To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[underkerstumbled]

Somebody SIL used the 'it takes a village to raise a child' expression with me once - in a somewhat intrusive I'm a Better Mother Than You way . I replied by asking her whether she'd ever heard the expression "Mind your own bloody business"?

[stitchglitched]

FlowerPot and how terrible that you saw fit to tell an OP that her not even 3 year old is 'not normal' based on no evidence at all except your own bitter views about children.

[stitchglitched]

I don't believe I've ever engaged with you before, I usually just roll my eyes and scroll by when I see your posts. But on a thread such as this, with an OP who seems to be a caring mother going through a difficult time, and with it also transpiring that this child was extremely premature, your spite might actually cause some harm.

[FlowerPot1234]

stitchglitched oh just go away and sort out whatever problems you have in your head. Just stop.

[stitchglitched]

Stop what? Contributing to a discussion board and daring to disagree with you?

[marymoosmum]

Yanbu about the snide comments but yabu about him telling her off if she is naughty and you either haven't seen it or aren't going to do anything. She isn't a baby anymore, she needs to learn right from wrong.

[manicmij]

If a child is doing something to annoy me or dangerous I have no hesitation in telling them to stop. I don't suggest or ask I tell. Would not make threats though e.g. the naughty corner or mention any form of punishment as not my role, that is down the parent/guardian. Perhaps you are needing to be a bit more aware of how your daughter's behaviour affects others.

[psicat]

underkerstumbled love it! Exactly what was going through my head!

OP I'm with those who think he should wind his neck in. I would not be impressed by someone putting my child on the naughty step for a start - I don't use this method as disagree with it.
Equally he is going to be family and clearly they spend time together so I'd suggest having a word with him out of her earshot about how you discipline and listen to what he suggests too. You are her mother so it is your say on how it is actioned but he has a right to say if she is doing something naughty/unacceptable.

[Abbylee]

I was told to make my children mind when i thought that they were fine. They are happy healthy young adults. At least one is....we have different standards. I wanted my dc to be respectful but not brow beaten. They are independent and kind. I wouldn't allow anyone to boss my dc unless i agreed with them. But i had criteria: respect, no harm to people, Themselves or things.

My brother had two sets of standards, one for his darlings and one for my dc whom he treated like goats.

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

I think he’s trying to help, you can’t get past the baby stage and he sees that, you don’t live with him, so just tolerate it when he’s around. You dd maybe acting up a bit as you are still babying her.

[MistressDeeCee]

I have heard the expression 'it takes a village' a lot. It usually applies, in my mind, to cheeky fuckers who think they get to decide they're in my child's village

Exactly.

He's a controlling git OP. You don't need to be patronised or mansplained to by him, as if you're the little woman who needs taking in hand and don't know how to handle your own child. How much telling off does a 3 year old need anyway?

I wouldn't be able to stand him looming in the background waiting to open his big mouth - I'd have told him to fuck off long ago

As for "it takes a village" - it's very much like that in my culture. But in the situation you've described, that man would be put in his place for that behaviour before you even had a chance to speak to him on it. Some people are using sayings they know nothing about in practice.

But you'll have some man-focused people sticking the boot in to make you feel worse on here, some people get off on that. Ignore it.

You do need to be assertive however. Tell him in your own way to butt out. Keep it short and to the point, don't be queried on it. Broken record technique if you have to. Then leave it at that

& you can limit going round there if you feel you want to.