oh MIL, did you forget that I said I was baking it? Don't you remember the conversation we had where I told you I was going to bake it?"

Then use the photos to put on FB/IG etc so that everyone comments on how nice MY cake was!!

Text her saying thanks for making extra but don’t forget I’ve already told you I’m doing her main birthday cake as she’s my DD and it’s my privilege, you’ve had this already with your own children turning 1 - I’m sure you understand, no hard feelings

A good point has been made here.

Is there anything that your DH is looking forward to doing with them? Teaching to ride first bike/ play football etc. How would he feel if he had explained that to a member of your family and they decided to jump in first and do it before him.

I'm guessing he wouldn't be too happy about it.

Perhaps approach it with him using that analogy and see if he starts to see where you are coming from.

100% I’d have a couple of close friends/family over beforehand at home and do the cake and candles. Plenty of pics, post to fb. Turn up at PILS full of the joys of life, dying to share how lovely the morning tea was and well the pix turned out.

Big smiles and say ‘what a lucky child to have TWO parties on one day'.

One thing I wouldn’t be bothered with is explaining why this is a ‘thing’ to my DH. They’re never gonna get it. It’s between a MIL and a DIL, and the message only needs to be sent subtely and yet firmly. Start as you mean to continue.

Make a bigger and better cake. Do all the candles and ‘happy birthday’ singing and serve up the cake at breakfast. With second helpings. Take a shit ton of photos and text them to her. Then go round to hers too stuffed for her cake!

Can you have a Breakfast Party?

Make an amazing cake. Go to absolute town on the decoration so that her cake looks like Shit.

Possibly not the most mature road to cake. Do it.

Forget she is doing a cake and take your own round, dish it up and tell her you'll take hers home for another day.

Agree with previous posts - the cake issue is annoying, but the bigger deal is that your husband and his parents have decided between them what the birthday plans will be. That needs nipping in the bud.

With the help of this thread I've spoken to DH. He's going to speak to his parents and tell them they are welcome to come to our house for cake and tea but we won't be going to them. MIL is going to do a cake as she's excited about it but I'm also baking one which will be served in the morning. He still doesn't understand why I'm upset (to him it's just cake and a birthday DS won't remember anyway) but at least he's willing to go along with my compromise.

We started a cake for breakfast tradition in our house on DS's 1st birthday, the only time we have cake for breakfast (honest!) . You could do this, get him up give him his milk and then bring your lovely cake to him in his high chair then you will get all the excitement of the first cake without lots of other people to overwhelm him. Plus you get to eat cake for breakfast! .

The argument 'it's just a cake' that he's using doesn't work.
Tell him if it's 'just a cake' then MIL won't mind scrapping hers because it's more than just a cake to you so you will be making it. If it is so unimportant, he won't mind telling his Mum that you are making the cake.

If she thinks it is important then she's basically admitting she's trying to steal your important moment. Ask him why she would want to do that ?

I'd decide that you're not after all going to MIL's for your daughter birthday.. they can come round to yours instead...

Make sure your table is set up with YOUR cake as the centre piece for when they arrive!! Then shove hers on the bench....

My MIL was like this. Turned up to my DC's first birthdays with a cake despite the fact I'd obviously sorted one myself, she asked if she could buy DS's first shoes and take him for his first haircut. Looking back I think her intentions were good but it didn't half rub me up the wrong way at the time.
I just gently but firmly put her in her place at the time, looking back it doesn't seem so much as a big deal now (DC's are now 17 & 14), sadly MIL developed Alzheimers 12 years ago and is now in the end stages, I sometimes wish I'd been a bit easier on her. I know this doesnt help you at the moment but remember things change and sometimes its not worth falling out over

That's at least an improvement OP.

What a silly cow yr mil is..she's done it in knowledge your dh won't stand up to her,sad he's siding with her ,and making out your unreasonable..your not...you made it clear you were making it.your pile are clearly too involved,and yr dh hasn't got a backbone

Read yr update,seems dh has a bit of backbone ..good...be on yr guard from now on with her..she's out to take over

Well done OP ...

I’d be annoyed - she’s stepped on your toes. I’d bake my cake anyway and try to out-bake her but I’m a competitive old sod.

did he say why he excluded you from the planning in the first place?

It doesn't seem that he is even a bit sorry for causing this upset! He is just pacifying you.

Have you got plans in place for christmas or have they sorted that out between them as well?

There is something wrong with the psychology of a woman who has done her parenting and had all the lovely moments of it but then refuses to let another woman have those moments because she wants them again with her grandchildren. It's egotism and selfish. No excuses.

This ^ with bells on

Perhaps if there’s some MILS on here who have these tendencies to do these things they can perhaps explain why they feel the need to take over their grandchild’s milestones?

I see you’ve changed plans and now not going to his parents, just be careful your not giving them reason to feel aggrieved.

I think it would have been better if your dh had nipped the cake thing in the bud by saying to her you were making the cake - as she was already aware and that it was important to you to be allowed to do so and if she were to jump in and make one it would be seen as odd,unnecessary and would cause trouble.
Then she would have known exactly where her place is with no opportunity to blame anyone but herself for being so silly.

This wouldn't bother me. I'd have ours first then visit them and have theirs. At 1 they eat little cake anyway.

Its lovely she wants to be involved, I don't see the need to exclude her cake just because she's had her children. When you consider many children sadly don't have grandparents then a cake pales in comparison.

Your DH has only gone part way to putting this right. You shouldn’t have to be serving your cake for breakfast as MIL still isn’t getting it & insists on bringing a birthday cake. I would contact her myself directly & let her know not to bother as you will be making your own DCs first cake & any more going forward. End with, thank you for your offer, but as a mother of yourself, I’m sure yours will understand why this has to be my job, not yours.

Trust me, this will not end with the cake if you don’t put your foot down firmly now!!

—memories of the parcel that arrived addressed to DD full of first bras & matching pants. When my DD was f”ing 6 years old—

Yup, I really would stop it now, in a few years time when your ds is having a birthday party with his friends there you'll be upset when MiL is still turning up with the cake because it's become her thing.