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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to totally exclude the inlaws at Christmas?

136 replies

GoJetterGirl · 07/11/2017 13:50

Right, just as the title says, but so as not to drip feed:

Those of you who read my previous thread about my inlaws will remember that my son's cancer has relapsed and unfortunately he will not recover, we are buying him time.

The inlaws have come out with gems such as

"You're already pregnant with his replacement"

"She's not very motherly, we don't think she is making the best choices for DS"

"Her parents didn't want her so she can't possibly be a good mother"

"If DS dies it will kill FIL"

Amongst other really vile things to come out of their pot holes...

So, AIBU, being as stressed and as pregnant as I am to tell DH that his parents are not welcome, and our DS's last Christmas should be just us and not with them making demands and stressing me out? Bearing in mind I may have the baby early anyway as DS was a preemie?

OP posts:
MeAndMyElephant · 07/11/2017 16:24

Do not them ruin what you think is your last Xmas with your DS.
Put all your energy into giving your DS the perfect Xmas and yourselves the happiest memories possible. That is all that matters. Everything and everyone else is irrelevant.

SirGawain · 07/11/2017 16:29

OP You are not pregnant with his ‘replacement ‘; you are pregnant with his brother or sister. But do course yo know that! Flowers

SirGawain · 07/11/2017 16:31

But of course.

mumisnotmyname · 07/11/2017 16:31

Never mind excluding them from the Christmas, I would think about moving on and leaving them full stop. These will not be healthy people to have contact with in your future. I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family.

Billben · 07/11/2017 16:33

Speak to your husband well before Christmas about not wanting them anywhere near your family so he can "digest it" and hopefully be on your side. Then tell the in laws. Don't leave it till the last minute because it will create a bad atmosphere over Christmas and end up ruining it.
Despicable people they are and I'd cut them out of my life completely.

LakieLady · 07/11/2017 16:35

DNBU! Have exactly the Christmas that's right for you and your family, especially your dear boy.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 07/11/2017 16:36

I'm so sorry about your son. Absolutely have Christmas (and every other day for that matter) the way that suits you, dh and ds best.

Trailedanderror · 07/11/2017 16:38

Its all too horrible and I asked about RL friends or a relative to help you navigate through it, because...

*On one hand you'd be entirely justified in wishing never to see them/ whatever horribly inventive and expletive filled fate on them, but

*if DS wants to see them and it'd be safe for him (infection) maybe DH could take him for a short visit sometime around Christmas. Not to your house though. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

PricklyBall · 07/11/2017 16:39

Exclude them at Christmas? Hell yes. Exclude them for the rest of their lives? Yup, that too.

Flowers Gojetter. I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I wish you a peaceful, loving Christmas with your son - may it be as happy and calm as it can be in the circumstances.

CoxxoC · 07/11/2017 16:39

YANBU at all.

Their comments, and I dare say they are only scratching the surface of their characters, are utterly vile. I would go completely NC. You shouldn't have to spend a moment of your precious time dealing and being stressed by these people.

Does your DH recognise that he is in FOG? I would bring this up with him as soon as you can - as others have mentioned he may need a few days/weeks to process before telling his parents. Flowers.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/11/2017 16:41

OMG NO! As a matter of fact, I'd bet you'd be able to get a battalion of MNers to stand guard on your door to keep them away! I'd lead that battalion, but I'm 8000 miles away.

I think your iLs are the most horrible people I've ever heard of. And as I said on your other thread, if your DH can't stand with you on this, if he insists on them coming, then you need to kick him to the side and take DS somewhere else for Xmas.

Bucketsandspoons · 07/11/2017 16:47

I'm so sorry.

In every thread you've shown amazing amounts of patience, far more than their behaviour has deserved. Absolutely please don't let these people near your Christmas. You know from bitter experience there is nothing you can reasonably or rationally do to control or manage their behaviour, they make their choice to behave this way every single time. You should not be having to deal with them making things harder this year.

Clear line to your dh; if they appear between this date and this date, ds and I and bump will be moving out until they've gone.

BewareOfDragons · 07/11/2017 16:48

I personally would have cut contact with the some time ago.

I would only allow the skyping to continue on occasion if it was beneficial to my dying child. It would be gone if it wasn't.

But that would be the end of it after that. I would have no more contact and tell my DH that he's going to have to choose. Their abominable behaviour would have left me no choice.

And they would not be allowed anything to do with baby going forward. Ever.

I'm so, so sorry, OP. No parent should have to face this. And having nasty, actively hurtful and unsupportive inlaws makes it so much worse.

BewareOfDragons · 07/11/2017 16:50

Have you considered showing your DH this thread? To show him how outrageous, self centred and vile his parents are?

ThoseFlapsInsideYourCheeks · 07/11/2017 16:52

I’m so sorry that your son is going through this, your in laws are the last thing he needs berating his Mum.

My inlaws are exactly the same and DH has FOG just like yours, however his Mum told him “goodbye” last year because he finally stood up for himself. I suspect this is what you’re DH needs to do to finally let go.

I really feel you should focus on DS needs and definitely exclude in-laws from xmas, no doubt they will make it all about them and say some callous remarks. None of you need that, if you were looking for the strength to tell them to do one, you have everyone’s permission here to go do that! I don’t think anybody is going to say you were rude for doing so, you are cherishing the time with your son so please do just that. Flowers

Clutterbugsmum · 07/11/2017 17:35

Sorry you are having to go through this a second time, hope your DS is feeling okay.

As for your INLAWS I think that skype would need to 'break' for a while, so you all can have some peace.

I would be making clear to all DH and his parents that there is no where in hell that these people will be coming near you and your ds at Christmas.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 07/11/2017 17:42

I remember your other thread and I'm sorry they're still being horrible.

This Christmas is Not About Them - but if they come to yours they will make it so. From what you've written this is going to be your son's last Christmas. You want to remember it with love, not bitterness that the ILs ruined it for you.

So do the right thing. Be strong and stand up for your DS and yourself, and make this the very best Christmas you can.

FlowersFlowers

carefreeeee · 07/11/2017 17:50

I think I'd impose very limited contact from now on - perhaps speak to them on the phone 3 times a year and see them once? Definitely don't see them at any important times or allow them to spend time with your children.

I wouldn't be skyping them ever. If your husband wants to he should do that in a different room.

Mumof56 · 07/11/2017 17:50

Does your son enjoy thier company?

OneInAMillionYou · 07/11/2017 18:04

I'm so very very sorry to read about your son's health. That is fucking heartbreaking and I am amazed you can spare a speck of energy to deal with your in laws.

Your husband must surely be aware of the hideousness of their behaviour. He has to back you 100% in this and keep them and their toxicity away from you and your son.

Future contact can be thought about when it has to be but no one would blame you if you never spoke to them again.

I hope you find some comfort in your final Christmas with your son and I wish you all the best with your current pregnancy, a brother or sister for your boy. So sorry.

HashiAsLarry · 07/11/2017 18:06

Ywnbu to never talk to them again ever.

So sorry about ds Flowers

DirtyThirties · 07/11/2017 18:11

I am so so sorry to hear about your son. The last thing you need is the extra anxiety caused by thoughtless in laws.

In my experience, there are some people who put themselves at the centre of every tragedy, sounds like they are the type. Ban them and don't give it a second thought.

Wishing you the best Christmas you could possibly have with lots of happy memories Flowers

Cocolepew · 07/11/2017 18:12

Im so sorry about your son.
Have nothing to do with these people ever again .

PumpkinSquash · 07/11/2017 18:23

You're already pregnant with his replacement

SERIOUSLY?? My jaw actually dropped. I don't care if they are your in laws, I'd want absolutely nothing to do with them at all, ever, never mind Christmas for coming out with that corker!!
Stay the hell away for your own emotional health. Poisonous.

PoppyFleur · 07/11/2017 18:28

It beggars belief that your inlaws are making an extremely traumatic situation even worse. Their comments are shameful.

There is no reasoning with people too ignorant to understand the gravity of the situation or the importance of their role in making things easier for your child in his remaining time.

I'm sorry OP, you and your family deserve support and love, if they can't provide it then exclude them. You don't need their negativity.