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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to go as a gay friend's plus one to a wedding?

75 replies

KnittingNancy2017 · 09/11/2017 13:26

I can't decide. We're very close and go out a lot together because we have similar tastes in music and films. We're both single at the moment (I had a nasty break up, so have been a bit put off dating, and he's struggled to find anybody he'd like to go out with) so it works well!

He's going to a friend's wedding in a couple of months and it invites a plus one. He asked if I'd like to go, saying it's a big wedding and he won't know that many people because it's his parents' friends' daughter, and there's a ceilidh which we both love and dance together well (Scottish university - lots of practice!).

But he's not out to this set of friends or his family. He's not 'obviously' gay (I was surprised when he told me) and he's sure they don't know.

We don't really talk about it, but I know he doesn't really like the fact that he's gay and finds it quite hard. I'm a bit worried that he's taking me to this to fend off the "have you found a nice girlfriend yet" questions, because people will assume we're a couple.

I don't think he can stay closeted all his life (he was reasonably out at university - he didn't announce it, but it wasn't a secret), so I just worry if I say yes to this it will make it more complicated for him later.

OP posts:

Hillarious · 09/11/2017 13:29

I don't see the problem for you.

jay55 · 09/11/2017 13:31

If he’s a good friend, is being his beard for the day that big a deal?
You’d have fun, he would be able to relax around his family.

When and if he comes out to his family is not something you should influence.

gateto · 09/11/2017 13:32

Absolutely not a problem. You don't need to say either way, and if people make assumptions they're just assumptions. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourselves!

PinkHeart5914 · 09/11/2017 13:34

Why would it be an issue? you don’t have to be shagging your plus one, Your just 2 people going to a wedding

I’d absolutely go. If he ever wants to come out to the world and his wife that is up to him and nobody else

sooperdooper · 09/11/2017 13:34

You're completely overthinking it, go, have fun, what other people think or don't think isn't important

Have a nice time!

Mxyzptlk · 09/11/2017 13:34

The answer to any questions is surely "We're just friends." What anyone wants to make of that is up to them.
Have a chat to your friend about it, if you're worried.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 09/11/2017 13:36

I don't think pp have actually thought it through if they can't see a problem.

If hes not out to them and he is actively trying to hide it, is he bringing you as a friend or as a fake girlfriend? Are you supposed to pretend to be one? Are you supposed to lie to his family and friends when they ask you questions? Are you supposed to pretend he is straight?

There is more to it than just "go, have fun!". You need to know the parameters of the invite before you can decide.

BenLui · 09/11/2017 13:39

His sexuality and any related revelations to his family are none of your business. Obviously you are concerned but it’s his journey, not yours.

If anyone asks just tell the truth “we’re good friends”.

BenLui · 09/11/2017 13:42

hot I wouldn’t for a moment suggest that the OP should lie or be anything less than honest about her own circumstances.

It’s not that unusual to take a friend as a plus one even if they were both heterosexual.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 09/11/2017 13:42

But they are her business IF she is being used as a shield.

SilverSpot · 09/11/2017 13:47

go, have fun, support your friend ans say "oh, we are good friends" if anyone asks about you.

PandorasXbox · 09/11/2017 13:50

I doubt anyone would actually ask if you were a couple.

MammaTJ · 09/11/2017 13:56

I think it is a nice thing to do with and for a friend.

Darlingsof · 09/11/2017 13:56

Go and if anyone asks just say that you're friends. Easy. He's not going to introduce you as his 'girlfriend' is he?

RhiannonOHara · 09/11/2017 14:00

I'd find this hard. I don't think it'll be as easy as 'Oh, we're friends.'/'Oh that's nice.' End of conversation. It'll be 'Do you know his girlfriend?' 'Why isn't his girlfriend here?' 'Does he have a girlfriend? Why not, ha ha...'.

I wouldn't go as someone's beard for this reason. It'd be uncomfortable. Plus I couldn't trust myself not to inadvertently out them; I have foot-in-mouth syndrome sometimes,and often when I'm around people I don't really know and therefore nervous.

WomblingThree · 09/11/2017 14:02

How is it @hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea? She can only be “used” if she lets herself. If she’s open about the fact they are platonic friends, then she isn’t anyone’s shield.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 09/11/2017 14:05

Remove the word Gay. He is just a friend, his sexuality has nothing to do with the wedding invite.
Would you go with a good friend as a plus one?

How does will him having a friend of the opposite gender complicate anything.
I regularly go out with gay friends.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 09/11/2017 14:05

I don't think you're actually thinking it through. She will be there, talking to his friends etc, about what? Him, probably, since that will be all they have in common. what does she say if they ask if she is his GF? No, obviously. But what if they ask does he have a GF? What does she say, knowing he is not out to them? Lie, or tell the truth?

Crunchymum · 09/11/2017 14:08

Ask him if you are being invited as a friend or a decoy!

MissionItsPossible · 09/11/2017 14:10

I agree with hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea

I'm gay and have a gay friend who is in the closet (due to religion) and it makes it very difficult in social situations where his family members are there and having remember what to say, what not to say, who his latest girlfriend is, why they split up, is there a new girlfriend on the horizion blah blah blah. I can imagine it being even worse at a wedding.

If you want to do it and don't mind fending off those questions (if you get them) then I'd say be a good friend and do it. I'd establish whether you're going as a friend or a beard though beforehand.

KalaLaka · 09/11/2017 14:10

You're overthinking this. Just go and enjoy the wedding.

mummmy2017 · 09/11/2017 14:10

I would do this for a friend and have done when a long time ago his workplace would have sacked him for his sexual preferences, I think having your friends back is a massive part of friendship.

BenLui · 09/11/2017 14:12

She answers with the truth.

Does he have a girlfriend? No
Has he ever had a girlfriend? I’m his mate not his social secretary, ask him yourself!

Is he gay? Why are you asking? Do you fancy him?

Seriously, it’s not that difficult. It’s a wedding, not an interrogation. These are his friends and family.

PlausibleSuit · 09/11/2017 14:13

You might be overthinking this, and you also might not be.

I'm a gay man myself so I've had friends in both your and your friend's position. It can be really tricky and weddings can be particularly hard.

Your wording about him not liking the fact that he's gay and finding it hard stood out for me. If you get the sense you're being used as a beard, then it might warrant a further conversation with him about how you might handle certain situations and people. It's for him to decide when and how he comes out, but at the same time, you don't want to be complicit in a lie. As you say, you don't want to be part of a 'misunderstanding' that he has to correct later on.

That said, if none of that is the case, it could also be a lot of fun. Go along, pretend you're Madonna and Rupert Everett and have a giggle. I've plus-one'd with female friends many times at weddings and more often than not had a blast. BUT I am out with everyone, and no one is under any illusion that I am straight.

sooperdooper · 09/11/2017 14:13

I've been to weddings as a plus one with friends mate and female and I still think it's only an issue if you make it one

If anyone asks 'we're both single but just friends' is the truth - unless you're expecting him to lie & say you're his girlfriend!?

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