The weird things that non parents say...

[Wiggles9408]

Just a general one, no malice intended but what are your experiences of the things that people without children have said to you in regards to parenting?

My examples are as follows (all in one day): dd is 6mo I went into work for a KIT day and a few of my colleagues that don’t have children (in amongst genuine lovely questions about dd) said the following ‘Babies seem easy to me now I’ve got a rabbit..’ and ‘so what’s it like?’ My answer ‘harder than I’d imagined’ the response ‘oh really? I just imagined you watching Disney films all day with a baby!’
And my favourite one EVER ‘I’d love to be getting paid to do nothing all day but watch Jeremy Kyle!’
I know they probably weren’t meant to come across so ummmm belittling but in my head I did have a few brash come backs but didn’t say anything just laughed it off. so anyone else had comments made that left them a little

And yes, I think the “My puppy/kitty makes me soooooooo tired etc etc...” responses are made to deflect from the chapter and verse, tedious, monotonous detail about how tiring children are.

MorrisZapp

'it isn't a choice once they've arrived'

Well no, at that point it's an inescapable lifelong obligation. But you choose before you have them. And if you already have one, your choice to have more is as informed as any choice could ever be.

Exactly!

As someone without children, I would say your colleagues are just stupid and thoughtless and I myself don't think these things about parents. On the flip side however, as a married woman who has never wanted children and neither does my husband, there are so many things that people with children (sadly almost always women) say to me that I think are belittling. Comments such as "oh, you must feel so unfulfilled in your life and will never know true love if you don't have children" or "it must be nice to never have to think about anyone other than yourself, what an easy life you must lead" or "don't you think you'll regret not having children when you're old, what a waste of a life" or "what a selfish person you must be to not want children". Downright insulting to be honest and an opinion that I know is not indicative of ALL parents but it doesn't hurt any less and this is not an exhaustive list, just the ones I find are said to me most often (but never said to my husband!!). What gives parents the right to say that to me? Yet they do.

I came back 4 days after I had DD

Really?!

I find all this a bit smug and entitled. I’m sure people are just making conversation! As a (fairly) recent mum, one thing I’ve learned is that no two experiences are the same. Also, very much to each their own.

Things that have been laughed at with derision above are things I have actually done:

• back at the gym 6 weeks after baby
• went to a wedding and left 8 week old with my (amazing) parents for the evening
• find mat leave easier than my job, albeit far more exhausting and emotional at times
• find my friend’s high maintenance one year old dog more work than my own baby

I would never judge someone with or without children for questions they’ve asked me politely and in good faith. People who make judgey comments, however, can take a hike. (I’ve had plenty of these!)

And also why on earth shouldn’t people without children be on mumsnet?! Why should people who treat their pets the same as their children not be allowed to say how rewarding/exhausting/tying it is to have a pet?

I would never judge someone with or without children for questions they’ve asked me politely and in good faith.

And nor would I, but if you can't laugh with other parents about lines like "babies seem easy to me now I've got a rabbit", what can you do.

And it depends how easy your baby is. One friend had the type of baby who slept long hours and was remarkably easy. She used to phone me bored because she had nothing to do except watch daytime TV. I was always a bit jealous.

Actually parenthood was a breeze after raising 3 puppies and dealing with cancer.

My pregnant, just about to give birth friend when I was telling her about the devastating lack of sleep: oh, you are so negative, it can't be that bad, you sleep when the baby sleeps.
6 months later she ate her words.
My aunt when we were getting married while (thank God) DD was sleeping peacefully in her cot nearby, 5 months old: oh, what a pity she didn't wake up, it would be like in the movies when you are saying yes while the baby is crying in your arms.
I was very close to get violent. The guests were late because the place where we were getting married was totally in the sticks and they didn't get there in time despite the map and the registrar was in a hurry to another ceremony. We were lucky she stayed and the ceremony must have been the quickest one in the history. A crying baby would have been a fucking disaster.

My pregnant, just about to give birth friend when I was telling her about the devastating lack of sleep: oh, you are so negative, it can't be that bad, you sleep when the baby sleeps.

Maybe she was wondering why you were trying to scare her and just wanted you to shut up?!

Maybe she was wondering why you were trying to scare her and just wanted you to shut up?!

I wasn't trying to scare her, just telling her that she needs to be prepared for broken sleep. We were actually talking about dealing with the life after birth and she was giving out about other "negative" people too. Everybody seemed a negative and shitty parent to her because we weren't talking about holding a smiling little angelic baby in our arms which sleeps on command and has a great routine worked out. We weren't trying to destroy her dreams just make her aware that first months of your baby's life aren't exactly an ad for carefree life.

And how exactly did you think she could 'prepare' for broken sleep? What could would 'being aware' in advance do her? I just can't see why you didn't leave her to her fantasies, and then offer sympathy and help as necessary (not I-told-you-so) when she hit reality? There's a certain sort of parent who seems obsessed with making sure that pregnant women 'know what's coming', and I can't imagine what good they think it does - it also makes them look like idiots if said pregnant woman gets a really easy baby!

Gudgyx enjoy your days off! The sense of achievement from getting stuff done will be great, and enjoy the day of rest

The people who chuckle “oooh, you’ll never sleep again, you won’t know what’s hit you!” when you’re pregnant for the first time are annoying is fuck. But realistically letting someone know what caring for a newborn involves when they’re talking to you about it is not the same thing. You don’t need to give people horror stories, but it’s not kind to outright lie either.

“You’ll never sleep again, haha!” = cruel
“You’ll be fine, newborns alwayssleep like angels all the time and you’ll get so much rest” = also cruel
“It can be tough, but it’s not your fault and you’re not failing and it gets better, and here’s what helped us get through it” = fair.

Appuskidu that is exactly my point.

I once had good friends complain at me that their four month old didn't really sleep and constantly fought sleep.

I responded: "Oh no, well I guess some of them are like that" (which I thought was a fairly innocuous, sympathetic comment at the time).

They rolled their eyes and snapped back "Oh are they then, I do wish someone had told us that before!" and did more eye rolling, huffing and sideways glances.

I now realise these friends were very tiered and stressed (and we are still friends!), but I still wonder what on earth it was I was supposed to say, that wouldn't have gotten my head bitten off?

There's a certain sort of parent who seems obsessed with making sure that pregnant women 'know what's coming', and I can't imagine what good they think it does - it also makes them look like idiots if said pregnant woman gets a really easy baby!

Absolutely! When I had DS1 so many well-meaning friends would regale me with horror stories and "ooh you'll never sleep again" comments. When friends of ours get pregnant I'd never tell them about the shit parts of parenting; why would you want to relish in the fact that some things can be a challenge for some families? There's something about pregnancy that brings out the worst in some women and it's deeply unkind and unnecessary. As it was, DS1 was an absolute delight of a newborn, slept well, breastfed easily and generally was an 'easy' baby. Then DS2 came along and decided sleep was for the meek and everything went a bit batshit.

What i don't understand is this idea that parenting is some sort of incredible challenge and the hardest job in the world! It really isn't, the fact that the vast majority of the worlds population manage it suggests it is a pretty average achievement, somewhere up there with breathing and walking!

Lisa You can't win when it comes to warning pregnant women. I have had friends ask me why I didn't tell them what the first two weeks post partum was like physically. I DID but lightheartedly so it didn't sink in and then they felt like they weren't ready for it.

Sharing difficulties is often done to let people know they aren't doing anything wrong. Reading that newborns have no melatonin and therefore no cycadian rhythm and so will wake for periods at night just like during the day made me much more relaxed about it when it happened. I didn't try to fight it and went to bed expecting to be woken so treated sleep cycles longer than 2 hours as a bonus in the early days. Thinking about it this way and being mentally prepared made a big difference. Also knowing that as babies got more exposure to natural light (and thus melatonin) for most of them things would naturally improve so it wasn't forever helped .

Is that why babies sleep better if they are left outside to sleep?

Yes- it's been studies and babies who get more exposure to natural light start sleeping better at night earlier- can just be a walk out with the pram though doesn't need to be a nap outdoors!

I guess that is why the generation who are now in their 70's plus, used to put babies out in the garden in their prams.

I’ve not read the thread but...

Our boss’s wife had just had their second baby and the barman at work asked him ‘so how old are they when they open their eyes, about four weeks?’

Bless him. We never let him live it down!

annawoolfworries Thu 09-Nov-17 08:37:25
"Childless people wading in to get upset over nothing as usual."

Until some parents are begging them to do the Christmas shifts at work because the parents cant/dont want to

Then suddenly the childless/childfree are treated like the sun shines out of their arse until they say yes or bullied until they say yes.

It wont be long before there is another thread like this on here. There is at least one or two in the run up to Christmas every year.

I am glad I don't have children - and glad for the might have been children- as I am fucking evil when I don't have enough sleep.

Sadly, due to a chronic incurable autoimmune condition I am now continually fatigued and in pain- so vene less able to cope.

But I suppose children (rarely) sit on your head in the middle of the night or shit in the bath if they don't like the food- like my cats do