To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[MaisyPops]

Ah right. I missed that. I thought theu were all around at sisters house.
His comments about 'let her get it herself' seem reasonable assuming that OP babies her child as she speaks about an almost 3 year old toddler in months.

The thing on it takes a village isn't that everyone says the same thing. I wouldn't exlect playgroup, childminder, me, family, friend's parents when at play dates etc to all have the same approach. But i would expect all settings to accept that a 3 year old being cheeky and throwing tantrums needs dealing with and they shouldn't be babied.

The amount of people who have gone straight for 'nobody other than you should say anything' partly surprises me but partly doesn't.
I can't help but feel this is how children end up under the impression that they only have to behave some of the time and then by school they work out how to present events to their parents so home go mad and complain to school. Then you see millions of threads on why nasty school shouldn't sanction and then lots of other 'your baba your rulz' folk turn up to sling their bit around on nasty school. It's bizarre.

[Quartz2208]

School etc is not part of the village.

The notion itself (from African culture) would have everyone having broadly the same ideals and the child being comfortable with different people being caregivers so that they can be interchanged

its not someone undermining the mum and making her feel judged

[MaisyPops]

Same values, but not uniform approach.

People get annoyed at it takes a village when another adult dares tell their child to wait their turn in soft play. Yet turn taking is a fairly common value.

I think he has stepped across a line on some things. (E.g. naughty step)But not others. E.g advice

But I would say if a child was in my house, having a tantrum and my room was being messed up because of the tantrum then if the parent wasn't doing anything then I would move the child to one side. The parent had a chance to do something and didn't. I'm not having my stuff messed uo because they think it's 'just them beimg a child' or some other nonsense. If thry got annoyed at me because it's not my place to speak to their child then I'd end up suggesting childfree coffees when it's convenient. (I can't see that happening with my friends but thrn they stop using months to babify their children once they're a year old)

[MaisyPops]

There's even been threads on here where people have said 'we've had DC's friend to play and they've been really badly behaved' and people have said the poster shouldn't tell thr badly behaved child to behave! Apparently thr acceptable thing to do (according to some) is to tolerate poor behaviour for the play date, have your own child watch another child get away with it and then at pick up say they had a lovely day and never invite them back again.

I'd rather tell a visiting child that thry follow my rules in my house and then continue to have them back for play.

[DaisyDando]

That would also piss me off massively.

[Witsender]

Yup, he could get back in his box tbh. If you weren't there that is one thing.

[millifiori]

He's being a pain. You raise youry child your own way, and you discipline your child in your own way. his way isn't 'the right way', so don;t be undermined. There will always be hoards of people informing you how to raise your child. You learn to shrug them off.

Having said that, I think it's fine for people to tell off my child if they are being mean or rude, doing something dangerous or touching something they shouldn't. It does take a village to raise a child. There's a difference between interacting with a child in a way that suggests you are aware of their behaviour's consequences, and muttering under your breath passive-aggressive commments on a parenting style.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

its not someone undermining the mum and making her feel judged

No, this isn't ok (unless said child is being an absolute horror and the parents do nothing at all, of course). The op has to find some assertiveness in telling this man 'excuse me, please don't parent my daughter', for two reasons. Firstly, to put a stop to it and secondly, her daughter is currently seeing her mum being walked over in terms of authority.

However, there's no harm in sometimes evaluating our own parenting, and seeing if perhaps behaviour we we may allow at home may not be appropriate in the home of someone without young children and a woman suffering severe dementia. Of course, that is purely an general opinion and not suggesting that the op is allowing her daughter to run riot.

[Aeroflotgirl]

He is being unreasonable and so are you. He has every right to correct your dd if she is doing something wrong and your not doing anything about it. Others will do this out in the community, it takes a village and all that. He is being unreasonable as he is being a big headed prick, seems like nit picking.

[Aeroflotgirl]

peng your in for a shock then. If your child is being mean, and your just sitting there doing sweet fa, I will tell your child off!

[stitchglitched]

He sounds like a pain in the arse and I wouldn't tolerate this. Do you have a partner and if so does he lecture him on his parenting too? I doubt it.

[MaisyPops]

If your child is being mean, and your just sitting there doing sweet fa, I will tell your child off!
Same. I wouldn't get involved for no reason but would absolutely get involved if a child was being unkind, throwing things, charging around near my table when I'm in a cafe and the parent is doing nothing.

I don't care if someone thinks it's fine for 'kids to be kids' and charge around a cafe (though many do based on that thread ages ago), i will tell a child to stop running up and down past my table. Why should my coffee break be ruined bevause someone else is too lazy to teach their kids how to behave appropriately?

[Quartz2208]

The OP has not actually said what the behaviour is though nowhere does it say she is being mean or destroying a house

[Aeroflotgirl]

Somebody told my then 3 year old ds off at Softplay as he was being rough with other children, I thought good on her. I felt bad though that I diden't spot it. I told him off after the lady did so, and took him home and got him a book about being kind and hot hitting. It seemed to work, as at 5 he does not do any such behaviour.

[Worriedobsessive]

Maisypops the examples the OP is using aren’t about keeping a child safe or stopping him/her from behaving undesirably. This man is undermining her parenting.

“Let her do it” He sounds like an arse who thinks the OP is incapable. And I’d bet that he wouldn’t do that to another man.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Good Peng if your child is being mean or rough or unkind to my child or any other child, and your not onto it, I will, and others will too I assure you. Hopefully that will not happen will it, as you will be there keeping an eye on your child, and correcting them if they do something wrong!

[Mittens1969]

It would depend what the misbehaviour entailed and whether you’re actually handling it. My DM has the annoying habit of butting in when I’m in the process of dealing with my DDs’ bad behaviour, basically repeating what I’ve just said.

I also find it odd that you gave us your DD’s age as 34 months rather than saying nearly 3. She isn’t a baby and people will be irritated if you don’t manage her behaviour.

[Crumbs1]

“Let her get it herself” isn’t telling her off it’s simply a comment.
He isn’t being nasty. He isn’t shouting at her, he’s simply commenting.
Lively and cheeky usually means poorly behaved and rude to most reasonable people. Cute in 3 year old but less so in 10 year old who hasn’t learned to conform to normal expectations.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes Peng if your child's behaviour is not affecting others, than that is fine!

[MaisyPops]

Pengggwn
I wouldn't get involved if a child was demandign sweets from their parent.
I would on a tantrum if the trantrum was affecing my house or possessions.

Quartz2208
People are giving examples of when it may be absolutely appropriate to intervene with another child.