To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[Worriedobsessive]

Crumbs1 that’s not commenting, that’s instructing and would result in a death stare from me

[MaisyPops]

Lively and cheeky usually means poorly behaved and rude to most reasonable people
I'll be honest, that's what I get when people describe their child as lively and cheeky.

It's like when a school report says 'X is a lovely child who is good at sharing their ideas with others. To make more progress they need to manage their distractions and remain on task.' really means they are very likeable but are a total chatterbox and need to spend less time talking and more time actually doing the work.

[MaisyPops]

• and people who describe children as lively and cheeky also tend to think it is sweet and funny and also use the 'kids will be kids' to excuse poor behaviour.

[Beeziekn33ze]

He's out of order and you should, if possible, either avoid him or smile sweetly and say 'My child, not yours!'

[BrieAndChilli]

Kids need to realise that their are different rules in different places eg when I go to my sisters I do not discipline my niece and nephew eg eating on the sofa but at my house they aren’t allowed to eat on the sofa and must eat at the table
But at thier house I will tell them off for fighting for example same as I would at mine.

Likewise if I am with a friend and thier children I will tell them off if the parent isn’t around.

I would also tell I child I didn’t know off in public if they were doing something dangerous.

I would expect the same for my children, if they are told off I would assume they had done something wrong to be honest.

Reminds me of that feral families children where the 2 year old spilt water over the printer and the mum said she wasn’t going to tell him off as he was only little and didn’t know it was wrong - well he isn’t going to know it’s wrong unless you tell him off!

[MaisyPops]

Pengggwn
Opinionated can go either way depending on how it's used.
Opinionated and articulate = good to debate with, well-rounded
Opinionated and needs to let others have their say = stroppy and overbearing

I always find it interesting how people speak about their child's behaviour as there are certain trends. It's why the description in the OP plus 34 months gave me the image of "a 3 year old who has worked out that mum sees tantrums as just part and parcel of being 3 and that is fine because they're my little baby, so I'll get things for them and baby them and just let them be when they are throwing mammoth tantrums because that's what babies do'.
Hence why I have some sympathy for the sister's partner saying 'she can get it herself' on things becaue I've got an image of a child wanting something and OP getting everything for the DC or facing a tantrum. In ny head the partner is there thinking 'bloody hell the kid is almost 3. Let them walk to the kitchen for their snack. I can't be bothered listening to another tantrum'.

[FlowerPot1234]

Your starting point is wrong.

She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old.

You mean she's naughty and disrespectful, disobedient, throws tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. i.e. She's not a normal nearly 3 year old.

[FlowerPot1234]

And yes, any adult in the presence of a rude, naughty child whose behaviour is affecting them should have the right to discipline them.

I do not agree with this fiance telling you how to discipline your child though, except in utter frustration if he watches you let her get away with misbehaviour that affects him again and again.

[MaisyPops]

This ^^ flower.

It's why although I don't think sister's partner should do naughty step, he has my total sympathy on having to be there whilst thr OP babies her '34 month' baby.

[hollowtree]

That would definitely piss me off! Not sure why everyone is so angry about the 34 months thing?

I would have to say something to him.

[Worriedobsessive]

Flowerpot1234 I shudder to think what your “normal” is

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

Reminds me of that feral families children where the 2 year old spilt water over the printer and the mum said she wasn’t going to tell him off as he was only little and didn’t know it was wrong - well he isn’t going to know it’s wrong unless you tell him off!

I don't like this AT ALL. I wouldn't tell a 2 yr old off for that either. The 2 yr old shouldn't have been near the printer with water, esp if they weren't used to a non-lid cup. That 2 yr old should have been being supervised and the parent should have paid to replace the printer, all without the 2 yr old being told off.

[Viviennemary]

No he shouldn't make remarks on your parenting. But I think telling a child off is fine if the parent isn't doing it. I don't think other people in a room can be expected to sit back and ignore child creating havoc. But if parent is attempting to control things then no others shouldn't butt in and say you should be doing this or that.

And also if there is a parent with severe dementia are you doing your best to provide help and support here where you can. There's probably enough stress in that home without your undisciplined toddler adding to it.

[MaisyPops]

Worriedobsessive
Normal 3 year olds don't get described as being cheeky and lively on a thread defending them against someone questioning their behaviour.

My friends say much worse when their 3 year olds are being little swines. For a start thry say they are almost 3, not 34 months and they don't euphemistically get called lively.

Anyone who spends time with kids or people who excuse behaviour work out what the code for 'my child is badly behaved but i think it's adorable/ can't be bothered to challenge it' is.

[TeachesOfPeaches]

Lol @ 34months

[LilQueenie]

Tell him to fuck off. He wants control. If you stand up to him then its likely you may be the first to do so. They only carry on this way because they get away with it.

[gamerwidow]

I don’t mind other people telling my DD off but he is going further than that and undermining your parenting decisions.

[ForgetMeNotCat]

I would be ok with mine being told off by a friend if I'd missed something they'd done and have never challenged school discipline (eldest 13)but would be hacked off by someone bossing me around to the extent of
wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?'
I tried to deal with anti social behaviour myself at that age so wouldn't have appreciated someone keep sticking their oar in.

[alphajuliet123]

This is why:

[MaisyPops]

Pengggwn

Yes pick your moments. Sometimes it is absolutely appropriate, others not.

The fiance has my sympathy if he gets to the point in visits when he has just had enough though. Naughty step would be too far, but I can see why he might feel fed up