To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[roundaboutthetown]

He sounds like an overbearing twat. What is his 15-year old dd like? Did he spend his time undermining his ex-partner in front of her dd before they separated?... Telling off a child that is not your own if they are behaving inappropriately is, imo, perfectly acceptable if the parent does not appear to have noticed or to care, but not giving snidey, unasked for parenting opinions to someone you do not actually know very well and who hasn't asked for your opinion.

[skc1]

You need to find balance here. He may have a reasonable point when it comes to pointing out that you shouldn't let her tantrums/drama stand. But make sure he's not being abusive, or overly critical of her. I think some cheekiness in 3 yo is a good thing. But don't let her be judged with the standards of a 15yo.
My general rule is to let minor naughty behavior slide until 3rd strikes to keep it in control. Also, its a good idea for you to not completely cede control, and call him out occasionally to ensure that he and your daughter knows who the real parent is. :)

[WeAllHaveWings]

OP you dd is not a 36m baby, she is barely a toddler anymore she is growing up and at 3 she is a pre-schooler and should be shown what is appropriate and acceptable behaviour, especially outside your home.

If you are treating her like a baby and that is why he is saying "wait for her to do it" instead of allowing her to try for herself and become more independent, or if you are not dealing with behaviour which a 3 year old should have grasped by now and is happening in someone else's home in front of you then you are doing your dd an disservice by not helping her develop.

Alternatively you might be doing the above and he is an arse. He shouldn't override you if you are there and actively dealing with the situation, but if you are ignoring bad behaviour I can see how it can quickly get irritating for others.

[Aeroflotgirl]

peng yep we would, and yiu would be one of those🙄 Parents.

[dibbleanddobble]

To respond to the title.... No I think it's fine for others to tell her off. Similar situation(ish) my sister's partner would tell ds off for some things.... That's fine as long as it's not screaming or shouting.

But it sounds like this man is doing a little more than telling your dd off occasionally, he's undermining you and making you anxious. I think you need a straightforward conversation with him, without dd present, and tell him that he needs to back off.

The people responding to the way op writes the age rather than the query. Is there really any need???

[strawberrypenguin]

YABU for saying she’s 34 months. She’s nearly 3 stop babying her you aren’t doing her any favours. If her behaviour is bad and you aren’t pulling her up on it then in someone’s else’s home they should.

[IceBearRocks]

My DS is 64 months .... Amanda if someone told me how to parent...I'd listen and then do it my way!

[MaisyPops]

The people responding to the way op writes the age rather than the query. Is there really any need??
People have responded to both.

The relevance of the 34 months along with lively and cheeky is because the OP's langauge shows how she views the child. Combine that with thr partnet saying 'can DC not get it herself?' suggets that the OP sees her 3 year old pre schooler as a baby and is minimising what's probably poor behaviour, which is why someone else may have felt the need to step in.

[DiegoMadonna]

As always it depends largely on individual circumstances and context.

In response to the thread title, of course it's unreasonably not to want anyone else to ever tell off your child.

In response to the content of the OP—which I'm guessing a few people didn't actually read—he does sound a little over involved. Constant comments about how you should be parenting are not on. I would start replying to them in a short manner so that he may get the message and stop.

[roundaboutthetown]

Following peoples' advice about not being so specific on age, the OP could have said her dd is 2 years old, because she is... some people just like to be smug and patronising.

[ForgetMeNotCat]

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me
Doesn't make his advice right. He may not have been a good parent

[NoParticularPattern]

Got to “34 months” and gave up.

Signed, a pregnant and very temperamental 314 month and 29 days old. Also known to throw tantrums.

[longestlurkerever]

This comes down to judgment - I definitely don't mind people telling my children off - reminding them to say thank you, not to push, wait their turn all that stuff. I think threatening to send them to the naughty corner might be taking things a bit far and undermining the actual parent/commenting on what they are or aren't doing is rude but you have to decide whether you want to let it go or address him politely about it, point out what aspects of stepping in you find helpful and which you find overbearing - there's no point in just fuming and you can't avoid him if he's part of the family. I also think on mumsnet every child above 18 months is a model of good behaviour and anything else means a failure in parenting. IRL not so much.

[BackforGood]

Exactly what dibbleanddobble said at 10:40

Yes, YABU to think only you should be able to tell your dd off.

However from your opening post (and we only have your side of it), it doesn't sound quite 'right', and is making people uncomfortable.
What none of us know is quite how your dd is actually behaving, quite how good or otherwise your response is to her, and quite how 'interfering' he is or if he is doing what adults normally do and remind dc of their behaviour when they are still learning.

[seven201]

I think the issue is you are there so he is undermining you. I’d have no issue with someone telling my child off if I wasn’t there/hadn’t witnessed the naughtiness. If you don’t agree with his approach eg the naughty step you need to have a word with him and tell him your approach is different, so although you appreciate he was trying to help, please can he keep out from now on. Be brave!

I think people are being a bit ott about the 34 months thing! It really doesn’t matter.

[longestlurkerever]

People are also being OTT describing toddlers as "little shits", "disrespectful" and "manipulative". Horrible really.

[Waddlingwanda]

Maybe just say ‘I’m sorry but we obviously parent differently and of course as she’s my daughter she’s used to my rules’.
My mum tries to override me all the time and I just say no she’s my daughter. That said if I hadn’t spotted something I’d rather someone who had dealt with it.

I don’t have a problem with telling a child off that’s not mine if I’m the responsible adult or the adult that’s seen, but I would expect the parents to do it if they’re there.

[Quartz2208]

But the language also shows how she views him and the fact that she does not like him and finds him controlling and overbearing and that's why he does it with her 3 year old.

Who is probably acting out due to the tension bad situation given that the mum has Alzheimer's

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Perhaps he is trying to be helpful in some ways by encouraging you to let your dd explore her world and spread her wings. If she is doing age inappropriate things, then perhaps you do need to look at disciplining her as she will be a terror if you let her get away with things because you have the mindset she’s too little.

You say too little for anyone to really understand if he is a pia or not.

Can you give some concrete examples of why he is intervening?

[Worriedobsessive]

Or perhaps mummyoflittledragon, he’s just a mysogynistic interfering twat? Who knows?

[longestlurkerever]

She's not even 3. What's age inppropriate about throwing a strop?

[MaisyPops]

Along with being cheeky and lively, we all know that is code for 'disruptuve and rude'.

We can try and sugar coat it all we like but everyone knows that some 3 year olds are typical 3 year kids, others are badly behaved children who get away with being mollycoded and babied and have their brhaviour ignored or excused.

[Worriedobsessive]

Maisypops, do you iron your knickers?