Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and 1st Birthday Cake

141 replies

FakeCakeWars · 11/11/2017 09:34

Quick straw poll: if you really like baking cakes and you'd spoken to your MIL about looking forward to making a particular cake for your child's birthday, would you be upset if she then made your child's 1st birthday cake without asking you first? Or would you think she was just trying to do something/ nice helpful?

OP posts:
SadClown · 11/11/2017 09:49

Yep, she's being a passive aggressive cow. The situation is irrelevant, it's not about a cake, it's about someone ignoring what you've said, disregarding your feelings and thinks they know best/don't care if they're upsetting you.
Make your cake, have it ready to go with candles etc and just tell her to do one, seriously, tell her her cake is not needed. Tell your husband to back you up on this as well. In fact he should be the one telling her....

BarbarianMum · 11/11/2017 09:50

He "doesn't see the need for conflict". Or rather "he doesn't want his mum upset but doesn't mind if you are".

OP I strongly recommend you get him to understand now that his mum overstepping your boundaries will bring nothing but conflict. No need to scream and shout but don't cave on the cake.

Sierra259 · 11/11/2017 09:50

I would get on and make your own cake. If any comments are made, just say "but MIL, I told you I was making x for DC's birthday. Yours is a lovely surprise though, you can never have too much cake!"

I think if it was truly intended as a helpful gesture, she would have checked with you first.

timeisnotaline · 11/11/2017 09:54

Make your cake of course. Tell dh this is your child having his very first birthday and you will play whatever role in that you want, just as his mil did for him. if he doesn't say something suitable then you will have to , which would he prefer? But it is very easy to breeze past this situation without making a big deal. It's turning up with a cake , saying cheerily don't be silly I TOLD you I was making the birthday cake, I wouldn't pass on that job for the world. But yours will be great to have as back up thankyou althoughwe won't use those candles.

Fishface77 · 11/11/2017 09:56

I also wouldn't go anywhere for my DC birthday if I hadn't been consulted!
Why are your DH and pils making plans for your and DC without you?
You have a DH problem!

Gertrudesings · 11/11/2017 09:57

I've said this before and I'll say it again.

There is something wrong with the psychology of a woman who has done her parenting and had all the lovely moments of it but then refuses to let another woman have those moments because she wants them again with her grandchildren. It's egotism and selfish. No excuses.

hiyasminitsme · 11/11/2017 09:58

That's very kind of you MIL, but he already has a birthday cake and we will be bringing it with us to have at his party. Perhaps we could have yours later in the day with some tea?

Aderyn17 · 11/11/2017 09:59

She was wrong, but honestly, your baby won't know or care or remember.

What is a problem though, is your dh making plans with his parents and seemingly not involving you in decision making.
I would tell my dh that this is a problem for me and we would not be going to ils on baby's birthday. He needs to remind his mum that this is your baby and you have the right to do all their 'firsts'.

I had this a bit with my ILs - it came from being dominated a bit by paternal gps when they were parents. So they were kind of trying to get back the experience. I do think you have to assert yourself, kindly but firmly, if you dont want years of resenting them.

MsJolly · 11/11/2017 10:02

Make your cake and do it at home before you go with candles etc.

Go there, say how lucky you are DC-you get to do candles again today, what a special day! So MIL knows her cake is the second cake and if she wants you to take some home for DC just say no thanks as he has his birthday cake at home. She'll get the message.

And next year no ambiguity-just say MIL I am making his cake so please don't waste your time this year making a second one as I. Will bring it with us.

Gertrudesings · 11/11/2017 10:04

Is she baking the cake or buying it?

Beeziekn33ze · 11/11/2017 10:05

She's being a pita. Birthday boy won't know what's going on so you could give him a birthday tea, breakfast even, with your cake before or after the MiL party and make it clear you'll be doing his cake in future.
Are you going to take your cake to her house? If you are her cake can be the Smash Cake. That'll learn her!

Missingstreetlife · 11/11/2017 10:08

Don't go, invite them to yours the following weekend. Start as you mean to go on
Baby won't care but she is a cf. your husband is in need of a good talking to

liquidrevolution · 11/11/2017 10:09

There is something wrong with the psychology of a woman who has done her parenting and had all the lovely moments of it but then refuses to let another woman have those moments because she wants them again with her grandchildren. It's egotism and selfish. No excuses.

this

Baking a cake is special for me. I still remember all the cakes my mum made. I prepared early since my MIL started muscling in on various things before and just after the birth so I had a whole year of telling her I was doing the cake. She still butts in with things but I stand my ground.

I think you need to have words with your DH, its unfair to organise these things without your input. I personally would say at their house with your cake or your house with her cake - not both at her house. Or even better do cake early (Maybe even the day before with some baby friends? a 1 year old won't know or care). And make sure to take a lovely pic of your DC with your cake and use on the front of all the thank you cards.

Sunshineface123 · 11/11/2017 10:10

Anyway you can change the plans and have them go yours? Id rather it was all on my own turf so to speak. As it’s at hers I’m not really sure what you can do re the cake? Other than phone her in advance and say something like remember I’m bringing cake so you don’t need to worry about that etc

archaicmother · 11/11/2017 10:12

The baby won't remember but OP will. Baking your child's first cake is a special thing, it may not be to some people but it Was to me. I totally get why you're upset.

Do you have to go to their house, can you rearrange so you are hosting at yours?

helterskelter99 · 11/11/2017 10:12

We had multiple cakes I made one for his 1st birthday my MIL bought one I just let her put the candle in her one early in the day and we used the proper one later.
No big deal...
(Keep repeating that and you can make yourself believe it ;-) )
Anyway 3 years later my MIL cant do that anymore and that's sad xx

poooooooop · 11/11/2017 10:12

How do you know she has done one? Did she tell you? I'd take yours round too and explain that you'd made it clear that you were making a cake.

CaeDyGeg · 11/11/2017 10:12

Why don't you just bloody confront her about it?

'MIL, I told you I was looking forward to making DD's cake so why have you gone and done one?'

Then proceed to say you'll be having DD's birthday at home and having your cake.

egginacup · 11/11/2017 10:13

Just take your cake, with candles and light it before she has a chance to argue.

CaeDyGeg · 11/11/2017 10:13

In the politest way, grow a backbone and stick up for yourself. Tell your DH he needs to buck his ideas up and support you when someone has upset you.

diddl · 11/11/2017 10:16

"Just take your cake, with candles and light it before she has a chance to argue."

Yup!

cherish123 · 11/11/2017 10:16

I would be really annoyed. I would have made one anyway. She sounds really controlling.

LaLaLady2 · 11/11/2017 10:16

Yep, MIL doesn't need to make the cake and is overstepping the mark, however lots of assumptions about 'having' to go to PIL house to celebrate. More detail would help but it could be that PIL have more space in their house to host (the party might not be such easy in tiny flat) perhaps to host/pay for/organise a buffet/tidy and clean for guests visiting, saving the OP time and money is a really good offer or maybe the decision was taken because the location is more convenience for guests.
We don't know any of this and are shooting down the DH and his parents when they could be doing a good turn. I would have been more than happy to turn up for my child's birthday gathering, with all the hard work done for us. How enjoyable and for me much less stressful than hosting (but would still like to make the cake if I had those skills though!)

RainyApril · 11/11/2017 10:17

On the face of it she is wrong. Could it possibly be a misunderstanding? She thought your cake was for your house/family tea so she made one for when you visited her house? I have lost count of the number of times in my life that I've been annoyed about something only to find out it was a misunderstanding, or someone has been unnecessarily annoyed with me.

Or could she have forgotten? It is a normal thing to do, to make a cake when people are visiting and I bet she is excited to see her gc on his birthday.

I think you should say something. It will either clear up the misunderstanding or send a warning shot that you won't tolerate her nonsense. It doesn't have to be confrontational.

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/11/2017 10:17

It’s not ‘sharing’ nice things when someone just totally takes them away from you. Baking your dc first birthday cake was something you were excited to do. I cannot understand why MIL would then do it instead, knowing you were looking forward to it.

Does your DH have some kind of issue with basic comprehension that he cannot see that?