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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and 1st Birthday Cake

141 replies

FakeCakeWars · 11/11/2017 09:34

Quick straw poll: if you really like baking cakes and you'd spoken to your MIL about looking forward to making a particular cake for your child's birthday, would you be upset if she then made your child's 1st birthday cake without asking you first? Or would you think she was just trying to do something/ nice helpful?

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 11/11/2017 10:36

Forgot to add my MIL tried making a second wedding cake... fortunately I overheard and could stop it (i still have the hideous topper in the loft - think DHs favourite random hobby as the type of topper Hmm)

What is it with MILs and cake??!!

My DM loves making cakes and is an excellent baker. She has never once offered to do DDs cake because she knows I want to do it.

WhoWants2Know · 11/11/2017 10:39

It’s true that they have already had the opportunity to celebrate first birthdays with their own children.

Your husband wants to share the experience with GPs, so does he also plan to include YOUR parents? Or is it just his mother’s feelings that are important?

Curlyshabtree · 11/11/2017 10:40

Yanbu, especially as you enjoy baking. Make your own and make sure yours is the one in the first Birthday party photos.

elland · 11/11/2017 10:43

100% make him one for breakfast! If your DH complains tell him what he told you, more cake = better for your baby!

I get that GP get excited for their grandchildren’s birthdays (and every other thing) but it’s a shame they can’t reign themselves in a little bit aswell.

I’m in a similar position, although not as bad as I do get asked if it’s okay but it’s so hard to say no! I love baking too and had planned on making a cake for my DS birthday party but his DG asked me if she could make it and she looked so excited that I couldn’t bring myself to say no! We get on really well aswell so I felt like I would look like a right witch if I said actually I’m doing it. I wish she said “are you making a cake” or “have you thought about the cake” so I could have said oh yeah I’m going to do such a such but hey ho!

My DS is their first grandchild and FIL especially tries to take over but it’s hard when you know it’s not out of malice, they just don’t think.

ThisNameNow · 11/11/2017 10:43

Breakfast cake does sound like a perfect solution. 😁 I bet your son would love that. He would be awake and not overwhelmed by lots of people. It would just be you, your DH, him and THE CAKE!

🎂

I can't stand passive aggressive shite myself but if you wanted to you could then post photos of the breakfast cake celebrations on social media.

RockinHippy · 11/11/2017 10:44

I would be fuming if ANYONE did this, MIL, DM or not. You need to nip this behaviour in the bud PDQ

I would “oh how lovely, but you do realise we can’t use it for DCs birthday/party as I’m cake maker for that particular day, which as a baker, I’m sure you will understand my reasons why. How about you arrange a little birthday tea for DC AFTER the birthday/party, that way your lovely cake doesn’t go to waste”

This is bang out of order & if you don’t stamp down on it now, I fear it will get a whole lot worse. This is more than just a cake. This is MIL showing she has no qualms massively overstepping the Mark

Good luck

Crunchymum · 11/11/2017 10:45

Use hers at her house (and leave it there) and your cake at your house?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 11/11/2017 10:46

What BarbarianMum said. Your dh is going to take the path of least resistance. Make sure that path isn't on top of you.

If you insisted on using your cake and your mil didnt like that, would your dh tell her it was only a cake and she was silly to be upset?

Phone Mil, tell her there's been a change of plans and you'll be visiting the day after the birthday. Explain that dh failed to consult you about the plans and you know she'll understand because obviously she wants her son to be happy in his marriage...

Crunchymum · 11/11/2017 10:48

Why are you spending the whole day at your PIL?

Will there be a party?

Can you do your cake in the evening at home?

As an aside, your DH sounds like an arse, why would he be "cross" if you broached this with his mum?

SoNouveau · 11/11/2017 10:48

I always made my kids birthday cakes, I'd be pissed if MoL had done it.
Do you know that she's actually made it yet because I only made them the day before so they were fresh.
Thing is it does set a bit of a precedent and she might think she's THE birthday cake maker as it's the first and want to do it every year.
I'd be cross, who did she tell she'd made it already?

RockinHippy · 11/11/2017 10:48

Seeing your further updates. You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem & I would blow my top if my DH didn’t support me in this, that also needs nipping in the bud PDQ or your marriage isn’t going to be working to well for you. How dare her belittle your feelings over this in favour of his DM, he needs to grow a pair😡

kateandme · 11/11/2017 10:49

on our birthdays weve always had a little table laid first thing.with some of her pressies and the cake a centre piece.then it sits there till later for birthday tea.so could you do this have your cake there for dc to see as soon as they come down.this way you know you've done your thing but equally wont look like a competitor to all others by bringing ANOTHER one to the party at your mil.
tell your dh he doesn't no how a womans mind works but to trust you there was motive behind it!or this is what id assume in your situation anyway.and id be really upset and still make one.
for a baker its a must to bake the dc there cakes.

Carouselfish · 11/11/2017 10:49

He doesn't see it as a symbolic something, just as a cake. to you (and to me too in a similar situation) it was a one off, first child, special occasion and the cake is the centrepiece of that. Regardless of whether he understands or not, he needs to back you up while you turn up with a cake you made, candles at the ready to get in there first. If yabu then so would mil be if she minded. If she protests just sweep past with 'mummy's one first!'

JaneEyre70 · 11/11/2017 10:50

I made my grandson's first cake Shock but to be fair, my DD asked me to and I adored every moment of it. It felt really special, and DD told me what she wanted and helped decorate it so it was really a joint effort. But I would never have made one without her asking me - that's her job as mum and I've had my children.

Saying all that, I don't think the issue is your MIL - I think it's your DH. He sounds a bit dominating tbh. Do you get any say in what happens in your relationship generally? I think you need to ring MIL and say that your DH mentioned a cake - you've put a lot of time and effort into what you are going to do, and it's something you are really looking forward to doing for your child. Say thanks for the thought but she can make one for the grown ups instead. Start the way you mean to go on, as this could be every birthday that you have no say in .............

puddleduckmummy · 11/11/2017 10:50

Oh god, this thread is making me twitch! Why are you going to PiL house for your baby’s first birthday? I would not be ok with that. Especially when arranged without me, that’s how it sounds in your case. I’d be furious! And your DH has got his priorities completely wrong. Why are his mums feelings more important than yours? This whole situation would piss me off. No to MIL cake. If they want to give a gift, get a gift. Don’t steal the thunder of a child’s mother on the child’s birthday

KC225 · 11/11/2017 10:52

No. It's not on. She has had her time. It's your call as a Mother. I love baking my children's cakes, different if you had asked her. She has over stepped

PollytheDolly · 11/11/2017 10:53

Go to PILs. Have a nice time. Quietly make sure your cake is in photos taken at PILs. Casually, nicely, joke about how MIL knows how much her own son loves cake so the second birthday cake is really for him. He was told you he was glad there would be two cakes. So funny.

Oh my god, this has to happen 😁👌

seven201 · 11/11/2017 10:54

I think I’d cry and I’m not a crier generally. Obviously some people would happily just buy a cake, but you’d been looking forward to it and had told MIL that. I loved making my dad’s first birthday cake and I knew full well that she didn’t care what it looked like! It was more for me. You need to show your dh this thread. Do you want the party to be at parent in law’s house? I wouldn’t be happy with that either. The mil has had her moment to make milestone cakes etc. If you’d asked for help of course it would be different. I’m really angry for you.

Cornettoninja · 11/11/2017 10:55

It depends so much on your own relationship with her but ideally you should be able to tell her how special it is to you to make it and she should be accepting of that.

You don't sound particularly ecstatic at the thought of holding celebrations at their house either. I totally get that but I would be highlighting that as my compromise.

Or you could go full on bull by the horns and take back control of the whole thing - you'd be completely justified in doing so - but you do need to be braced for the inevitable fall out.

One of dp's friends took it upon herself to make my dd's first birthday cake. In fairness I wasn't making one but I didn't want someone else to make it either. It has been a tough year (that I'd barely seen her in) and I was looking forward to travelling to family to celebrate so didn't make a massive deal on the day.

I always thought it was a really odd action by another mother to not ask me directly if it was okay or if I wanted it. I experienced mild rage and upset but I will always have it in the back of my mind as a character judgement of her.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 11/11/2017 10:56

I would not be happy about the cake. But as others have said there's a much bigger and more worrying problem

Why weren't you even consulted about where to have the party?! Do they usually arrange things without even asking you

Your DH not backing you is a big issue. Hes not married to her though is he.

LivLemler · 11/11/2017 10:57

Not sure if I've missed how many will be at PIL's.

If it's just you three and PIL, have your cake at home, take lots of photos and post on Facebook before you go to theirs. Bring the leftovers, "Thought you might like a slice of birthday cake. Oh look DC! Another cake, always nice to have extra!".

If there's going to be more people, bring yours with candles in. Make sure it's the one brought out. Then, "who'd like a slice of birthday cake? Oh, and MIL has made a chocolate cake (or whatever, just patently not birthday), who wants a slice of that on the side?".

Sympathies, as my MIL would totally do this, but fortunately DH is very good at handling her. And, let's face it, probably good at handling me too!

NoParticularPattern · 11/11/2017 10:58

Yeah I’d bake my own cake, take it to her house and put it unceremoniously on top of the one she had baked. Probably

Actually in reality I’d just bake mine, take it and be all “oh would you look at that. It’s almost like YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS PLANNING!” And then flounce off with my child. Let’s be honest the child doesn’t care who does how many cakes or even if there is cake, but your MIL has some sort of weird power trip going on. Your DH is wrong.

Originalfoogirl · 11/11/2017 11:01

Bake your own cake and take it. I agree with your OH, it’s silly to be upset over just a cake.

However, if she has form for this sort of thing, you need to either jest get comfortable with it, or discuss with your OH about how it’s more than just this one cake.

Kintan · 11/11/2017 11:11

I don’t really see the problem - just ignore the cake your MiL made (or serve it alongside yours) and put the candles in yours. No need for any drama!

C8H10N4O2 · 11/11/2017 11:17

I'm mostly upset by DH not getting it.

You are focusing on the correct problem here. Why is he organising all this without agreeing it with you? What would be the equivalent thing which would annoy him if he doesn't understand why the cake is a problem? Where would his boundaries be if left to himself?

It seem incredibly unkind to 'jump in first' with her cake after talking to you and you saying you were looking forward to making it. Make your cake and take it or have it for breakfast and take your pictures with your cake too.