The weird things that non parents say...

[Wiggles9408]

Just a general one, no malice intended but what are your experiences of the things that people without children have said to you in regards to parenting?

My examples are as follows (all in one day): dd is 6mo I went into work for a KIT day and a few of my colleagues that don’t have children (in amongst genuine lovely questions about dd) said the following ‘Babies seem easy to me now I’ve got a rabbit..’ and ‘so what’s it like?’ My answer ‘harder than I’d imagined’ the response ‘oh really? I just imagined you watching Disney films all day with a baby!’
And my favourite one EVER ‘I’d love to be getting paid to do nothing all day but watch Jeremy Kyle!’
I know they probably weren’t meant to come across so ummmm belittling but in my head I did have a few brash come backs but didn’t say anything just laughed it off. so anyone else had comments made that left them a little

I’m also genuinely interested in why people who are happily child free are on mumsnet?

Oh this again! Because there are lots of boards and threads that have nothing to do with being a parent, eg conception, feminism etc.

I came across it when planning our wedding as whenever I googled what the right thing to do was, an AIBU post came up.

I’m also genuinely interested in why people who are happily child free are on mumsnet?

Initially because I have a stepchild, and now mostly because there are thousands of funny and interesting discussions on here which are nothing to do with having children.

Ok, I’ll bite - what actually is so tiring about being a parent, that it eclipses all other forms of tiredness? People (women usually) make way too much fuss about how hard their lives are because they have children, and they seem to relish and enjoy the competitive awfulness of it.

I must have done parenting all wrong, because other than the crushing exhaustion of newborn sleep deprivation and PND with my first, I can’t relate to the attitude of @Ilovelampandchair. What is this endless “busy-ness” that people bang on about? No-one needs to make their lives so hard. Enjoy your life and your children instead of moaning all the bloody time.

As for the bitching about people with no children, what exactly do you expect them to say when you are whinging about your hard life? If they haven’t got children, then they don’t know what you are on about. Why would they? Maybe a puppy or kitten is the nearest thing they’ve got. Maybe their elderly parents or their 80 hour a week job is actually harder than being a mother.

Thanks Womble. That is the sort of attitude I hope to adopt. Gives me some hope!

When I went back to work when DD was 8 months old everyone said to me "I bet you're glad of the break aren't you?" "I bet you're enjoying the quiet" NO!! I want to be at home with my baby, she's not some pain in the arse that I need a break from. Well. She wasn't then anyway! Now, I agree..it's a nice break

I find MN odd on this. It's like having kids is soooooo hard but yet most MNers have more than one. So even though it's so hard, let's crack on and make it harder again. And again.

I was that thick woman with no real clue about the reality of parenting. I had a kid and learned very quickly how hard it is. With that knowledge in hand, I won't be having any more.

People with three kids going 'nobody can understand how busy and knackered my life is' is a bit like saying 'after drinking half a bottle of vodka and three pints of cider last night, I'm really struggling to get out of bed today'. Well, yes. As you would expect.

People say stupid things. The fact that they’re childless (or not) doesn’t matter.

Well said!

I agree with PP also that all the stories about how hard and tiring it is having kids have definitely contributed to my decision not to have any. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that there aren't more people like me who choose to remain childless. I guess it's that old biological imperative which I don't really seem to have.

Recently went back to the gym . I used to be a steady gym goer till I had non sleeping dc3. The instructor who I knew from before got chatting to me saying nice to have you back etc but why has it taken you this long to start working out again . I told her about the awful time I had with my health after dc3 birth, some other issues I’d had with dd1 and how dc3 Just never sleeps , is awake every hour or more and am exhausted plus some other personal issues and she said ‘well you shouldn’t have let yourself go - am only saying you should have kept an hour to yourself for fitness everyday ‘. An hour to myself with a hyper one year old ? If I get an hour , I’ll do basic things like eat , sleep and make sure my other dc have a cooked meal and aren’t living in a shit hole! I could see hat she just couldn’t get it .

Somebody said to me once, at a friend's wedding, when I had a 6 month old baby (I was breastfeeding and she knew it), 'Well, I wouldn't even be friends with someone who breastfeeds at 6 months. That shit is sick!'.
She had two kids of her own.

I think your colleagues sound stupid, but there is an element of not really knowing. You can't know what it's like having your own kids until you do. Even if you work in childcare, it's different. I don't think anything quite prepares you for the neediness of another human being 24 hours a day for months, nay years, on end.

Ok, I’ll bite - what actually is so tiring about being a parent, that it eclipses all other forms of tiredness? People (women usually) make way too much fuss about how hard their lives are because they have children, and they seem to relish and enjoy the competitive awfulness of it

I always wonder this too. All the stuff about being a "busy mum". Actually I'm not. I have one dc, work part-time, have hobbies and occasionally raise a finger to do some housework and I still get time to sleep and eat and watch TV and read and waste time on MN. I don't have more than 24 hours in a day, I just don't see the need to be competitively busy.

If you work full-time and have 4 kids and dogs that need lots of long walks and train for an ironman triathlon, you might be busier than I am. But it's a choice isn't it?

Disclaimer: my ds slept very well as a baby/young child. I make no comments on parents with young kids who are getting little sleep. But for the rest of the competitively busy parents....

I always wonder this too. All the stuff about being a "busy mum". Actually I'm not.

I'm not a parent but I think this is unfair. People's life circumstances are different, and so their levels of stress and business will be different too. Also, if someone feels exhausted that is real to them, even if someone else wouldn't be. I remember being a bit amused and smug when I knew someone who went on and on about how planning a wedding would be the most stressful thing I'd ever do. Compared to work it was a absolute unstressful pleasure. But, in hindsight, I was being a dick to snigger at her for it - yes, she'd never had a job with much pressure or autonomy so her level of 'very stressful' was different to mine. But it was still very stressful to her and me being snide or dismissive about it didn't change her feelings.

SukiTheDog

“Watching Jeremy Kyle all day 😄😄😄. Umm, no. I. Never. Stop. Literally, all day. And when he was little ds was up 5/6 times a night. Bloody nightmare. I used to work 12 hour shifts in NHS nursing. It was easier, most days.“

You literally never stop? Really?

disahsterdahling

Ok, I’ll bite - what actually is so tiring about being a parent, that it eclipses all other forms of tiredness? People (women usually) make way too much fuss about how hard their lives are because they have children, and they seem to relish and enjoy the competitive awfulness of it

I always wonder this too. All the stuff about being a "busy mum". Actually I'm not. I have one dc, work part-time, have hobbies and occasionally raise a finger to do some housework and I still get time to sleep and eat and watch TV and read and waste time on MN. I don't have more than 24 hours in a day, I just don't see the need to be competitively busy.

If you work full-time and have 4 kids and dogs that need lots of long walks and train for an ironman triathlon, you might be busier than I am. But it's a choice isn't it?

It is indeed. What a refreshing post.

Imagine trying to do your work with someone pulling on your clothes constantly and 2 people you care about attacking each other at the same time as clothes pulling incident and job preparing food. Then imagine a crashing sound of broken glass while figuring out how to keep mini clothes puller who is glued to your side off you for a moment while you deal with that and older kids away from broken glass to clean it up and then you hear the food boiling over all while you need to pee badly. Imagine this all day long.

I can't explain it. It's a different kind of busy that leads to a different kind of tired. Maybe enotional exhaustion as well as physical? I've had a very busy pre children life. And now I've lots of little children. My busy prechildren life was tiring, very long hours, lots of commitments, but it was so good to wallow in bed or not have to get up all night long too or cancel something so I could chill. Even though I was busy. Small kids busy is relentless and you can't just get rid of them or make different choices to ease the pressure (once they've arrived).

That's the best I can do to describe it.

But theres no point in competing on this issue. Everyone's situation and feelings are equally valid, kids or not.

disahsterdahling

Ok, I’ll bite - what actually is so tiring about being a parent, that it eclipses all other forms of tiredness? People (women usually) make way too much fuss about how hard their lives are because they have children, and they seem to relish and enjoy the competitive awfulness of it

I always wonder this too. All the stuff about being a "busy mum". Actually I'm not. I have one dc, work part-time, have hobbies and occasionally raise a finger to do some housework and I still get time to sleep and eat and watch TV and read and waste time on MN. I don't have more than 24 hours in a day, I just don't see the need to be
competitively busy.*

If you work full-time and have 4 kids and dogs that need lots of long walks and train for an ironman triathlon, you might be busier than I am. But it's a choice isn’t it?

It is indeed. What a refreshing post!

What hit me about parenthood, that I naively didn't expect or plan for, is how exhausting being needed 24 hours a day is. My tiny dictator is now 2.5, and she is hard work. Constant talking, always needing me for something. Which is fine obviously, since I'm her mum, but my god it is knackering.

And you know how you always feel more rested when you get to wake up naturally in the morning? Yup, not having that floors me completely. She's always been a great sleeper, slept right through from 8 weeks, but she goes through phases where she gets up reallllllly early in the morning, no idea why. And she might only get me up an hour before I need to be up, but it feels like 6 hours.

On the rare occasions where I get a day to myself, I still don't switch off mentally. Thinking of what is for dinner, that I need to catch up on washing, housework, what is she wearing tomorrow, is there clean pyjamas about, when is the nursery bill due etc. All those just normal adult duties though.

I also work full time, am chronically ill, and try to get an hour of the gym in 4 times a week (I go during my lunchbreaks as I have no time at night or weekends, and have gotten FAT).

I am beyond exhausted right now. So much so, I have taken 3 days annual leave next week, 1 to blast my Christmas shopping, 1 to blitz the housework, and 1 to do sweet eff all but lie on the couch and binge watch Blue Bloods. I cant bloody wait!

Anyone with challenging commitments may not be able to just lie in bed.
But I do hate competitive busyness.

Just realised I didn't even answer what the OP asked - my post above was in response to the what's so tiring about parenting question!

I came back 4 days after I had DD, people always used to say 'oh are you enjoying your break on a Friday?' it is actually easier/less tiring being at work, hence me coming back full time!

Nah jk I came back full time because tax credits apparently overpaid us so halfed our monthly payments and I couldn't afford to pay the nursery :(

Re. the site title - it is a misnomer. As others have said, there are umpteen opportunities to navigate the site without the need to show you are literally a mummy. Happily.

Haha, Blueyacht has hit the nail on the head upthread. Often those without kids are bringing up pets deliberately to change the subject to something more interesting for all!

This is the most smug thread I've read on here.

'it isn't a choice once they've arrived'

Well no, at that point it's an inescapable lifelong obligation. But you choose before you have them. And if you already have one, your choice to have more is as informed as any choice could ever be.

I have 3 children and am 25 years old. I have many friends with one or 2 children and are 10 years plus older than me. I make an effort not to moan too much as we are all in the same boat and im bloody knackered. But oh no.... because i am younger that means im not as tired tired is tired!

I’m also genuinely interested in why people who are happily child free are on mumsnet?

Because at least half of AIBU and Chat consists of interesting discussions that have nothing to do with children... and everybody loves a cheeky fucker thread