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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to go as a gay friend's plus one to a wedding?

75 replies

KnittingNancy2017 · 09/11/2017 13:26

I can't decide. We're very close and go out a lot together because we have similar tastes in music and films. We're both single at the moment (I had a nasty break up, so have been a bit put off dating, and he's struggled to find anybody he'd like to go out with) so it works well!

He's going to a friend's wedding in a couple of months and it invites a plus one. He asked if I'd like to go, saying it's a big wedding and he won't know that many people because it's his parents' friends' daughter, and there's a ceilidh which we both love and dance together well (Scottish university - lots of practice!).

But he's not out to this set of friends or his family. He's not 'obviously' gay (I was surprised when he told me) and he's sure they don't know.

We don't really talk about it, but I know he doesn't really like the fact that he's gay and finds it quite hard. I'm a bit worried that he's taking me to this to fend off the "have you found a nice girlfriend yet" questions, because people will assume we're a couple.

I don't think he can stay closeted all his life (he was reasonably out at university - he didn't announce it, but it wasn't a secret), so I just worry if I say yes to this it will make it more complicated for him later.

OP posts:

weasledee · 09/11/2017 16:43

I did this about 20 years ago! Gay friend asked me to go to his sisters wedding with him as his “plus one” as he hadn’t come out to his family as this point. So I went along and all the grandparents were thrilled as the assumed he finally “had a girlfriend” (they didn’t say it to me directly but friend reported back to me)
Was awkward at the night do when my actual boyfriend (now husband) came along!

Original poster

KnittingNancy2017 · 09/11/2017 16:44

So I think the bride might be his mum's goddaughter. So his whole family are going (parents, brother + girlfriend, sister + boyfriend).

Then I think there are a couple of other whole families he knows, but won't know the school/university/work friends.

Actually reading back I wonder if he feels the odd one out because the rest of his family will be coupled up!

The current squeeze part is how I think of plus ones being, which is why this "just friends" thing seems slightly odd to me!

OP posts:

Dozer · 09/11/2017 16:47

That’s because it is odd. Whoever is paying for the wedding probably wouldn’t want to stump up for a mate to attend.

Mittens1969 · 09/11/2017 16:54

I don’t really think it’s right tbh. If you’re not a couple then how could it be appropriate for you to go to the west at all? You pay a lot per head for a wedding reception. He should just go as a single.

PlausibleSuit · 09/11/2017 17:05

I wonder if he feels the odd one out because the rest of his family will be coupled up!

So therefore, yes, you should assume that most/many people attending will assume that you and he are a couple, especially his family. Allowing them to think of you in this way at this wedding might save him an awkward conversation for a few more months. (Although I don't know him so I could be doing him a disservice here.)

The question is whether you are comfortable existing within that lie. Whether he is is a matter for him. I could write pages about the issues with gay men who aren't out - both for them and for their families and friends - but it would derail the thread so I won't.

But I'm with Bertrand. Don't get caught up in the beard zone. That way pain lies. For everyone.

sooperdooper · 09/11/2017 17:21

I think it’s cheeky to take a “plus one” who you’re not in a sexual relationship with to a wedding

I've never heard anyone say that in my life, if you're given a 'plus one' it means the B&G know you're not in a serious relationship or they'd name them on the invite! But a plus one doesn't have to be a partner, it's usually in my experience because they realise that everyone at weddings tends to be in couples, so it gives you the opportunity to have someone with you - it does not in any way suggest that you have to be in a relationship with that person

I think some people like to invent 'rules' around weddings just to be bloody awkward

Two friends at our wedding didn't come with partners, if you offer a plus one you don't dictate who that is

sooperdooper · 09/11/2017 17:23

It's relevant because he is asking her to be a beard.

Is he? I never read that?

Because the OP hasn't said that at all, everyone's jumping to huge assumptions

OP just ask your mate to make sure everyone knows he's bringing an old friend from uni and that's that

ForalltheSaints · 09/11/2017 17:26

As long as you are honest that you are in effect his dance partner and he does not say you are anything other than an old friend from uni, nothing wrong in my opinion.

CakesRUs · 09/11/2017 17:52

His close family know you’re a buddy, I assume? It’s those that really matter, as long as he’s not expecting you to lie about the situation, I wouldn’t worry about it. Hope you have a good time if you go.

WhatwouldAryado · 09/11/2017 18:10

You Don't have to pretend. Just the facts. We're friends from university. People make assumptions all over the place. But if you enjoy your friend's company and like a ceildh it sounds good. Don't over think it.

Chrys2017 · 09/11/2017 18:13

What I can't understand is why you want to go the wedding of a couple you don't know. Weddings are dull, expensive for the attendees, and to be avoided unless one absolutely can't get out of it.

overnightangel · 09/11/2017 18:19

Ignore the likes of @hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea who sounds like an horrendous person frankly, get your glad rags on and enjoy yourself with your friend!
Why do people have to fuss on so much.

overnightangel · 09/11/2017 18:22

“it’s cheeky to take a “plus one” who you’re not in a sexual relationship with to a wedding”

Should my Christian cousin who didn’t sleep with her husband til they were married not have come to my brother’s wedding then?

Dozer · 09/11/2017 18:45

Of course, a couple who are dating, romantically involved, but not actually having sex, are still a couple.

OP and her mate are not.

LondonGirl83 · 09/11/2017 19:00

I had multiple people bring friends as their plus one to my wedding. It's so people aren't alone

Original poster

KnittingNancy2017 · 09/11/2017 19:12

I probably see more of him than I did of some of my actual boyfriends

There seems quite a divide on whether friends are ok or not. He's invited me so I presume it's ok, but I'll ask him whether other people are taking a friend or whether it will all be couples.

OP posts:

RhiannonOHara · 10/11/2017 11:21

I think it’s cheeky to take a “plus one” who you’re not in a sexual relationship with to a wedding.

What a mad thing to say. I have never ever ever been to a wedding where the invite said 'Rhiannon + 1 but please note only if you're shagging them'.

minipie · 10/11/2017 11:24

if you're given a 'plus one' it means the B&G know you're not in a serious relationship or they'd name them on the invite!

But it could mean the B&G know you're dating someone but aren't quite sure of the name or whether you are still seeing them. Some of my friends' love lives moved af lightning speed and I couldn't alway keep up! Still means someone you are dating not a friend.

PiffleandWiffle · 10/11/2017 11:33

Whoever is paying for the wedding probably wouldn’t want to stump up for a mate to attend.

What a strange outlook, they've paid for X amount of heads - makes not a jot if someone takes their friend, partner or sister along with them!! No different to taking a wife/husband that neither Bride or Groom have met...

+1 means just that....

PiffleandWiffle · 10/11/2017 11:35

Still means someone you are dating not a friend.

Absolute tosh! Maybe to you at your wedding, don't project your strange views to all weddings though!!

MinorRSole · 10/11/2017 11:42

I don’t see the issue over the plus one thing, wouldn’t have bothered me at my wedding.

I also think it’s irrelevant whether he has come out as gay or not because he shouldn’t have to. I didn’t come out as straight to my parents and my daughter didn’t come out as bi to me. Her first partner was male, her second was female and nothing as been said regarding either.

It’s 2017, time the whole ‘coming out’ bullshit was forgotten

RhiannonOHara · 10/11/2017 12:01

I thought "plus one" always meant "your current squeeze, if you have one". And if you don't have one it means you go as a single. Not bring along a mate.

So why do people bother with adding 'plus one' to the invite if they're not sure you're seeing anyone and would like you to come on your own if you're not?

When you reply with 'me and my plus one are both coming, we'd like the chicken, thanks' they'll order the chicken for two people and it doesn't matter at all whether the person who's going to eat it is shagging you or not.

This is bizarre.

Hollyhop17 · 10/11/2017 12:30

I'm finding it odd that so many people think plus one means a sexual partner! I've never come across this before and have been a mates plus one!

sooperdooper · 10/11/2017 13:42

Hollyhop that's because it IS odd, nobody thinks this IRL, it's clearly an 'only on MN' thing for people who like to create weird rules where none exist

ohohoops · 11/11/2017 07:40

I think some of the views here on 'plus ones' are weird. I invited all friends to have a plus one at my wedding as they were my guests and I wanted them to have a good time. Nothing worse than a party when you don't know anyone very well. It didn't matter to me if they were a friend or a partner or whatever. OP I would go and keep your friend company but just say if asked that we are just friends.

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