The weird things that non parents say...

[Wiggles9408]

Just a general one, no malice intended but what are your experiences of the things that people without children have said to you in regards to parenting?

My examples are as follows (all in one day): dd is 6mo I went into work for a KIT day and a few of my colleagues that don’t have children (in amongst genuine lovely questions about dd) said the following ‘Babies seem easy to me now I’ve got a rabbit..’ and ‘so what’s it like?’ My answer ‘harder than I’d imagined’ the response ‘oh really? I just imagined you watching Disney films all day with a baby!’
And my favourite one EVER ‘I’d love to be getting paid to do nothing all day but watch Jeremy Kyle!’
I know they probably weren’t meant to come across so ummmm belittling but in my head I did have a few brash come backs but didn’t say anything just laughed it off. so anyone else had comments made that left them a little

mittens. I would say lucky but is mean lucky to have found a loving home. Not all children without parents get that as the final outcome

I know this is lighthearted generally in context but it just makes me a bit afraid.

I’d really like a child but sometimes people make it sound like it totally ruins your life!

Mostly I laugh at pre-child me. I thought he would feed, cuddle for a bit, sleep contentedly and repeat - er, that's exactly how my sister described her maternity leave. Even complained about how long he slept at night and having to wake him up! Obviously that changed when said baby became older, mobile etc

A lot of these make the people sound really stupid.

But when you don’t have children and have never been around them (since you were a child) you have no idea!

I wouldn’t have know about not visiting at toddler bedtime, when babies get weaned (and need high chairs...), that people wouldn’t want to travel six weeks after birth until I had friends who had children and told me this.

Kylo- having kids hasn't ruined my life! It's the best thing I've ever done. Some people have it harder than others though particularly when mh issues come up.

I also didn't know when babies were weaned before I had one! It's not meant to be disparaging but it just makes you laugh in the moment when it happens. I. Part because you get a mental image of trying to feed your toothless limp baby fish fingers

Are parents not allowed to talk about parenting issues on a parenting forum? Jesus christ. Not once did the OP say that only mums can be tired or all the other bollocks that people have chosen to be offended about.

What exactly is the point of mumsnet if you aren't allowed to talk about being a bloody mum? It is a lighthearted thread, which she has several times pointed out.

I came on this thread to read some funny storoesand am leaving it bloody annoyed now. There is no need to comment on threads you are weirdly offended by.

Jesus.

Fair point, Londongirl, in that context yes they are lucky, sad but only too true. What a lot of people think, though, is that everything should be fine now, why are they behaving so badly, being ungrateful etc? Sadly, it’s not so simple, the traumatic start stays with them.

It’s the comment ‘You’re giving them a wonderful life’ that I find more annoying, why wouldn’t I want to give them holidays and treats, just because I didn’t give birth to them?

This is the reason I decided not to have to children. Various parents telling me how shit their lives are made me realise I couldn't be doing with it frankly. Nevertheless I know my place and as a childless person I cannot empathise by comparing with a similar situation I must only nod and look sad because to do anything else is belittling their horrendous situation.

Of course the shitness of a parents life is the absolute top of the tree. Anyone else's gripes simply cannot match the ultimate sacrifice they have made. Ever.

I find it weird when parents are so judgemental about non-parents. Not all non-parents are insensitive idiots. I don't have kids but am always considerate when making plans to go out and stuff. I always say I will fit round them. Children are welcome if we go out for lunch and I will suggest child friendly places and work around what is best for them. I never pass comment about how they bring their kids up and keep my opinions to myself unless asked.

I have had parents say some pretty stupid things to me too. Like Skarossinkplunger I too suffer with insomnia and have an overactive bladder which has me up 3 times a night. I also had a severe vitamin D deficiency which left me feeling exhausted. I was actually quite worried before I was diagnosed as a young, childless woman should not be so tired. However, as soon as I mentioned feeling tired I immediately got 'well try having kids' thing. I felt like telling them to fuck off but I wouldn't as I am not so rude.

mittens that would annoy me too. Not understanding the lasting impact of that initial trauma is a bit There are two adopted kids in my family so I am a little aware of the ongoing issues that can be part of it

I know it's a cliche but when childless people say they're so busy they're exhausted. Without children being busy is often true but it's self inflicted and self controlled.

Oh the irony. What a daft comment.

Without children being busy is often true but it's self inflicted and self controlled.

Ilovelampandchair only for nice middle-class people with no caring responsibilities, decent bosses, and decent finances is it "self-inflicted and self-controlled". This is so tone-deaf it hurts. (And yes, I have a DS and know how tiring it is being a parent.)

While a lot of these comments are spectacularly stupid (I say so as someone with no children myself), some of the other posts have made it quite clear it can be difficult to win.

Reading these posts you get the impression that on the one hand you deserve to be scoffed at for asking someone with children out the cinema (though she has managed to meet up with mummy friends for lunch somehow....), but then you get criticised for not making the effort with friends after they have children. I mean what are you supposed to do?

One poster scoffed at a friend who needed some help after genital surgery, and made it very clear that she thought it didn't 'count' because it wasn't as bad as a long difficult labour. I mean, FFS!

How on earth do you expect friendships to bridge the divide if the mothers among us will simply dismiss every experience those without children will, and ever have had? Who needs to put up with that shit, when you could just ignore the mummy martyr friends and move the fuck on?

*I was at a restaurant and the young hostess asked if my 9 week old baby needed the kids menu!

We went out a lot with my DD from birth and the number of times we were offered high chairs when she was just weeks old I can't count* 😀
Hilariously patronising. I have no idea about children's development. What they can and can't do and what they eat at what age. Literally none. I am 43. I have had little exposure to children. I don't know why you think this is some innate knowledge people have and if they don't know, when they are clearly trying to be helpful, then they must be scoffed at.
Anyway. Some London restaurants have menus that have homemade babies food on it but I'm guessing that's because you don't in London 😆. Feel patronised at all?

Thanks Londongirl, the fish fingers are a good mental image

Generally to a few other PPs, I agree that some of the assumptions and things said on both sides are a bit much, and it’s great to hear the stories and have a lighthearted thread.

But it’s the assumption from some people that other people will know things, either from a parent or non parent side, why not just talk about it and explain instead of being offended?

I've encountered a few non-parents who are extremely judgemental and arrogant about others with small children. I found the change in their attitude when they had DC equal parts irritating and amusing.

Eg. Colleague who equated another staff member's hyperemesis to having a bit of a hangover and suggested paracetomol and a fry up thn get on with it like she did/no excuse for lateness etc. When she was pregnant and feeling a bit queezy she arranged a change in working hours and expected everyone else in the office to avoid eating near her.

A family friend was very sniffy about the fact that other friends with children couldn't keep up with weekends away/nights out etc and discussed sleep issues/weaning etc. She was adamant that parenting is easy- it's just a case of deciding not to let it change your lifestyle- if you don't offer babies/children an option of staying awake/being with you all the time/needing food at certain times etc they will have to fall in to line. Simple. And other people don't want to hear about your children. Fast forward to her children and she expected everyone to respond instantly if she posted anything about her children, expected that any gatherings should be child friendly, days out must be rigidly organised to fit around her DC food/nap times etc.

ArcheryAnnie Totally agree, so much stupidity here. The SAHM I know who has kids at school, is way less busy than my friend who works long hours in a petrol station and cares for her dying mum who lives with her.

My friend is going to get a puppy (Labrador or retriever probably) on maternity leave, despite never having had a pet as an adult. It'll be great cos they can go for walks and stuff.

Stormnigel

Love your "dickhead dogs" comment

our 2 got old, ill and pts between dd2 and new dd3.... miss them but newborn baby stage so much easier without them barking at things or escaping the garden.

We do now have 2 rabbits tho so maybe now I could say it's like having triplets to look after??

What sort of replies are acceptable to parents who are complaining about their non-sleeping child to child-free friends or family then?

I say that as a parent of three children none of whom slept. Are people saying that all they want is someone to listen to them moan and not say anything else but offer sympathy?!

I’m not offended by the thread, some of it eg dry cleaning is obviously lighthearted and very funny, but I do agree the undertone of certain posts is “aren’t the childless/childfree ignorant, including our pre-parenthood selves before we reached nirvana and became enlightened when we had a child”. A bit of an us and them. That’s going to sting for those who are not childfree by choice.

I have a 3 month old - and at every step of the pregnancy and now parenthood someone is always there to say 'just wait til...' as if happily contemplating my coming misery

Yes! I’m pregnant now and was telling a friend how I had been terrified of giving birth but was really trying to have a positive mental attitude going into it. She basically laughed in my face and said “ha! That will last about five minutes once it starts!”. Seriously, why?! It’s not like I was sitting there saying I didn’t know what women moaned about and I bet it wasn’t that bad and that women who had epidurals were heathens or anything (in fact I said I wanted one). So why try and make me feel negatively about something I’m already scared of and am trying to feel better about?

I agree with the person upthread who said sadly some people are just thoughtless!

Things which a few non parents say which I think are awful are things like they shouldn’t fly because the baby might cry on the flight, or other suggestions children should not leave the house lest they are disturbed.

I’m also genuinely interested in why people who are happily child free are on mumsnet?

How about comments people with kids say to infertile couples? I have many stupid examples, could probably get this thread up to 300 pages if I provided each one.

People say stupid things. The fact that they’re childless (or not) doesn’t matter.

How about comments people with kids say to infertile couples? I have many stupid examples, could probably get this thread up to 300 pages if I provided each one.

People say stupid things. The fact that they’re childless (or not) doesn’t matter.