To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[MistressDeeCee]

I have heard the expression 'it takes a village' a lot. It usually applies, in my mind, to cheeky fuckers who think they get to decide they're in my child's village

Exactly.

He's a controlling git OP. You don't need to be patronised or mansplained to by him, as if you're the little woman who needs taking in hand and don't know how to handle your own child. How much telling off does a 3 year old need anyway?

I wouldn't be able to stand him looming in the background waiting to open his big mouth - I'd have told him to fuck off long ago

As for "it takes a village" - it's very much like that in my culture. But in the situation you've described, that man would be put in his place for that behaviour before you even had a chance to speak to him on it. Some people are using sayings they know nothing about in practice.

But you'll have some man-focused people sticking the boot in to make you feel worse on here, some people get off on that. Ignore it.

You do need to be assertive however. Tell him in your own way to butt out. Keep it short and to the point, don't be queried on it. Broken record technique if you have to. Then leave it at that

& you can limit going round there if you feel you want to.

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

I think he’s trying to help, you can’t get past the baby stage and he sees that, you don’t live with him, so just tolerate it when he’s around. You dd maybe acting up a bit as you are still babying her.

[Abbylee]

I was told to make my children mind when i thought that they were fine. They are happy healthy young adults. At least one is....we have different standards. I wanted my dc to be respectful but not brow beaten. They are independent and kind. I wouldn't allow anyone to boss my dc unless i agreed with them. But i had criteria: respect, no harm to people, Themselves or things.

My brother had two sets of standards, one for his darlings and one for my dc whom he treated like goats.

[psicat]

underkerstumbled love it! Exactly what was going through my head!

OP I'm with those who think he should wind his neck in. I would not be impressed by someone putting my child on the naughty step for a start - I don't use this method as disagree with it.
Equally he is going to be family and clearly they spend time together so I'd suggest having a word with him out of her earshot about how you discipline and listen to what he suggests too. You are her mother so it is your say on how it is actioned but he has a right to say if she is doing something naughty/unacceptable.

[manicmij]

If a child is doing something to annoy me or dangerous I have no hesitation in telling them to stop. I don't suggest or ask I tell. Would not make threats though e.g. the naughty corner or mention any form of punishment as not my role, that is down the parent/guardian. Perhaps you are needing to be a bit more aware of how your daughter's behaviour affects others.

[marymoosmum]

Yanbu about the snide comments but yabu about him telling her off if she is naughty and you either haven't seen it or aren't going to do anything. She isn't a baby anymore, she needs to learn right from wrong.

[stitchglitched]

Stop what? Contributing to a discussion board and daring to disagree with you?

[FlowerPot1234]

stitchglitched oh just go away and sort out whatever problems you have in your head. Just stop.

[stitchglitched]

I don't believe I've ever engaged with you before, I usually just roll my eyes and scroll by when I see your posts. But on a thread such as this, with an OP who seems to be a caring mother going through a difficult time, and with it also transpiring that this child was extremely premature, your spite might actually cause some harm.

[stitchglitched]

FlowerPot and how terrible that you saw fit to tell an OP that her not even 3 year old is 'not normal' based on no evidence at all except your own bitter views about children.

[underkerstumbled]

Somebody SIL used the 'it takes a village to raise a child' expression with me once - in a somewhat intrusive I'm a Better Mother Than You way . I replied by asking her whether she'd ever heard the expression "Mind your own bloody business"?

[zenaria]

Interesting responses! I am shocked at the few responses I read - focusing on your use of 34 months. I read it as you being specific as young children develop very quickly. It wasn't a nec specification IMO, but I would not have criticised you for it! Anyway... back to your actual post. I don't want anyone disciplining my children when I am present - unless I have given them permission to (e.g. in a school environment, a teacher). Your soon to be BIL's arrogance at 'knowing better than you' would infuriate me. I believe in 'it takes a village', but that does not include someone stepping in front of me to discipline my children, speaking over me to or telling ME off for 'doing it wrong' (because if there was one 'right' way to raise a child, we would all be doing it!!). Is he the sort that speaks over women in general? I would certainly say something to him - in a constructive way as he may become your BIL for life - and away from your daughter. Or, if you are not comfortable, have your sister speak to him. He ought to have the respect for you to speak to you if he has parenting suggestions, away from your daughter - at which time you can respectfully inform him that his ways are not yours or whatever. PS, contrary to others' posts, IMO your daughter's behaviour has nothing to do with how he behaves to you and her. If he was a respectful person, he would talk to you separately from the situation. Unless she is running completely amuck or being dangerous, he is being disrespectful to you both. All that being said, with regard to your bit about taking the advice of more experience parent: regardless of how it is delivered (i.e. no matter how infuriating or patronising), I still consider / evaluate what people say. I.e. don't automatically disregard what he is saying just because his delivery is disrespectful, but only you know what is best - it is your decision. :) Apologies if this is all a repeat! Good luck

[Lovelymess]

Swtiched off after "34 months"

[Minaktinga]

I would broach it at a quiet time when your child isn’t there, maybe?
I know you’re trying to be helpful but it makes me feel uncomfortable when you tell her off. Would you mind holding fire and if I need backup I’ll give the signal.” Then have a laugh about thinking of a signal.

[Psychofortruth]

I think having positive reenforcement with children can do the world of good, who knows she might actually heed his warning....

But if you really find it such an issue just politely say, you would like to bring your daughter up in your own way although you will always be happy to hear his experiences... you never know you might just like something he says...

[FlowerPot1234]

stitchglitched

No stitchglitched, I contribute opinions which differ from your own. That you find my opinion that children who are naughty and rude are far too often regarded as just plain "cheeky" by their parent posters here might be 'depressing' to you, but I find these endless excuses for poor behaviour positively tragic. I am not sure where you got the "behaving like a well programmed robot" bit from, other than your own peculiar imagination of course. How terrible for you and children around you that you regard well-behaved, polite children as "well programmed robots" instead of the lovely young individuals they are.

[sleeponeday]

As a more experienced parent, he should know that his behaviour undermines you in the eyes of your child, and as such is really poor. He's showing his lack of competence, IMO.

I'd have a word with your sister, because it could start world war three if you don't. Say it undermines you, that you don't share his views on parenting, and that you'd like her to ask him to stop. Then if he doesn't, I'd say something next time he seeks to step in.

I've had to do that before. I asked them to desist from interfering in my management as they were confusing my child. I did so in a way that brooked no argument. It worked.

[oldcrownie]

Other adults 'telling her off' is fine if you are not there but undermining you and interfering is not helpful at all. Im sure he means we'll but yes you need to say something. Not just for your own sanity but because its confusing for your daughter.

[mumof2sarah]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your mum ❤️

Secondly I feel like he's probably just feeling like he's helping you, knowing what's happening with your mum etc he probably feels a bit like he's "big brother" to you and wants to be apart of your lives for that reason.

I don't believe he should say about the naughty corner if you're there to do it though, but perhaps that's how his family did it when his child was that young!
Have a little word and just say I do appreciate you wanting to help but I'd prefer if you left me to handle things and if I do need help or advice about a matter I'll be sure you ask you.

[SatelliteCity]

OP has made it clear that this man interferes with her parenting generally not just over matters of discipline. That's part of why I worry the assumptions that she's using coded words, etc, to support a reading of the situation as being about a naughty child is biased due to previous experiences and has little to do with the situation as presented. OP has said she doesn't believe her child is unusually poorly behaved. A contingent of people have decided she is (perhaps unwittingly) lying, and believe this becauae someone else disagrees with her parenting choices. I think its indicative of the way these threads often go, to be honest.

People respond to a theoretical question of non parental figures disciplining poorly behaved children in public, rather than the specific situation queried in the post. This often involves a lot of presumption and creative interpretation.

[Armadillostoes]

OP sorry that you have experienced Mumsnet at its worst. Someone comes along, insecure about parenting a toddler and struggling with a mum with dementia and a bunch of judgemental idiots dog pile them for describing the child's age I'm a way which affronts them. Nice.

I doubt that you are still reading, but if you are, why not tell him directly that you find his behaviour undermining? Maybe he genuinely thinks that he is helping.

[JingsMahBucket]

The OP still hasn't returned yet.

[MaisyPops]

See I think 'lively' and 'cheeky' say 'i know what my child is like but I think it is cute and adorable'