To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[TeaAndToast85]

Wtf is 34 months

[roundaboutthetown]

Are some people really so bad at maths that they don't know what 34 months is?

[corythatwas]

Pennypickle Sat 11-Nov-17 19:45:32
"I guess your parenting isn’t working if others feel the need to step in to assist Your dc to behave accordingly."

That would depend on the person who steps in. My grandmother would consistently misread situations and think somebody was being cheeky when they weren't and when everybody else present knew they weren't. I don't think she was a nasty person but she was very bad at reading people and also completely over-anxious about things like germs and danger in general.

My DM is brilliant with children but I have noticed over the years that she gets more and more stressed when something stressful is approaching- particularly towards end of holidays when extended family unit breaks up- and that sometimes takes the form of imagining slights and disrespect where none is intended.

As for my DF, a very kind man, but went through a phase of constantly telling off my youngest when it was his cousins who were actually misbehaving. When challenged (and I bit my tongue for a long time) he told me that he didn't feel he could tell his other grandchildren off because my brother got so angry. Made me wonder if perhaps I should have been a little more temperamental.

[Motoko]

Well, maybe if OP comes back, she can give some more detail. Until then, everybody's just going round in circles and repeating each other.

[MorningstarMoon]

So she's 3 then......why use 34 months

[licencePlateIsFresh]

It's so often people who refuse to let anyone else speak to their children like that who are failing to teach their children any kind of good behaviour.

Like someone else said, the ones who teach their children to entirely disregard teachers and have no respect for anyone or anything.

Have you seriously questioned whether she does need to be taught a little good behaviour with some reasonable concequences?

[Her0utdoors]

Op, please don't concider your dsis partner to have 'more experience' at parenting than you. Over a decade ago he had a toddler too, that is all. Be confident that you are the one who knows your child's needs better than anyone. Sorry your Mum is unwell, I hope she and your daughter have been able to take some joy from time together?

[MrsJamin]

What's the point of starting a thread and never returning? OP?

[Dramallama21]

It's hard to know as parents are blinkered about their children.

My whole family thinks my nearly 3 yo nephew is gorgeous and does no wrong.

Yeah right.

He is a month away from 3, is still spoon fed in a high chair, hasnt started potty training, is still taken everywhere in a huge chariot of a buggy that is designed for a baby, is still in a cot.

They treat him like a baby and he behaves like one. He's still throwing food on the floor from his high chair ffs. No special needs before any one asks.

He once emptied an entire bowl of rice onto the floor and my sister said nothing so I said to her are you not going to deal with that. She said nothing and cleaned it
up.

He's also extremely rude, takes things without asking, shouts at me. He once took something of mine, slammed it in front of me and shouted "just open it." I could stand it no longer after hours of this and shouted back at him and said you cant have it, its mine

But i was the bad guy for that and he's a little cherub

If he's at it every time you see him, perhaps the behaviour is worse than you think.

My sister and nephew no longer get invited to my home.

[SatelliteCity]

And yet, drama, your course of action has been to distance yourself from your nephew rather than attempting to parent him yourself, in the presence of his actual parents. At most it seems you have approached his mother about his behaviour.

Behaviour should be managed by the person in loco parentis. Exceptions exist (immediate danger, costly damage, bullying) when an instant response is needed and the parent/guardian doesn't provide it.

But generally speaking if a child's behaviour concerns or bothers you, you should raise it with the person responsible for the child.

There's no excuse for habitually attempting to take over parenting of a child that isn't yours and with whom you do not have a familial relationship.

Even if OP's child was a horror (and I see nothing in the original post to suggest she is) this man should raise his concerns with OP, not directly with a toddler by dishing out punishments as if he was her primary caregiver.

[Dramallama21]

I did attempt it myself a few times. Told him for throwing food on my floors, I got a resounding butt out. Just like op.

Fine. They can keep him out my house as his behaviour stinks and they cant see it.

[MaisyPops]

That's what I mean drama.

There's 3 year olds being 3 year olds and then there's 3 year olds like ypur nephew who are badly behaved and rude and everyone goes 'awww but kids will be kids' and run around after them (and I'd put money on them bring PITA by school).

As another poster has said, describing a child as lively and cheeky os often a euphemism for children who act like your nephew.

[Dramallama21]

And also there is no evidence that the ops child is a horror because she may not know.

My sister cannot see her childs behaviour is terrible. She thinks he is fine.

[MaisyPops]

See I think 'lively' and 'cheeky' say 'i know what my child is like but I think it is cute and adorable'

[JingsMahBucket]

The OP still hasn't returned yet.

[Armadillostoes]

OP sorry that you have experienced Mumsnet at its worst. Someone comes along, insecure about parenting a toddler and struggling with a mum with dementia and a bunch of judgemental idiots dog pile them for describing the child's age I'm a way which affronts them. Nice.

I doubt that you are still reading, but if you are, why not tell him directly that you find his behaviour undermining? Maybe he genuinely thinks that he is helping.

[SatelliteCity]

OP has made it clear that this man interferes with her parenting generally not just over matters of discipline. That's part of why I worry the assumptions that she's using coded words, etc, to support a reading of the situation as being about a naughty child is biased due to previous experiences and has little to do with the situation as presented. OP has said she doesn't believe her child is unusually poorly behaved. A contingent of people have decided she is (perhaps unwittingly) lying, and believe this becauae someone else disagrees with her parenting choices. I think its indicative of the way these threads often go, to be honest.

People respond to a theoretical question of non parental figures disciplining poorly behaved children in public, rather than the specific situation queried in the post. This often involves a lot of presumption and creative interpretation.

[mumof2sarah]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your mum ❤️

Secondly I feel like he's probably just feeling like he's helping you, knowing what's happening with your mum etc he probably feels a bit like he's "big brother" to you and wants to be apart of your lives for that reason.

I don't believe he should say about the naughty corner if you're there to do it though, but perhaps that's how his family did it when his child was that young!
Have a little word and just say I do appreciate you wanting to help but I'd prefer if you left me to handle things and if I do need help or advice about a matter I'll be sure you ask you.

[oldcrownie]

Other adults 'telling her off' is fine if you are not there but undermining you and interfering is not helpful at all. Im sure he means we'll but yes you need to say something. Not just for your own sanity but because its confusing for your daughter.

[sleeponeday]

As a more experienced parent, he should know that his behaviour undermines you in the eyes of your child, and as such is really poor. He's showing his lack of competence, IMO.

I'd have a word with your sister, because it could start world war three if you don't. Say it undermines you, that you don't share his views on parenting, and that you'd like her to ask him to stop. Then if he doesn't, I'd say something next time he seeks to step in.

I've had to do that before. I asked them to desist from interfering in my management as they were confusing my child. I did so in a way that brooked no argument. It worked.

[FlowerPot1234]

stitchglitched

No stitchglitched, I contribute opinions which differ from your own. That you find my opinion that children who are naughty and rude are far too often regarded as just plain "cheeky" by their parent posters here might be 'depressing' to you, but I find these endless excuses for poor behaviour positively tragic. I am not sure where you got the "behaving like a well programmed robot" bit from, other than your own peculiar imagination of course. How terrible for you and children around you that you regard well-behaved, polite children as "well programmed robots" instead of the lovely young individuals they are.

[Psychofortruth]

I think having positive reenforcement with children can do the world of good, who knows she might actually heed his warning....

But if you really find it such an issue just politely say, you would like to bring your daughter up in your own way although you will always be happy to hear his experiences... you never know you might just like something he says...

[Minaktinga]

I would broach it at a quiet time when your child isn’t there, maybe?
I know you’re trying to be helpful but it makes me feel uncomfortable when you tell her off. Would you mind holding fire and if I need backup I’ll give the signal.” Then have a laugh about thinking of a signal.

[Lovelymess]

Swtiched off after "34 months"

[zenaria]

Interesting responses! I am shocked at the few responses I read - focusing on your use of 34 months. I read it as you being specific as young children develop very quickly. It wasn't a nec specification IMO, but I would not have criticised you for it! Anyway... back to your actual post. I don't want anyone disciplining my children when I am present - unless I have given them permission to (e.g. in a school environment, a teacher). Your soon to be BIL's arrogance at 'knowing better than you' would infuriate me. I believe in 'it takes a village', but that does not include someone stepping in front of me to discipline my children, speaking over me to or telling ME off for 'doing it wrong' (because if there was one 'right' way to raise a child, we would all be doing it!!). Is he the sort that speaks over women in general? I would certainly say something to him - in a constructive way as he may become your BIL for life - and away from your daughter. Or, if you are not comfortable, have your sister speak to him. He ought to have the respect for you to speak to you if he has parenting suggestions, away from your daughter - at which time you can respectfully inform him that his ways are not yours or whatever. PS, contrary to others' posts, IMO your daughter's behaviour has nothing to do with how he behaves to you and her. If he was a respectful person, he would talk to you separately from the situation. Unless she is running completely amuck or being dangerous, he is being disrespectful to you both. All that being said, with regard to your bit about taking the advice of more experience parent: regardless of how it is delivered (i.e. no matter how infuriating or patronising), I still consider / evaluate what people say. I.e. don't automatically disregard what he is saying just because his delivery is disrespectful, but only you know what is best - it is your decision. :) Apologies if this is all a repeat! Good luck