MIL and 1st Birthday Cake

[FakeCakeWars]

Quick straw poll: if you really like baking cakes and you'd spoken to your MIL about looking forward to making a particular cake for your child's birthday, would you be upset if she then made your child's 1st birthday cake without asking you first? Or would you think she was just trying to do something/ nice helpful?

convenient

YANBU.

I’m a good baker, but my SiL can’t bake for shit (can’t even do a decent buttercream).
I’ve offered to do her DCs cake a few times and she’s always refused.
And that is totally her prerogative and o would dream of just doing it anyway.

Take this opportunity to create a special birthday tradition for your DC - cake & candles in the morning for breakfast! Fantastic way to start their day.

I'd do a cake ther and then a cake at home.

I'd also keep a weathered eye as to whether this was going to become a thing going forward.

Make your cake and take it with you as PP have said. Only you know if this is a pattern for your MIL and If it is you’ll have to always be firm. I’ve been down this road myself and ended up being very resentful. Took DH a while to come around support me as he often saw things as “being helpful” when actually they were about control.

I was also going to say don't go although I'd have kicked of when DH and PIL arranged for you to go to theirs behind my back.

Also agree it's a DH you vs PIL issue and you need to assert your position in the priority queue.

What would happen if you turned on the waterworks and said you really wanted to organise the 1st birthday team? It's a Mum's privilege to sort out first birthday, bake cake, blah, blah, blah. What about your parents? Are they missing out? If tea was at yours, then both sets of GP could be involved.

There is something wrong with the psychology of a woman who has done her parenting and had all the lovely moments of it but then refuses to let another woman have those moments because she wants them again with her grandchildren. It's egotism and selfish. No excuses.

Ths ^ from Gertrude This is also something wrong with a manchild who makes excuses when his mother tries to do this to his partner.

Tea not team!

Well now you know how your enemy works you can prepare for next time .

First of all I would have a very serious chat with your husband about arranging where to have your child's first birthday and not consulting you. Outrageous. Tell him in no uncertain terms never ever to do that kind of thing again!

Then to be honest, if you really care about the cake then do the breakfast/morning thing at home with candles etc - sounds nice. But strewth I am sure you have enough to do, I would think oh good, one less thing to do and just not make the cake!

Make sure your MIL is told very clearly next year, not to make one and then your then two year old will notice it a lot more than a one year old.

Good luck with handling them all! Do tell us how it all goes. I assume it is soon if MIL has already made it?

Op you need to start how you mean to go on. Tell DH that unless he tells MIL you are baking the cake, not her, then you won’t be going to their house at all. Your DH is the main problem here. As a previous poster said, he is willing to upset you rather than MIL. Time to make it clear that upsetting you has serious consequences.

Ermmm are your initials LH?

If so then for you chick...

I would make my own cake. I would get the baby involved and take photos. Baby with wooden spoon sitting on the counter stirring and making a mess. Lots of happy photos.

Then, yes, have some cake for breakfast pudding, complete with singing and a candle. Take photos and video.

You won't eat all of the cake so box it up and take it to PILs. DH is right, more cake is good, who can object to not cake?

Go to PILs. Have a nice time. Quietly make sure your cake is in photos taken at PILs. Casually, nicely, joke about how MIL knows how much her own son loves cake so the second birthday cake is really for him. He was told you he was glad there would be two cakes. So funny.

As soon as possible circulate photos of the morning at home and the extended family party to PILs in a happy chatty way.

Your cake is the cake. Their cake is fake cake, really DHs cake.

What if her cake is better? 😂

It sounds like your DH really doesn't get how much this means to you. I'd definitely show him this thread!! Gertrudes comment is bang on.

Agree that you should make your cake and take it with you. When MIL says "I've made a cake" you feign surprise and say "But I told you I was making a cake. I am his mum after all!" followed by a head tilt and tinkly laugh.

Then you can keep yourself calm whilst wistfully imagining smushing her stupid face into her cake

When is the child's birthday and what type of cake is it? Unless it's a fruit cake it's not going to taste very good once it's more than a day or two old. She really is determined to get in there first if she's already made it.

I’d have to speak to her and tell her it’s your child and you will be baking the cake.
I’d then have it out with your DH about arranging things without consulting you and being more worried about his mum being upset than you.
I know I’m a gobby bugger but I honestly don’t know why people put up with this kind of thing.
That’s probably why I’m NC with all of my in-laws though

of course she is going to make a cake at hers if the party is at hers!

Your problem here is NOT THE CAKE, it's your ILs and H arranging things without you!

Stop deflecting to MIL and get to the root of the problem which starts with your dh here, and possibly your inability to say "NO!"

Tell your DH, that you are not being over sensitive and that you take offence that he deems it okay to side with his parents over something that is important to you.

I would then make the cake and use MIL’s as smash cake (tinkly laugh)

I’d then have it out with your DH about arranging things without consulting you and being more worried about his mum being upset than you.

^^This with bells on.

But go ahead and make your cake and take lots of photos of DC blowing out the candles before you go to PiLs.

And if you're really mean, upload to social media before you go...

Honestly, having been round the horn with this shit, you just need to cringe for Britain and law down the law.

"MIL, thank you for baking a cake, but I want to make her first birthday cake. It's my first child and really important to me. I won't get this opportunity back and I'll always be sad if I missed out. What did you make DH for his first birthday cake? Do you remember? That sounds lovely. I want the chance to be able to make that sort of a memory as well"

Once it's sorted, your DH will probably admit you were right all along. A first child can be very difficult for people with very controlling parents. Cut him a degree of slack, but make your expectations clear.

I wonder if your MIL had asked your DH about it? It could be a misunderstanding.. Maybe she has just baked an extra cake.

Is she providing all the other food?

I think it is an annoying and stupid thing to do but it's also one of those things that literally don't matter. You son won't care and I suspect no one else will as long as they get some cake.

Well yes, if she's hosting, it does make sense that she would supply the cake.

So yes-why is she hosting & can it be changed?

Make your cake and do the whole candles and singing at home and video it so you have your personal family memento of the occasion.

Then go to PILs and enjoy their cake, too.

Personally, I'd show MIL the video of your DC first birthday cake to make the point... but then maybe I wouldn't if it would upset her unnecessarily.

So many things I'd like to do but then don't - most things are a misunderstanding