To think only I should tell her off?

[RexMyDarling]

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Lurker
Nothing wrong with a bloody good tantrum at 3.

[MaisyPops]

worried
What? For suggesting that there's a differenve between a normal 3 year old and a badly behaved one?

It's no different to there being a difference between a normal teenager with mood swings who pushes boundaries and a teenager who decides to be insolent and abusive.

One side is the nornal part of growing up, the other is bad behaviour.

[longestlurkerever]

Ffs. My dd2 is a shade younger than the op's DD at 2.5. She is disruptive in the sense that she will come and bang on the piano when dd1 is playing it, she had a strop the other day about wanting her trick or treat sweets for breakfast and she is rude in the sense that she told me last night that the omelette I made was disgusting. Obviously I told her those things were wrong but I haven't written her off as ungovernable and a terror. She's a toddler and still learning social rules and how to cope with her emotions. And fwiw she is a lot less lively and high maintenance than my dd1, though I've brought them up in the same way.

[carefreeeee]

I think he should be able to tell her off if she's seriously out of line, if you aren't around. If you are he shouldn't interfere. However it sounds more like he's telling you off from the examples you give. I would find that extremely annoying

[Quartz2208]

Maisypops but the cheeky is in relation to pushing boundaries and throwing a tantrum (very normal and needed in order to learn) and she never uses the word lively

[Worriedobsessive]

Do you have kids of your own Maisypops? Because a two year old having a strop is absolutely “normal” or certainly standard.

[MaisyPops]

Nobody is saying kids don't have strops.

People are saying that there is a difference between normal 3ish year old behaviour and a badly behaved child.

Anyone who says there's no differenve is being ridiculous.

Otherwise I look forward to those people never complaining about other children at pre school ever because all behaviour is normal.

[longestlurkerever]

I still don't quite picture what you mean. Aggressive behaviour is all I can imagine you're talking about - biting, kicking etc. There's no hint of that in the op's description.

[Worriedobsessive]

You didn’t answer Maisypops

[MaisyPops]

But as many people are saying you can read between the lines of the post

Lively
Cheeky
Throws a tantrum when the need arises
Sister's fiance has said 'cant she get that herself'
Described as being 34 months and babied

It paints an image (to a number of posters) of a 3 year old who is babied, waited on hand and foot and is rude and badly behaved.
But then this has already been discussed several times on this thread.

[longestlurkerever]

Yes I agree it wasn't just you. I still can't quite picture this "rude and badly behaved" not-quite-three year old. Ime they can all be a bit like that. But perhaps i am one of those parents too.

[MaisyPops]

In my experience with kids there's a differemce at all ages (having worked from 2 through to 19 in a range of roles) between typical features of an age and poor behavior.

E.g. all 2-3 year old have meltdowns abd strops. My nephews recently was because he wanted an apple so his dad cut him an apple and the reason for his 3 year old strop was because the apple he wanted had been cut for him!
That's different to a child who learns that they get their own way if they throw a tantrum and mum/dad will give in because it's easier.

I'm not sayong the OP's child is at thay far end, but based on the description given they sound more mollycoded than others.

It's a bit like by 13-15. There's normal teen angst and associated can't be botheredness and 'mum dad teachera are awful' and then behaviour that involves being quite rude and unpleasant.

[Worriedobsessive]

So that would be a “no” then, Maisypops.

[MaisyPops]

No i don't but I fail to see how over 10 years experience working with kids gives me less knowledge of children than someone who has 34 months experienve of their own just because they happen to have been pregnant.

It's like when someone tried to patronisingly ask my colleague if they had children. She rightly replied that the historic content of her uterus has zero impact on her knowledge of chilsren.

[MaisyPops]

Are you one of these peoplr who thinks 'as a mother...' gives your view additional weight.

There are normal/typical behaviour features at each age.
There are chilsren who learn to thrown tantrums to get their own way at each age.

If you want to tell me otherwise on the grounds you happen to have had a child of your own then be my guest, but it flies in the face of evidence.

[Mamabear4180]

There's nothing wrong with saying 34 months and my DD is the same age. I just say 3 in December though but it's fine so people need to chill out, it doesn't mean she's babied it's just a description ffs!

There's a difference between someone else telling your child off and someone telling you how to parent and dictating to you. I couldn't stand this personally (either actually).

People are trying to read in between the lines and make something out of nothing. The op doesn't think her DD's behaviour warrants all the discipline this man is pushing for. Frankly it's nobody else's business.

No i don't but I fail to see how over 10 years experience working with kids gives me less knowledge of children than someone who has 34 months experienve of their own just because they happen to have been pregnant.

It gives you less knowledge of parenting which is what this thread is about.

YADNBU OP

[MaisyPops]

But not on the idea that there is a differenve between a normal 3 year old and one who throws tantrums to get what they like all the time because they know the adults will give in.

It's like people who think nobody should comment on their children when they're running around cafes or scooting around department stores on heelies and trot out the line 'but kids will be kids'. The only people who say that are people who explain away behavioir of children.

[Worriedobsessive]

If it doesn’t make any difference Maisypops how come I could tell from your posts you didn’t have any?

[Acadia]

While in general I think other people do have the right to say "no" or something if your child is hurting them or in danger, or to step in if the parent is totally ignoring their misbehaving child, for the most part I do think people could do with keeping their beak out if all they want to do is criticise how she opens a Kit Kat or pronounces 'bath'.

However, that aside, he sounds like a bully. The last thing your daughter needs in her life is some random unrelated man bullying her, criticising her and acting like he has the right to tell her what to do.

I'd be keeping my daughter away from such a creature.

[Ambonsai]

He's your sisters boyfriend, he doesn't get to tell your child to go in the naughty corner.

Yanbu
I actually don't care if your child is v badly behaved, he doesn't get to tell her off

[Mamabear4180]

My 3 year old throws tantrums because she has sensory issues and ASD and gets overwhelmed. You wouldn't know that though on the outside looking in Maisy

It's best not to judge without knowing people's circumstances. You have a way of dealing with kids in your care, if you were a parent you'd find those methods work very differently at home. Parenting is a completely different ball game.

[Imaginosity]

People on here are so strange! Two and three year olds are babies. It is very normal for a lot of them to tantrum and be cheeky.

I would avoid that man - he sounds interferring and controlling. When I'm around him I'd stand up for myself and my child and tell him not to get involved. He's not some sort of expert on all children and how to parent them just because he raised one child.

[MaisyPops]

Because I said that I'd socialise with my friends when they had childcare if they allowed their child to tantrum abd throw things in my house? Becausr i don't subscribe to the idea that 'you can only speak to my child if i say so'. Because I find it bizare that on a play date some people would let a child behave how thry like, lie to the parent and then not invite them back rather than mention poor behaviour to the parent? Because I'm a bit jaded having had so many interactions with peoplr who excuse their child's poor behaviour that i believe (additional needs excluding) parebt attitude and child behaviour go hand in hand?

Some parents hate the idea of anyone commenting on noticably bad behaviour.

When i was a kid if we were spotted out being noisy someone would tell us to be quiet and stop and we would listen because I wouldn't have dared go home and say 'Kiera's mam told us to stop being noisy'. If i was at a play date, their hosue theit rules. Again, if I misbehaved then my friend's parents would have told my parents and vice versa. We were expected to do basic age appropriate tasks for ourselves from 3-4 and weren't mollycoddled.

But then nobody called kids 'cheeky' like it's some adorable quirk. If you were cheeky it was considered rude.

I don't need to be a parent to have views shaped by my upbringing and over a decade working with kids. In my experience the only people who get twitchy and defensive about how children behave are the onrs who excuse poor behaviour.

[Worriedobsessive]

I hear you Maisypops but you’re entirely missing the point. You’re looking at behaviour from a different perspective - that of a professional, or an aunt, or an adult friend. When you’ve had the huge shock that motherhood isn’t like you thought it might be because the kids aren’t a blank canvas, over which you’d gnaw your own arm in a heartbeat then your perspective changes. That’s not patronising or critical. Just a different experience.

[Mittens1969]

I don’t have a problem with other people telling my DDs off at all; I do think the issue in this case was that the OP’s sister’s boyfriend had no business getting involved. He hardly knows the OP’s DD and it wasn’t his house. He had no place saying she should go in the ‘naughty corner’.

If the OP had said that her DM or sister had said something that would be totally different and very appropriate.