The weird things that non parents say...

[Wiggles9408]

Just a general one, no malice intended but what are your experiences of the things that people without children have said to you in regards to parenting?

My examples are as follows (all in one day): dd is 6mo I went into work for a KIT day and a few of my colleagues that don’t have children (in amongst genuine lovely questions about dd) said the following ‘Babies seem easy to me now I’ve got a rabbit..’ and ‘so what’s it like?’ My answer ‘harder than I’d imagined’ the response ‘oh really? I just imagined you watching Disney films all day with a baby!’
And my favourite one EVER ‘I’d love to be getting paid to do nothing all day but watch Jeremy Kyle!’
I know they probably weren’t meant to come across so ummmm belittling but in my head I did have a few brash come backs but didn’t say anything just laughed it off. so anyone else had comments made that left them a little

When I visited work wiyh DC1 a (male) colleague said "I don't really like babies. They are boring, they never do anything. I didn't even like my own children when they were babies."

People without kids generally don't have a clue tbh.

Awh thanks for commenting Aridane - (no sarcasm intended)

Unfortunately, it can also come from not-so-involved dads... I remember that conversation between my former boss (a dad!) and a colleague. One of his colleague's steam worker was about to go on maternity leave and had asked for a writing assignment for when the baby would sleep, so she wouldn't get bored. It was her first, she was obviously clueless like most of us at that stage. But the two men were very impressed by her dedication and more than ready to provide work for her. No clue st all (their babies didn't disrupt them much, right?)

The boss I had when I became a mother was close to perfect about me becoming a mother. (Mind you, dd was better with sleep than his ds...) Lucky me.

I agree, Cory, that was definitely true in our case. Often parents are the least able to understand the difficulties faced by adoptive families. Because they think they do understand, and give advice that’s not helpful. (Obviously I’m not saying that’s always the case.)

Sometimes childless people can understand better, curiously, especially if they’re adopted themselves or if they have an adopted sibling, or if they are social workers.

Actually, sometimes the people with least understanding are those whose children have long since flown the nest, as there’s a tendency to to look back through rose coloured glasses. My DM often says, ‘I never had that problem with my children.’ I then think, if we were that well behaved, why did you smack us so often??’ (That’s another debate!!)

I’m getting the thread removed

How's that going?

LisaSimpsonsbff I emailed MNHQ last night :)

I once tried to get a thread of mine removed because I was finding some of the replies upsetting. It was on something much more emotive and personal than this. Mumsnet HQ replied saying - I think quite rightly in hindsight - that it wouldn't be fair to remove the discussion I'd created, but that I should hide the thread if I was finding it upsetting. If you get this thread removed just because you don't like it then it'll be a disgrace.

I was like this. I used to think having cats was similar to babies. We all learn! It comes from a naive place rather than any malice (most of the time!)

Interesting how the op from the recent thread about what not to say to childless people didn’t go running to mnhq to get her thread taken down. That was far more full of nasty comments

I was in a ldr with a childless partner when ds was a newborn/young baby. I have two.

As a very tiny baby she expected me to travel 3 hours with him every other week to stay at hers. When I tried to explain how difficult it was to pack the car with his stuff, and drive for 3 hours (often with him crying) on a few hours sleep a night, she responded "well I have a dog so that's probably more difficult".

Second, ds aged 1 was in hospital with sepsis (so serious!!) she travelled to "support" me and suggested that we "went out for a nice meal to take our minds off it"

Aridane

Oh for goodness sake, OP - get a grip (no malice intended)

Indeed. What sort of juvenile rant was that?
Speechless...

Meh, my previous cat has sometimes been more of a sleep disturbance than my baby, and I'm going out of maternity leave more rested and less stressed than I've been in all my adult life.

Babies can be tiring. They can be stressful and hard work, but so can life in general. Of you've got an easy baby and a stressful job, the maternity leave really is like a holiday. But have a stressy baby and an easy job, and maternity leave is probably quite stressful.

So do me the stupid things non parents gave said pale into insignificance compared to the things that parent friends have said about how I'd never sleep, or have fun, or eat with two hands again. Which is why one person's sensible advice is another person's nutty advice because everyone's experiences are different.

Oh FGS. The OP has been continually sniped at from the start, based on things she never said. Some non-parents are daft and clueless bordering on offensive, and it is not “hateful” or “smug” or dismissive of those with chronic illnesses or caring for dying relatives for people to have a giggle about it. You wouldn’t (I hope!) go onto a “stupid things people say to infertile couples” thread and start huffing that parents suffer too.

You wouldn’t (I hope!) go onto a “stupid things people say to infertile couples” thread and start huffing that parents suffer too.

Ah, I see you didn't read the 'what not to say to childless people' thread.

Lisa, so do you think that kind of behaviour on that thread means it's okay on this one? You've contributed quite a lot to this thread, but having a look around it all seems to be complaining about parents being boring and rude and droning on, which is perhaps not in the most constructive spirit?

I think that's an incredibly unfair reading of what I've said. I tried to explain that people without children sometimes mention their pets because otherwise they have nothing to add to the conversation, and I said that parenthood should be treated like any other topic of conversation where one has experience and where one does not (I gave the specific example of talking about your work to someone who doesn't do the same job). I don't think that's the same thing as saying that all parents are boring and drone on, and, actually, I do think it's quite constructive to point out some of the reasons why parents might get reactions they don't like (such as comparisons about pets), that sometimes it's because they're not expecting the normal rules of conversation (that it's an exchange) to apply.

I do think that the OP is being pretty ridiculous. I also think you don't get to choose where threads you start go, and that people feeling hurt at a thread about how stupid and clueless the childless are is not the same as people coming onto a thread about the childless to tell them that they're stupid and clueless.

I don't think that's the same thing as saying that all parents are boring and drone on

Just like the OP didn't say that all non-parents are stupid and clueless, or that they've never suffered in their lives.

I actually never referred to the OP at all until she began her ridiculous rant where she said she'd get the thread deleted. Look, you're obviously decided to attack me personally - which, since you obviously advance searched me to find all my posts I find slightly odd as you must have seen that I'm not having the best couple of days at the moment - but in this thread I've also disagreed with those who say that mothers whine too much about being tired, so I really don't think I've been whatever kind of parent-hater you think I am.

I'm not attacking you personally, and I haven't ASed you to find your posts (I did cmd-F on the thread). I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

I still think you're wrong and unfair. to accuse the OP of starting, in your words, "a thread about how stupid and clueless the childless are" when she didn't do that.

And for all those commenting hat don’t have children and then answering a pp saying ‘we come on mumsnet for the posts not about boring children’

You're the one calling them boring. In response to being asked why non parents would be on mumsnet, some of us said we are here because there is lots of discussion unrelated to children or being a parent. You are now putting a spin on that by saying we spoke of the child threads as boring.

Honestly, if you start a thread "weird stuff X category of people have said" whether that's non parents, MILs, teachers, old people, men, whatever...you're gonna get people from that category seeing the thread title, opening it to find out why what they say is supposedly weird and then wanting to defend themselves. That's just a given.

Well this thread went well....

To be honest, myself and others were left quite upset by the comments made on the ‘things not to say to childless people’ thread. It was invaded by a lot of parents asking why we were on Mumsnet (despite being told multiple times about the TTC and Infatility areas) but really it should have been a place for support, not being told we didn’t deserve Christmas off work or attacked for being on a public forum.

This thread was started as a way to laugh at the stupid things childless and childfree people think about parenthood so really I think it’s not a place to get upset about whose lives are harder etc.

Just like people on that thread shouldn’t have gone on to be dicks, people shouldn’t have done the same thing here.

As a dog owner and now a mum, I have to say I do actually think dog ownership did help prepare me for being a parent. Of course not the same but I do think parenthood came as less of a surprise to me compared to friends that never had a pet before babies, as at least I was used to considering another dependant creatures needs before my own, cleaning up poo and puke, lots of extra washing and cleaning of home and car, budgeting for extra costs etc. So no, not the same but definitely gave me a little understanding.

Interestingly i dont have kids but i find parents often say horrible or stupid things to me. I have years and years worth of experience dealing with newborns to teens with special needs. I once told some one her constant streams of photos every day of her newborn baby proped up bottle in his mouth on his own on the sofa, a cushion holding the bottle in his mouth was dangerous. I was slaughtered by her and her mommy friends who told me i was a fucking idiot who didnt have kids so how should i know. Ditto when another friend posted a serious looking rash on her toddler and i advised her to go see a dr straight away i was called a nasty scare mongerer who didnt have kids so i didnt know what i was talking about. (Kid has a very serious virus and went hospital in the end.) I have also been told i am not as empathetic as mothers because i couldnt possibly have that bond with anyone to truly feel empathy to that degree. I also have many reasons why im exhausted. A few years ago i was exhasusted as i worked every hour god sent because former collegue was off all the time as her kid had an all day dentist appointment or a school play/assembly etc that meant i had to do all her shifts.