To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[stitchglitched]

MN is so predictable. Aresehole man taking it upon himself to lecture the OP and threatening to discipline a child who isn't his, in a house where he doesn't even live, and probably wouldn't say boo if there was a male parent there, but I knew as soon as I read the OP that all some would focus on was that she said 34 months. And the usual suspects would be along to talk about how awful and naughty toddlers who have tantrums are.

[Worriedobsessive]

Yep.

[MaisyPops]

I hear you. I'm under no illusion that motherhood is different to my experiences (I'm desperately still trying to start that journey). I don't think kids are entirely blank but I do still stand by my view that parents do shape children though.

I know toddlers have tantrums, but i also see the effect of people giving in to tantrums all the time when those kids get to 14.

The reason I was talking about how people may perceive the OP's situation is because a number if posters (not just me) have picked up on the fact that cheeky and lively are common euphemisms for badly behaved so whislt the fiancee overstepped with the naughty step, there may be reasons to for the OP to reflect on whether he has a point on things like 'could she not get it herself'. He has iverstepped in places, but he may have a point based on the description.

[MaisyPops]

And the usual suspects would be along to talk about how awful and naughty toddlers who have tantrums are.
Except all the way through the thread people have said toddlers do have tantrums and that's a part of life but some kids behave worse than others and it might be a point of reflection.

[stitchglitched]

The 'usual suspect' I was referring to was FlowerPot, whose contributions to threads about children are always pretty depressing. And they appear like clockwork on any thread where it is suggested a child might not be behaving like a well programmed robot.

[MaisyPops]

stitchglitched Ah right.
I thought it was a bizarre criticism of any of us who opened up the potential that it may be more the the usual 3 year old tantrums.
Sorry about that

[PenelopeStoppit]

Personally, I appreciate the two different views Maisy and Worried have been giving and think public threads are excellent for precisely this reason; that we can get a different viewpoint from our own.

For me the issue is simple- it is fine to tell off someone else's child if the parent or carer is about but doing nothing. The boyfriend is however telling the adult mother off. The OP needs to speak with the partner, or have a word with her sister who could speak to him quietly on her behalf. He may be surprised to hear the OP finds him intimidating and might back off.

[Worriedobsessive]

My path to motherhood was rather fraught too, IVF etc, I really hope you get there.Maisypops

(By way of an aside, I was a prolific poster on several well known message boards when we were ttc and in all of the hundreds of women that I saw post, only two didn’t get there. One has adopted a sibling group and the other found a surrogate (lots of late losses and cervix issues)I really hope you get there soon. )

[Worriedobsessive]

And sorry about the ironing your knickers comment.

[PenelopeStoppit]

Anecdotal evidence suggests being a teacher makes it harder to conceive too. It is because we are so stressed over doing the best for other people's kids, I think.

Took me ages, a move to a less stressful school and finally it happened. Early days of motherhood for me Worried but soon I too will be able to comment on parenting

[Mamabear4180]

Maisy You do make good points I just don't think it's true of the OP's situation. The boyfriend sounds like an overbearing arse who thinks he knows it all.

Tantrums can also be dealt with in a variety of ways depending why they start. It's not always obvious to an outsider what's really going on. My DD had a meltdown this morning because a nice elderly man asked her a few polite questions and complimented her shoes. It's not always what it seems and it's not always a discipline issue.

[FoolandFitz]

I work in a setting with three year olds.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her'

OP, this is fine. It's about encouraging independence. Nearly 3 year olds are very capable if you allow them the independence and, more importantly, they want to do things themselves and they want to help.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

Yabu to think no-one else should tell your dd off. If she's affecting someone else and you do nothing they are well within their rights imo.
But yanbu about your sisters fiancé. I also, unfortunately, have experience of a relative who likes to mansplain parenting to anyone who will listen (basically no-one) because he has grown up kids. Despite the fact he didn't live with them for most of their lives and has had very little to do with their upbringing. Not just parenting either - he seems to be an expert on pretty much any subject.
In your situation op I'd have to give it some 'Really? They used to advise doing that when yours were younger'

[Quartz2208]

Maisypops I dont disagree with a lot of what you say I just think you are extrapolating from the post and taking it in a different direction to me.

I very much see it as someone who is uncomfortable with their sister fiancee and how they interact with them and their child. That tension leads to her micromanaging her daughters behaviour (coupled with her mothers dementia) because she feels uncomfortable (leading to the let her do it herself comments) which makes her even more tense that her daughter then picks up on which ultimately leads to a tantrum.

To me in THIS situation he sounds like the problem and she has every right not to want him to interfer. And this is what starts the spiral of her and her daughter behaviour from the beginning

[ForgetMeNotCat]

Hopefully the fiance will be fine with the op telling him how to parent his 15 year old and asking if he is not going to punish her for stuff.

[MaisyPops]

penelope Sometimes I have wondered if teaching makes it hard due to stress. One of my colleagues had difficulties too.

That's ebcouraging worried. We aren't at thr point of IVF yet but are getting tests done whilst staying optimistics.

I think a few of us see it from different angles, but that's why these threads are good because even if it gets heated it is interesting.

I think thr finance was out of order on some things but do have some sympathy as from the OP i did pick up a bit of 'stroppy trantrummy 3 year old who gets babied'.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

And even if if the kid is being a bit babied and the op may be better letting her do some things herself it's got sweet fa to do with her sisters fiancé. I have friends who helped their kids dress for much longer than I did. One of them used to get called to wipe their kids bum until they were about 8. And very few of my 10yr old dd's friends do their own hair whereas my dd has for years. I could go around sharing my wisdom with them but I would likely come across as a smug irritant who felt I had the right to tell them how to parent rather than someone offering help and advice.
If you do want to offer advice you could say something like 'I always used to encourage mine to do as much as they could for themselves even if it wasn't perfect' rather than demanding the op 'let her do it herself'.

[MaisyPops]

I don't think he did it the right way and dont think he should have done the naughty step. I guess i was just thinking how exasperated he might have been.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

Sounds more like a pain in the arse who thinks he knows it all to me but it's all about interpretation isn't it.

[Quartz2208]

Maisypops reading some previous posts she seems to have been a 26 weeker which does explain both the 34 months bit and how she might baby her a little.

But I think some of that also comes from trying to micro manage a difficult situation (mother with Alzheimers, childless sister, difficult fiancee)

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

I missed that Quartz. I imagine constantly having to adjust age for development checks would make 34 months come more naturally than nearly three.

[Pennypickle]

I guess your parenting isn’t working if others feel the need to step in to assist Your dc to behave accordingly. That’s it in a nutshell really...

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

The answer depends on what your child is doing and wether you respond correctly or not. We all parent differently so opinions will also vary. Need more information really.

[SatelliteCity]

There are two options. Either the fiance is overbearing and undermining the OP's parenting because he's sure he knows best or the child is a hellion so awful he can't help but step in.

I think it's a bit sad so many jumped straight to the second option based on an age descriptor (which it now seems there may be a reason for) and an attempt to acknowledge imperfect behaviour (because let's face it, if she hadn't put that in, someone would be scoffing at her claims of having a "perfect" child).

Honestly people seem to be using the thread to litigate issues about non parental punishment that aren't relevant based on the information we have.

OP this guy's a jackass. This is probably also confusing and scary to your daughter.