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Original poster

...to go as a gay friend's plus one to a wedding?

75 replies

KnittingNancy2017 · 09/11/2017 13:26

I can't decide. We're very close and go out a lot together because we have similar tastes in music and films. We're both single at the moment (I had a nasty break up, so have been a bit put off dating, and he's struggled to find anybody he'd like to go out with) so it works well!

He's going to a friend's wedding in a couple of months and it invites a plus one. He asked if I'd like to go, saying it's a big wedding and he won't know that many people because it's his parents' friends' daughter, and there's a ceilidh which we both love and dance together well (Scottish university - lots of practice!).

But he's not out to this set of friends or his family. He's not 'obviously' gay (I was surprised when he told me) and he's sure they don't know.

We don't really talk about it, but I know he doesn't really like the fact that he's gay and finds it quite hard. I'm a bit worried that he's taking me to this to fend off the "have you found a nice girlfriend yet" questions, because people will assume we're a couple.

I don't think he can stay closeted all his life (he was reasonably out at university - he didn't announce it, but it wasn't a secret), so I just worry if I say yes to this it will make it more complicated for him later.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 09/11/2017 14:13

Hmm. I've been a beard a couple of times. You always gave to lie. It's not a very comfortable place to be.

Original poster
KnittingNancy2017 · 09/11/2017 14:19

I think I'm thinking more about it because it's his family and his friends. If there were other people we both knew (university people I suppose) I'd happily go.

It's just this is very much his home turf. I might be projecting from my family, but if I took somebody along and they didn't know him there would be a lot of questions about how we knew each other, with the subtext of "it must be quite serious if she's invited him to X's wedding!".

I know it's none of my business how/if he ever comes out to them, but I've been there when he's been upset and know he struggles with it. If I go and then years later he tries to come out and they say "well, what about that nice Nancy you brought to the wedding", I'd feel like I'd made it worse!

I think I need to speak to him and if I go he'll have explained to his family that I'm a good friend, and I'm going so we can split the drive and I'd love to do a ceilidh again!

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 09/11/2017 14:22

Just go - have a wonderful time. I envy a ceilidh at a wedding.

I don't know anyone at weddings meeting strangers who asks how people are related/getting on together/sexuality - bar "how do you know the bride and groom".

If someone is seriously intrusive "and when are you two going up the aisle" then "not even on our radar yet" will do.

And it's up to him how he deals with everything. He clearly doesn't see taking you as a problem so leave it to him. If his parents are there and ask who you are, then just talk about yourself - and say you're uni friends. His friends will already know you're uni friends.

BertrandRussell · 09/11/2017 14:37

I wouldn't do it.

Migraleve · 09/11/2017 14:50

I don’t understand the problem?

You are going to a wedding with a friend - what’s the relevance of his sexuality Confused

Standingcat · 09/11/2017 14:50

I have done this a few time, one guy not out, I was his friend, everyone was welcoming and it was a lovely wedding, then he was asked about me, did he fancy me etc etc for a while after the wedding, it took some heat off him about his sexuality for a while. I think his DM still wishes we were together! ( he is out now)

Another one of my gay friends I basically invited myself as his plus one following his break up from a LTR, I wanted to protect him a bit and also wanted to meet his family. again a stunning day, I stopped him from making a drunken pass at a straight guy, we stayed up late , talked late into the night etc We are best friends now and I love his family!

You have nothing to lose!

RhiannonOHara · 09/11/2017 14:54

If someone is seriously intrusive "and when are you two going up the aisle" then "not even on our radar yet" will do.

I couldn't live with that. It's not a lie exactly, but it's a massive side-swerve IMO.

I don't know anyone at weddings meeting strangers who asks how people are related/getting on together/sexuality - bar "how do you know the bride and groom". We have been to very different weddings. Grin

BertrandRussell · 09/11/2017 15:08

"I don’t understand the problem?

You are going to a wedding with a friend - what’s the relevance of his sexuality confused"

It's relevant because he is asking her to be a beard.

Migraleve · 09/11/2017 15:12

It's relevant because he is asking her to be a beard.

Is he? I never read that?

BertrandRussell · 09/11/2017 15:18

Oh, come on! It's his family and friends. He isn't out and doesn't like that he's gay..........

Sammymommy · 09/11/2017 15:21

Sure enough he's got a brain, he doesn't need people to think for him and wonder if it is going to make it harder for him to come out later. If you want to go, go abd havr fun. Let him be responsible of when he comes out to who

Frazzled2207 · 09/11/2017 15:24

I think it’s fine. Any awkward questions can be met with “we’re just friends”.

I thought it was relatively common for single friends to be able to bring a “plus one”. Assuming they think he’s single I don’t think it’s an issue at all who he brings.

BertrandRussell · 09/11/2017 15:25

Fair enough. I just don't care to be used.

Somerville · 09/11/2017 15:29

I'm trying to work out what I would do if I was single and one of my friends asked this.

I don't think I'd say "I don't want to be your beard", as, well, cringe. I think I would ask whether, if I met anyone I liked on the night I was free to hook up with them. If no, I'd assume beard and wouldn't attend - I'm not very comfortable with deception.

blackteasplease · 09/11/2017 15:35

I agree with p.p. who said remove the word gay. Just introduce yourself to people as a friend. Correct anyone who suggests you are a girlfriend where appropriate but don't spend the day worrying about it.

LondonGirl83 · 09/11/2017 15:42

This isn't a problem. Go and if anyone asks if you are his girlfriend say no. I doubt anyone who knows him will ask you if he has a girlfriend rather than asking him. If they do though just say no. Anyone rude enough to ask why you should just direct to ask him as it not any of your business but the chance of that happening is close to zero

Itsonkyme · 09/11/2017 15:47

I'm sorry but I think that you are making a massive "thing" about this.
If it is making you so uncomfortable going to the wedding with him, just say no. I'm sure he will find another girl friend to go with him.

heavenforbid · 09/11/2017 15:54

OP if it's any comfort we went to a family wedding last year and were sat with a colleague of the groom and his plus one. I (naively) assumed they were a couple but they hadn't been directly introduced as such so I didn't ask any questions. Turns out they aren't a couple, just good friends, and he had been given a plus one as the wedding was a long way from home for him and he wouldn't know anyone there other than the groom.

Whether he's going to be implying that you are a couple is a separate issue, but if not and you both act as friends as you normally would then I don't think people would ask lots of questions. Sounds like a fun wedding to be honest!

Kewcumber · 09/11/2017 16:11

If he's a good enough friend to invite you as his "plus one" then he's a good enough friend to ask "Is it going to be OK to confirm that I'm not your girlfriend if asked? Or are you planning to try to pass me off as one?"

Then you accept or not depending on the answer and how comfortable you are with it.

Personally I let people manage their own relationships with their family and don't try to decide what's right for them (even though I am of course invariably right).

Kewcumber · 09/11/2017 16:12

I strongly suspect that my BIl is gay. Wouldn't occur to me for a nanosecond to be disapproving of him not coming out with his family. It's his life.

Original poster
KnittingNancy2017 · 09/11/2017 16:22

I think perhaps I just have a very nosey family then Grin It would be surprising in my family/family friends to bring a plus one that wasn't somebody fairly serious, especially to a wedding quite a distance away.

I do want to go, I love a good ceilidh and hopefully you'll be right and nobody will ask. If they do, I can say I'm a good friend from university who now lives local to him Smile

And of course if/when he comes out is up to him! He's never actually had a boyfriend, so I suppose there's never been somebody to introduce and do it that way.

OP posts:
ArialAnna · 09/11/2017 16:24

Wait a sec, the wedding is for his parents' friends' daughter (pretty distant link) and he says he won't know many people. It might only be his parents there he knows really well. Most people there will be the bride and grooms intermediate family and friends. So there's hardly going to be a queue of people lining up to interrogate you! Just go and enjoy it and in the unlikely event anyone asks, say you're good friends.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2017 16:24

If people assume someone is straight, that's their prejudice. Not your issue. Just say, "we're friends" if asked and have fun.

Dozer · 09/11/2017 16:32

I think it’s cheeky to take a “plus one” who you’re not in a sexual relationship with to a wedding.

If you don’t know the couple and / or other guests well enough to have a decent time as a single guest, why bother going?

Agree that you need to establish the basis of the invitation and what he’d want you to say when asked about your relationship. People ask all kinds of personal Qs at weddings - how do you know the couple? How long have you been together?

minipie · 09/11/2017 16:39

I think it’s cheeky to take a “plus one” who you’re not in a sexual relationship with to a wedding.

Yeah this. Surprised so many on this thread have done it. I thought "plus one" always meant "your current squeeze, if you have one". And if you don't have one it means you go as a single. Not bring along a mate.

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